2 years ago today

There is something about adoption that seals certain dates in your mind forever.

The sort of dates that are so monumental they change your life and another eternally....

...like the day you hold your daughter for the first time.

It was two years ago today we waited our turn to be called up to the nursery, watching the parents before us on the same monumental journey to met their child.

Our daughter's name was called, I felt full of emotion.

The anticipation, the joy of meeting your child.  

We walked into the infant room and a nanny at the care center placed our sweet girl into my arms.

For the first time I felt her soft skin and smelled her sweet smell.   I looked into her beautiful soulful eyes.

She looked into my eyes with confusion, a bit of anixety not knowing who I was....

not knowing she was meeting her mother, that I was her "forever mother".

At the same time I looked into hers knowing she was indeed my daughter forever.

Two years ago, God's plan came together....and I was right where I was suppose to be.

2 years ago....

In these 2 years my heart has grown and is full of abundance, gratitude

my life is fuller because my sweet girl is in it.

Our family is complete.

Here she is 2 years later...our sweet girl.

Searching with Ethiostork

It was over 2 years ago that we recieved Tessa's referral and the photo above of our sweet girl.   I knew she was meant to be our child.   On that day I read her referral and I knew in my mind that she would have many questions for us one day about what I was reading.  The fact was that there were so many empty spaces and unknowns in her referral.  Those unknowns made me feel a deep sadness, one a mother imagine's for her child.  I knew I wouldn't be able to answer those questions.   I might be able to answer a couple of those questions imagining the context of her birth in Ethiopia at that time in history.   We would just have to imagine.

Until a couple months ago I didn't even realize it was even possible to search for our daughter's birth family in Ethiopia.   All we knew was she has been "left to be found", she didn't have any sort of known birth history.   It was through this big blog world, that I saw another adoptive family had done a birth parent search with "Ethiostork".   I checked out Ethiostork's blog www.ethiostork.blogspot.com  and I couldn't get the thought of a search out of my mind.  Knowing that we could at least try.....we might find out more about her history and her birth family.    

There is also the realization that 2 years have passed.   That is 2 years from the pain of it.   But that also means 2 years where information could be fading or lost.   I realized I didn't want any more time to pass.  That NOW was the time to search.

I think it might be a common feeling as an adoptive parent, but I felt a bit vulnerable in this process.  I didn't want someone to take advantage of us and our desire to connect to our daughter's history.   I saw Ethiostork's website and all the resources that they provide for Ethiopian adoptive families.  Conducting a birth parent search is just one aspect of their service to adoptive families.   After researching, conversations about the process with Duni, founder of Ethiostork, making sure it was all legitimate, talking with other families (via email) and then doing some soul searching, I new the time was right for us to do a birth parent search for our daughter and took the leap.

It was a bit of a leap of faith.  But I trusted that Ethiostork would represent us well, and do their best to find out any information possible.  While I never thought this process would ever be possible, I had fantasies that I could one day search for her birth parent....but we know full well that "I" couldn't just waltz into an Ethiopian village and start asking very personal and sensitive questions.  It takes the right Ethiopian person, who knows the culture, the language, the systems to do that investigating and to ask those really tough questions.

I knew that in this process that the information we had could lead to a dead end.  Of course, it would be impossible for Ethiostork to guarantee that a birth parent would be found, but they did say they have had good successes.    So, this process was about trust and hope....that if we sent an Ethiostork investigator out into our daughter's village that he/she would be able to uncover some information that would lead to a birth parent or relative.  If there was a dead end in the process more than anything I wanted to be able to tell Tessa that we tried.

Of course, each person's birth parent search is bound to be very different. There may be painful realities.  I can tell you in our case it just took the right person to ask the questions to get to the truth.  The truth that was right there below the surface.   It didn't take long at all to find out the treasured information about my daughter's birth history and first family.    

I know now that things in Ethiopia aren't always as they first appear.  Sadly, people are so often in desperate situations and are forced to create stories to bring children into care when they can't care for them.  It is a fact....a very sad fact.    It is also a fact that Ethiostork helped us uncover the truth.  They have given our daughter the answers.  She will know names, she will know context and will even know the treasured face of her first mother because Ethiostork created a DVD of their interview.   It is an incredible gift.  I am so grateful I listened to my instinct, trusted and took the leap to search for our daughter's first family with Ethiostork.

This is our daughter today.....

today she will point to her shirt and say "Africa".  I ask her, "Where were you born?" and she says "Oo-pia".   Some day she will know even more and will have answers.  Having her story she will be able to have a better understanding of her past.  Her story is apart of our family today and for future generations, and we are so grateful to know it.

If you are reading this and would like to talk more about our journey with Ethiostork and our birth family search in Ethiopia, please email me at jrmrikkers@yahoo.com.

take care.

dear first Mama

Dear first mother,

For years I have been sending you love in prayers hoping they would reach you.   Knowing you were bringing our daughter into the world.  And then not knowing if we would ever know you or be able to find you.

I barely have the words to express our love and gratitude for you.   You chose to bring this beautiful life into the world under very difficult circumstances.   Thank you for making that choice, for carrying this life and bringing her into the world.   We can only imagine the pain of being unable to raise this precious life.  What you have been through isn't fair.  We want you to know she will be raised with you in our hearts, knowing the struggle you went through to bring this life into the world, and knowing the grief of relinquishing her to another.

Please know how grateful we are that you shared information about yourself for Tessa.   Thank you for sharing your story and giving it to our  daughter.    Being able to have some answers for her about you, and her first days is a gift like no other imaginable.  To have your words, to have your grace and for her to be able to see your image on the video is the most beautiful gift that will be treasured by our daughter and future generations.  

We can't know what your heart is feeling.  It is our prayer that your heart feels a sense of peace.  Peace in knowing that you will be known to our daughter.  Peace in knowing that she is being given a life full of love, where she will have every opportunity given to her and that she will be taught to love and know about the world and life outside of this priviledge. 

In the years to come as we raise our daughter you will never be forgotten.  Your name will fall lovingly and frequently on our daughter's ears.  She will know that your heart wanted to raise her, but that you were unable to.  She will know that the life you were born into was unfair and did not allow you the choices and options that our daughter will have.  She will know.      

With such love, gratitude and respect.

found

It is with both a heavy heart and such gratitude that I am able to share that we have identified our sweet girl's birth mother.  It is simply amazing to me that this was possible.   That we now know more about her entrance into the world.  A world that is just not fair.    

It isn't fair that some people are born into situations in which they are unable to nuritious their children, have access to resources.   It is isn't fair that people have to create stories so a child can be brought into care when they aren't able to care for them.  It is all just unfair.   And yet, this all had to be for our daughter to come home to us.   Somehow it is all apart of the plan for all of us even if I don't understand it or the inequities of it all.

While I am not sharing Tessa's story, it is hers, I can say very important new information surfaced through the investigation.  

To start this search we shared what information we had from her referral and that is where the investigator started.   It doesn't seem it was that terribly difficult for the investigator to reveal the truth.  It was right there under the surface and just took some probing to uncover it.

Ethiostork did a very professional job at navigating the very sensitive issues surrounding a birth mother search.  They know where to start, who to talk to.   We know could have never done this ourselves without someone asking the questions for us to discover the truth.

The truth can be painful.  I also think it can offer peace, understanding and completion.  I am feeling all of these things, but mostly I am incredibly grateful.   

It makes me wonder if her birth mother is also feeling some of these things...the pain, the peace, understanding and completion.   I can't know for sure, but it seems to me she might be because she now also has information she didn't have before.  She knows her daughter has been adopted, in America, she saw a recent photo of her happy and healthy and also expressed her gratitude for us raising her.    

For over 2 years I have been sending prayers, loving and hopeful energy into the universe hoping it would reach her birth mother.   Perhaps it has been received.

searching...

Dear sweet girl,

We have started a search.  A search in your birth place to find a birth relative.  I don't know where it will lead, but I do know we must try.    It is possible that we may be left without knowing the answers to your questions.   There is so much we don't know.   One thing I know for sure, we are forever blessed to love you and call you our daughter.   

love-Mama

I have decided to go forward with a birth family search for Tessa through Ethiostork.

There are so many questions that I know Tessa will carry with her.  One's we will never be able to answer for her.

When I ran across this service and saw other adoptive families making connections for their children, I decided it was worth a try.   In my mind the more time that passes, the more likely it is for information to fade.   Tessa is now 2 years and 4 months old.   

After many conversations about the process and a lot of soul searching, ultimately it came down to having answers for Tessa.   Now is the time to try.   I don't know if we will make any connection.  I don't know what answers will come of this.  But I am hopeful something will emerge.

Worst case scenario is that we discover nothing and have lost some $ with a search.  To me, it is a risk worth taking.  Someday in the future I want to be able to tell Tessa that we tried to find out more and accept that facts of what we do know.

The information (names we have, dates, photos, location) has all been sent and the search has been started.  

As I go about my day I wonder about how this search is intiated.   Who is driving to Hossana and is asking the hard questions?  Who is making the connections in the community?  I am so curious about the process.  But mostly I am sending all sorts of love and hope into this process that is happening in our daughter's birth place.

It's all for you sweet girl.

referral anniversary

September 11th....it is the date that sits in many hearts for many reasons.  And while we will never forget the sadness of this day, we also hold this day in our hearts with joy as the anniversary of our sweet girl's referral.

Tessa...

It was 2 years ago today that the hope in our hearts became reality.... you came into our lives.   It was the day that we saw your sweet face for the very first time on our computer screen.   It was the day we heard your sweet name, Tesfanesh, for the first time, and learned it means "you are hope".   We were in awe.   

The journey to you was long, and had unexpected turns and yet it was right where we were all suppose to be.   In that moment it was clear we were always on our way to you.

In two years we have come so far....and it yet it feels like we have been here forever.   

2 years ago that space in our hearts was full....full of the knowledge of you, full of joy.

my heart at ease....

At the same time I was dealing with some truly negative, ucky energy....

the universe sent me the most amazing knowledge and put everything back into perspective.

Tirunesh is with her forever family!!!!     My heart is at ease.....and full of JOY!

After some heart felt inquiries and the kindness of our adoption social worker, today I received word that sweet Tirunesh is indeed with her forever family.

I don't know anymore information other than just what I needed to know.  Tirunesh has been home with her family for about a year and a half.  So, it is clear that the major issues in her referral were thankfully able to be resolved....she is being loved and nurtured in her forever family and that is a true blessing.

Thank you God.

I realize that with the heartbreak of Tirunesh's invalid referral 2 years ago(see this post) that she was able to unite with her forever family, and as a result we were united with our forever daughter.  I believe it was all meant to be and is just as it should be.

Tonight as I rock Tessa I will be thinking of Tirunesh, knowing that her forever family is indeed looking in her eyes, that she is being held, cared for, nurtured and loved forever.

Thank you God, thank you universe.... for this knowledge, that puts my heart at ease and fills my heart with joy and singing with gratitude!

in those eyes

2 years ago...I looked into those eyes, those sad eyes in the referral photo and my heart was broken, I was broken.   We were trying to grieve the loss of Tirunesh, process the facts of her referral, and the injustice that her referral was not valid.  We were trying to reopen our hearts and minds to the idea that she was not our child forever, and we are not her forever family.  Trying to see that our forever daughter was still on her journey to us and us to her.  

It was such a painful, heart wrenching time...I remember feeling so raw, undone, confused and hurt by the unexpected knowledge.   I had truly fallen in love with this child I had never held, only seeing her referral photo, seeing the sadness in her eyes, the confusion on her face in the photo and wanting so badly to comfort her.   She was my daughter in my soul and mind for months and when we were told her referral wasn't valid it was heart-breaking.   

Knowing what I now know, I see that things in Ethiopia are often confused in translation, that is part of what we think happened, but really we don't know for sure.   I believe her "supposed birth father" was protecting someone with his misinformation in the referral.  Whatever his reasons, I believe his misinformation came from a place of love and protection for someone, but that someone is unclear.

And so, Tirunesh had to wait for all of that confusion to be worked out to be placed in a forever home.   

I see know that Tirunesh was a part of the journey to bring Tessa home.  If we hadn't had Tirunesh's referral and we would not have been available to recieve Tessa's referral 2 months later.   I believe the same for Tirunesh's placement in her forever family as well.  She will never know we were apart of her journey, but I know it and pray it worked out beautifully.

As we traveled to Ethiopia 6 months after the heart break I was thinking about Tirunesh and I wondered.    I wondered... if she was at the same care center as Tessa?   Had her relinquishment been finalized so she was able to be adopted?   Had she been referred to her forever family?  Will I recognize her if she is there?   Would I see her?  

When we were at the care center is Addis Ababa I kept my heart open and prayed that I would see Tirunesh and recognize her.   

That prayer was answered.   

On day 2 at the care center I was alone walking up the stairs as I looked into a room full of toddlers happily playing.  I quickly scanned knowing that by then she would have changed dramatically but that Tirunesh would be about that age.  I watched for a moment and had hope.... and then I spotted her.  

There she was!  

She looked right at me and smiled and I knew.  I looked at a nanny and said in a questioning manner, "Tirunesh?" and she nodded yes.   I squatted down, smiled and she came to me.  She came to me and my heart filled with the same love and joy and hope that I felt when we received her referral.   As I held and hugged her for a moment I wanted her to feel that love.  As I  looked in those eyes I saw what felt like some kind of "knowing", or at least that is how it felt.  Perhaps God gave me that feeling to ease the pain of having to put her down and let go forever.

I had studied her referral photo so many times that I would have recognized those beautiful almond shaped eyes anywhere and believe I would still today.   Everything else about Tirunesh had changed.  She was not a frail little one any longer....she was robust, healthy and thriving.  She didn't have the look or face of a sad, confused and deprived infant any longer.  In those eyes I saw that she simply looked healthy, happy. and hopeful.

As I type this I wonder who is looking in those eyes now?  Has she has been home with her forever family for months?  With all the uphevel in Ethiopian adoptions recently I wonder....and am concerned and I want to know if she is o.k. and home with her forever family.  I want to trust that she is and that she has been home for months, perhaps longer.   On this day, 2 years away from the heart-break, my heart is aching with the unknown as I look in those eyes in the referral photo again.  I am trying to accept the unknown and trust this whole journey.  But I know today I will be looking for a sign, for comfort, for the hope...perhaps in those eyes of my sweet girl.

this time of year

Once there were 2 mothers and it was this time of year.

For one mother this time of year everything is in bloom, the green grass grows so quickly.   The days are longer.  The iris' just finished blooming while the roses show their color and the lilies are ready to show themselves soon.   The robins are busy feeding their nest full of babies.   It is this time of year that she was carrying her first born, Judson.  She remembers this time of year so well precisely because she was on the verge of motherhood...and then became a mother on July 1st, 2001.

It is this time of year for a mother in Ethiopia.  For her this time of year is not marked on a calendar by a month, day of the week or even year.  For her this time of year is marked by the crops growing.  This time of year is marked by the wet weather as they enter the rainy season.  The dirt roads under her feet may be muddy and slick.  She may not have the date, but she may look around and see this time of year and remember.   It was this time of year 2 years ago that she brought our daughter into the world.   This child was given a birth date of July 1st, 2009.

It is this time of year that these 2 mothers were both on a journey of motherhood.

It is this time of year that 2 children were on their journey to each of us, 8 years between them.

It is this time of year that one mother grieves for the other's loss, and wonders and wishes and hopes....

It is this time of year that one mother is forever grateful.

Forever grateful for the beautiful life brought into the world.

Forever grateful for God uniting our lives together forever.

It is this time of year, and beyond, that these 2 mothers will be forever connected through the thread of life, love and motherhood.  It is this time of year.

gentle nudges...

{I am about to take on #13 "Service the church" & #38 "do something outside my comfort zone" from my "40 before 40" list!}

About 6 months ago the pastor from our church called and asked if I would give the sermon on "Lay" (lay person) Sunday in March.  He thought a sermon about what inspired my journey to AIDS Walk Africa (AWA).  I said "sure, I will" and put it in the back of my mind.  It sat there, made me feel nervous and I put it away.  So, now that Sunday is approaching and it is in the fore front of my mind.

First, the fact that "I" am giving a sermon blows my mind.  I have long struggled with parts of the literal biblical teachings and have rebelled against religion in general (a whole different post).  I have been totally resistant to all of it because all I could see was the judgement of religions.  All I could see was what I didn't like.   Only recently (last 2 years) have I found peace in my own Christian faith.  Our family found a church we connected to and that supported our beliefs about the world, so we became members of our United Church Of Christ church here in Monroe.  I love the church, the people, the loving messages.  It fits.  It feels good to be growing spiritually and have a place to plant the seeds for my children.  But to be asked to give a "sermon" still blows my mind.  me?   anyway....

I thought the initial focus of my sermon might be "to whom much is entrusted, much is demanded".  A philosophy I have always believed.  I really didn't even know it was from Jesus' teachings until the pastor told me!  ha!  The process of writing this sermon has lead me to find clarity in what I am really wanting to share about my journey to Africa, both for AWA and to bring our sweet girl to her forever family.  This process has help me understand the calling....the gentle nudges I have been receiving for years and years.

While examining my message for the sermon, I came to the realization that I had a "calling".   Me?  A calling from God, who knew.   Our pastor was kind enough to sit down and talk with me about what I would share.  She listened and said, "what you are talking about is a universal experience, it is "a calling".
Again, me?

For as long as I can remember I was drawn to the concept of adoption.  I was also painfully fascinated by the images of Ethiopia as a child.  In fact, I remember once my mother sat me down in front of the t.v. to see the images of Ethiopia children with the hope of giving me some perspective on my own life (I am sure I needed it)....and she said she was so surprised by how deeply I was affected by it.  I remember it very well and can still see those images in my mind today.  I was deeply affected.  Perhaps that was God's initial gentle nudge.

Then growing up I had all sorts of nudges in this direction, teaching me about the world.  As a young adult I still had the interest in adoption and just "knew" I would adopt internationally.  I even interned and worked in the field of domestic adoption, but knew I would adopt internationally.  There were nudges all along this path.   Then while we were living abroad I kept running into the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, in a magazine, on the BBC network on tv... it became this reoccurring theme that I was running into and thinking about.  I was a young mother with a 1 and 3 year old.  No direct connection to the issue, and yet it kept surfacing for me....nudge after gentle nudge.

Then we moved back to the U.S. and settled in to where we live now.  The issue kept surfacing. Nudging.   Then I had a 3rd son.  The idea of adoption and a fourth child was very strong.... I knew what I needed to do, and thankfully my hubby was with me.   But we thought adoption from China.  The actual day that I sent our initial paperwork and $500 to the Chinese Embassy, we got the call from our social worker that China was not looking good for us due to the delayed time line and the fact that we had so much "good debt" (school loans, mortgage).  Back to the drawing board on the country....but knowing international was right.  Then it hit me....Ethiopia.  I began my research and immediately I knew.  Yes, Ethiopia is where our daughter is from.  I had been receiving all of these nudges about AWA, thinking of Africa, I was drawn to it.  I had decided I wanted to participate in AWA.   I just knew it.   It took my hubby a little longer, but he trusted my strong instincts and jumped on board.

Now as I look back on it, I think it was all apart of the same calling.  God was nudging me in this direction for years.....perhaps my whole life.    I just needed to be able to receive it.  Finally, I was at a place to receive it.  It isn't a mistake that this calling came to me in this form.  How else could I hear it.  I was so resistant to anything biblical or religiously based.  That would not have worked.  But now I can see so clearly that God gave me this calling in a way that opened my heart, that let these possibilities to give back to the world and bring our daughter home.

I didn't know it...which perhaps is the best thing.
Those gentle nudges were opening my heart....to other mothers and children in Africa, to adoption and bringing our daughter home to her forever family from Ethiopia.  Those gentle nudges were all intertwined, opening my heart, my mind.   And ultimately, without even knowing it, I let God in as well.

I will be asking the congregation to look within and ask themselves what "gentle nudges" they may be receiving.  What are the gifts and talents they have to share?  They are all different for each of us....
What about you?  been nudged lately?

Tomorrow I go practice the sermon at the pulpit.....yikes.  This is really outside my comfort zone....it is both public speaking and at church!   pray for me! ;)

more, more

 This post is overdue.  I have been waiting until the time felt right to write about rocking with my sweet girl.   "The Rockin' Mama Challenge"  was just the nudge I needed to start to commit to rocking together.  We had been rocking from the beginning of our arrival home, now just a year ago, but I wanted to take it to the next level.


A year ago, Tessa had difficulty making eye contact.  She didn't want to be held close and would feel restless.  There were times she would fall asleep in my arms out of exhaustion, but not from being soothed.  More than anything, she would want to suck her thumb and look away.  I could feel her distance, I could feel her pain and my heart was breaking.  

The thumb sucking was a big sign to me that I needed to teach her that I could soothe her.  That she could trust me to care for her, meets her needs, make her feel at ease.  The thumb sucking was so habitual that when she came home she wanted to suck her thumb so much that she would take a spoonful of babyfood and then insert her thumb.  It was the only mechanism she had to soothe herself.   Rocking became apart of the process of building the trust, growing our attachment and ultimately letting go of the thumb.  


There were times when we rocked that I would tuck her left arm away so she would be unable to get to her thumb.  I would distract her from her thumb with "itsy bitsy spider" and the same songs over and over.... "you are my sunshine", "I love you yes I do, "Rainbow connection", and "night, night, Tessa..it's time to say night, night".  She began making eye contact, smiling, listening more and more. Sometimes if she looked away I would stop singing and then as soon as she re-engaged eye contact again I would happily start right where I left off.   Over time, this became our special routine, so much so that now she will say "more, more" when I stop.  more...more, and so I go again.   

This photo is a self-portrait with a mirror...see the camera on our rocking chair?  The mirror on her closet is perfectly positioned across from the rocking chair.  I can't tell you how many times I was able to make eye contact with her through that mirror when direct eye contact was too much for her.  I could watch her and she could watch me.   The mirror is such a special part of our rocking that we so enjoy.  

She will be all snuggled in, watching "us", we will watch each other.

Tonight I am certain I wanted to write this post because Tessa didn't once reach for her thumb as we rocked.   Tonight she snuggled in tight to me ready to start rocking....it was the best feeling.

We rocked, looking at each other in the mirror.  

Then she leaned back into the side of my arm to look directly in my eyes and said song, song.  

I sang all of our songs, she listened, watched, smiled...she then said, "more, more".

Later she closed her eyes and began her little squinting game.  She peeks out of her eyes just a bit to see if I am watching.  This fun little game that she has created.  I smile big every time I see her peeking out at me.  She has the best little, happy, content smile coming back at me as she squints her eyes.  

We keep rocking.  

The squinting game turns to sleepiness.  She still hasn't wanted her thumb.  

She falls asleep in my arms and is calm, content....and so am I.  

And I say..."more, more".

rockin-mama-challenge

jebana

My most recent painting of the "jebana", an Ethiopian coffee pot, at the traditional coffee ceremony in Ethiopia.

below is excerpt from an article from Epicurean.com written by Emily Doyle:
Epicurean Ethiopian coffee article

Ethiopia's coffee ceremony is an integral part of their social and cultural life. An invitation to attend a coffee ceremony is considered a mark of friendship or respect and is an excellent example of Ethiopian hospitality. Performing the ceremony is almost obligatory in the presence of a visitor, whatever the time of day. Don't be in a hurry though - this special ceremony can take a few hours. So sit back and enjoy because it is most definitely not instant.Ethiopian homage to coffee is sometimes ornate, and always beautifully ceremonial. The ceremony is usually conducted by one young woman, dressed in the traditional Ethiopian costume of a white dress with coloured woven borders. The long involved process starts with the ceremonial apparatus being arranged upon a bed of long scented grasses. The roasting of the coffee beans is done in a flat pan over a tiny charcoal stove, the pungent smell mingling with the heady scent of incense that is always burned during the ceremony. The lady who is conducting the ceremony gently washes a handful of coffee beans on the heated pan, then stirs and shakes the husks away. When the coffee beans have turned black and shining and the aromatic oil is coaxed out of them, they are ground by a pestle and a long handled mortar. Theground coffee is slowly stirred into the black clay coffee pot locally known as 'jebena', which is round at the bottom with a straw lid. Due to the archaic method used by Ethiopians, the ground result can be called anything but even, so the coffee is strained through a fine sieve several times. The youngest child is then sent out to announce when it is to be served and stands ready to bring a cup of coffee first to the eldest in the room and then to the others, connecting all the generations. The lady finally serves the coffee in tiny china cups to her family, friends and neighbours who have waited and watched the procedure for the past half-hour. Gracefully pouring a thin golden stream of coffee into each little cup from a height of one foot without an interruption requires years of practice

connecting....to the hope

testing, testing.....1,2,3.....testing.

There have been many moments in the last year that I deeply wished we could do a quick and simple test on our connection, our attachment with our daughter.   Then, maybe, I would have the answers I so dearly desired.  Is she feeling secure and cared for?  Does she know I am her Mom...forever?  Does she trust us?  And then the big one....does she love me?


But the truth is that I do have a lot of that information, it is just hard to see it clearly sometimes.  Hard to feel it and to trust this process when I feel rejected, hurt and confused by her and our attachment, or connection.

The fact that Tessa was well cared for and loved by nannies (for nearly 8 months) in her ET care center leaves many with the impression that she should have come out of that situation unscathed.   She was healthy, clean and seemed happy, she was clearly adored by the nannies.  But it was a care center, an orphanage, and that can in no way replace being with a family, with a parent, a mother or father loving you day in and day out.

A year ago we were in Ethiopia getting to know our sweet girl.  A year later, here is what I do and don't know about Tessa's early months and making connections, and where we are today.

I don't have any idea how many times she cried and couldn't be soothed.
I do know that she when we met her she sucked her thumb fiercely and constantly...still does when tired.

I don't know how many times she cried and could not be picked up, how many hours she laid in a crib.
I do know she routinely lays in her crib, goes to sleep and wakes without crying as if it is second nature. *full disclosure*  I love that she is so incredibly easy to lay down, it makes my life easier.  I never had that with my birth children, but I realize this sleep training wasn't exactly from an ideal situation.

I don't know for sure how being held outward and given her milk by cup affected her.
I do know that she loved a bottle the first time I gave it to her in Ethiopia.
I do know that she wouldn't make eye contact with me and that my instincts told me to make sure we made this eye contact.  I fed her right at my chest, held inward and if she broke eye contact I would pull the bottle up gently from her mouth and give it back as soon as we met eyes again....it felt right.

I don't know how much she played or how much playtime she would have been able to have with a nanny.
I do know she had no idea how to play when we got home (at 8 months).
I do know that it seemed like she didn't know how to "laugh"....and in time she learned.

I don't know if she was particularily attached to any one nanny.
I do know that after we arrived home, I was a nanny in her eyes for a long time....
I could feel it and see it.  When I realized she saw me as another nanny it did hurt but I also understood it.

Today, in this moment, it is crystal clear to me that this is all about Tessa's pain.  The grief, while it may be subconscious, it remains.  There had to be such loss before Tessa could become apart of our family.  And while Tessa was far too young to understand or remember it, her experience remains.  As humans we are innately wired to seek connection, to seek a caregiver to bond with, to survive.  To make eye contact, to feel secure and soothed by another, to have all of our needs met.  And the truth is that was impossible for our sweet girl in her early months.  So, I feel when that bond and security doesn't happen naturally early on in life, what remains is a wound of the soul.

I most need to remind myself of this soul wound when Tessa overtly rejects my love.  When she is hurt and needs comfort, but reaches for another.  When she won't let me soothe her.  It is in these moments she is showing me her soul wound.  She needs us to really "see" her and the information that she is able to give.

There are is also the signs that her soul wound is healing.  {we are healing, we are healing.}  I see the healing in the moments she laughs; when she makes a little expression just for me to see;  when we snuggle, sing and rock in our chair; when she says "Mama, hold me" and reaches up with those sweet little hands.   When the soul wound resurfaces I need to remember the journey, why it is here, what we are all suppose to be learning from it.

Through all of the ups and downs in this adoption journey (and there have been many), the journey has always been about hope.  Even Tessa's name is derived from her Ethiopian name, Tesfanesh, literally meaning "you are hope".  I do hope and believe that the soul wound will heal.   And I know that we are healing that soul wound everyday...I am staying with the hope.

testing, testing .......1,2,3.........connecting to the hope.

**Claudia over at my--fascinating--life.blogspot.com is holding a blog symposium on attachment.  be sure to stop over and check out all the links...people sharing about this most personal and important topic!

never the same

a year ago....we left to our side of the world to meet these beautiful faces, these lives, this country of Ethiopia touched our lives and I was never the same.

I can't help but sit and wander back in my mind to where we were as a family a year ago.  On our way to meet our daughter, then just 7 months old.  It was such an intense time full of anticipation, love, the unknown, hope.   A year later I am in awe of it all.   At moments it feels so far away from where we are today.   Then in other moments I feel like apart of me is still there.  Perhaps it is both.

I just went back and read the few posts I was able to write while in Ethiopia.
They bring it all back and more.

links to last years Ethiopia posts:

we met our daughter today    (we met Tessa the day after we arrived)
this is big love            (going to Hosanna, Tessa's birth place, coffee ceremony & birth family meeting)
no mascara needed     (emotions...emotions....)
at last....photos of Tessa   (finally able to take photos outside of the care center at the guest house)
i will, i will...   (leaving Tessa's birth country and bringing her home)

When we went to Ethiopia I knew I would feel many things and tried to prepare my heart and soul.  I did not want to protect it, I wanted to open my heart and soul up, take it all in.  To be able to feel it for myself and also to fully share with my daughter one day.  I never knew how it would change me, make my heart grow.  When in Ethiopia, if you allow yourself to see and feel the injustice of this world's inequity, the poverty; when you really look into the eyes of the mothers, fathers and children; you are forever touched by this country..... but you can also feel the hope.

Tessa's name is derived from her Ethiopian name "Tesfanesh" literally meaning "you are hope"
Everyday I hold this hope in my arms, every day.  To have been entrusted with this hope and the life of one of Ethiopia's children, is both a privilege and one of God's miracle.   It has left me forever grateful, forever changed.  Quite simply, never the same.

one year ago-

one year ago-
you were smiling for and  being held by your nannies.
we were packing, organizing and ready to jump on a plane to Ethiopia to meet you
you had no idea your forever family was coming to you to bring you home
we knew you only known through reports and photos
you had never drank from a bottle and looked in our eyes.  you drank from a cup, held outward
we had never counted your little toes
you had only ever known a nursery with many babies and loving nannies
we had only ever known life with 3 little boys
you had your thumb to comfort you
we had a blanket to give you
you had not yet felt our love
we loved you already
one year ago the anticipation was so wonderful, so intense.
We couldn't wait to hold you in our arms at last and forever.
one year ago, sweet girl and now look at you!

And while I am sharing this "colorful" photo....I can't help but want to enter it in 

Faith-Simplicity photography challenge

reaching

My heart feels like it is bleeding.   I am reaching out right now because sometimes I get in my head.  big surprise, huh?!   We were just out of town for 4 days (Superbowl mania).  Beyond the normal Mommy anxieties about leaving their children, I always wonder if it will effect Tessa's attachment to me when I leave.   I feel like we have been making really steady progress from where we started (which in the beginning I was a nanny to her...her only frame of reference).  But with every few steps forward I do realize now that when you go out of town their is bound to be a step back.

Full disclosure....I am very tuned in, very intuitive in general.  Possibly too much so to the nuances in relationships, always have been.  And while it is so important to be aware of your children's state of mind, sometimes during this bonding process it makes me feel insecure and anxious.  Insecure about Tessa's need for me.   This has been ever present the last 4 days.  She has literally been "reaching up" to any woman when I am present.  I'm right there.  I am there ready to pick her up when she reaches and she is searching for someone else. I will reach down and she will often look for another option if we are around other people.  She has even been going to the boys for comfort.  It makes me feel so sad.  Defeated.  I am trying so very hard to build the trust, attachment and love.  To be the one to comfort her and so often she doesn't seek or want my comfort.  I don't understand.

Today Tessa had a round of vaccine shots.  (always awful to watch as a Mommy and scary for her).  After her vaccine while she was screaming and needed to be comforted, I was holding her and she reached for the nurse that had just given her the vaccine.   I felt so hurt.  I don't know what to make of it. I almost felt like she was trying to hurt me.   That sounds crazy, I know.  Obviously, we are still on our journey.  But sometimes this journey hurts my heart.  Each time she reaches for someone else, avoiding me.....while I am reaching for answers, for an end, for comfort of my own that everything will be o.k. for Tessa and I.  I love her so.....

below is my beloved chandelier.....half of it is looking through glass.
Things are distorted....
Among these tears and this heavy heart there must be hope, there must be clarity...

African Ornament

Tessa's first Christmas home.  I remember last Christmas so clearly and how I was dreaming of our next Christmas together.  And here we are...it feels like a miracle in so many ways.

This beautiful Africa ornament recently arrived and has been gracing our tree this year.  I love its simplicity and beauty.  I love that it will hang on our Christmas tree forever reminding all of us of Tessa's homeland, her birth family, our love for Ethiopia.  The bonus is that this ornament is apart of the Moore family's fundraising efforts to bring home their son, Miles.   Please check out their blog and order something to support their efforts!

http://makingroomformoore.blogspot.com/

Full circle moment

Tessa caught me off guard yesterday while we were in the art studio.  I was working on a new piece specifically for a silent auction benefiting Seeds of Africa (whom work in Ethiopia!).  There she was....admiring the "Message from Swaziland" series.  The paintings are right at her level (because of the angle of my studio wall space), which really seems perfect now that I think about it.  

There she was looking into the eyes of the children that had touched me so deeply in Swaziland.  I can remember clearly while in Swaziland that when I looked into the eyes of those beautiful children that I was thinking of our daughter who was on her way to us.  I had so many questions...had she even been conceived?  Was her birth family living in similar circumstances to what I was seeing?  I thought about her and asked myself questions that were unanswered around every corner.  I looked into those eyes and wondered....  and now I have the answers.  full circle.  And here I was creating a new piece of art specifically with images of those very eyes I had looked into 2 years ago and at the same time our sweet girl was looking back with wonder and curiosity.  full circle moment.

Here is the piece 

 "See" 

It is loaded with symbols....the postage stamps are a literal symbol of sending you a message "postcard" from Africa.  "See Hope" is scratched in by the butterflies, which have fiddleheads painted on them....my favorite symbol of hope.  (As fiddleheads bloom early in the spring after the winter...I also named my website fiddlehead art for this reason).  Then "see us" is scratched into the boys forehead....and "see Africa" is scratched in next to the antique map of Africa. This piece is all acrylic and mixed media with paper, clay imprints (in the corner) and photo image transfers of the eyes.   

I am so incredibly grateful to be able to create art I love and be able to give back through it.  

Heres hoping it generates some $$$ for Seeds of Africa this weekend!