+ 10

I stood on my bath scale tonight.   +10.   yep, there it is!
Ugh....I am so frustrated.  And since this is where I share all the good stuff, I am also going to share the downer of the day.  I am +10 and it ticks me off.  I have gained 10 pounds since my ruptured disk, which was in early May.  I am so mad that I let this happen.  Ugh.  Before I injured my back I was really doing well in taking good care of myself.  I had been eating well, drinking protein shakes, getting my workouts in and was 10 pounds lighter.  I felt good and my clothes were fitting better.   Then the back injury and the exercise was put on hold, even daily activity was limited.  So, here I am 10 pounds heavier...and so mad that my indulgences got the best of me.   I know what I did, too little movement while I ate whatever I felt like since I was hurting.   Not hard to see that, but now I need to take off the chunk and that won't be any fun.   Since I am so mad about my body right now I am going to use that number "10" and say out loud 10 positive things about gaining10 pounds.
1.   Lots of rest in bed= no calorie burn
2.   Eatting ice cream at night
3.   I enjoyed being told not exercise at all.  None. Zippo...Zilch.
4.  even though I gaing 10, I can now feel my left leg because of the successful back surgery
5.   I caught up on all my DVR'd shows and reality t.v......I swear those shows make you gain.
6.  Pretty much eatting anything I wanted, which I obviously enjoy
7.  snuggling in bed with my dog, kitty cat and kiddos
8.   My boobs got bigger
9.  At least I am not pregnant.
10.  There is more of me to love

There it is.....I am back on track today.  The Dr. has given me the go ahead to start exercising slowly.  I am grateful for my health.  I am grateful that the surgery was totally successful.   And I am grateful that I know how to lose it, just mad that I have to do it again.

Back to....

My back.  It has been the focus lately.  Back to normal?    Not yet, but, at least my back is on its way back to its new normal!

The surgery this past week went really well.   I was actually looking forward to having it done to remedy the discomfort in my left leg.  The nerve there was being pressed on by the disk tissue in my spinal canal.   Thankfully my spinal canal is super-sized, so the pain wasn't as bad as it would be for most.   lucky me....I am grateful!   But it was one of those problems that wouldn't remedy itself and would worsen over time and wear.

The nuerosurgeon had said it was a very "impressive"amount of disk tissue by the MRI's view.  Turns out it really was.  In fact, he said I am in his TOP 5 for the amount of disk tissue that was in there.   Approximately 8 cm worth, which is huge.  He said it was a more difficult surgery for him as a result.  Glad I could give him a challenge.

So, now I am recuperating at home.  We have had the help of amazing friends and family.  People amaze me in how they reach out....texts, email, cupcakes, sleepovers for my kids, picking the kids up for playdates, dinner, flowers.  Oh, the flowers are filling up my bedroom with their beauty and scent.

My sister drove over 6 hours to be here in awful traffic to take care of me, and all of us, with her 6 month old and being half way through her current pregnancy.  Yes, she is amazing and loving.  And did a great job taking care of the house and kids and me.
i love this photo of Krissy...

My parents also made the long trip and are now here doing the same.  They are keeping everyone happy....making sure I don't do too much and rest, making sure I eat, get my fiber and take my meds.  It is wonderful.  wonderful, I tell you.  I am so lucky to have this life.   back to normal soon, but for now I rest, watch way too much reality t.v. on the OWN network and E!....read People magazine, blogs and of course, accomplish a little on-line shopping.

I did have one BIG outting 2 days after surgery to see Seinfeld.  Yep, Seinfeld!!! I WAS. NOT. going to miss it.  We have had tickets with friends to see Jerry for months.  I almost rescheduled my surgery, but the Dr. and nurse both said I shouldn't and that a little outting like that would be just fine for me, especially since I wouldn't need to drive and would have my meds.  So, we did it.  Unfortunately, I got really woozy on the ride to Madison.   Silly me, forgot to eat enough and the meds made my tummy ucky.  Really ucky.  So, I fought it and fought it.  I was able to enjoy Seinfelf for a whole 40 minutes without the uckies and then it came back.  Andy and I went to the family restroom and listened to Jerry overhead while I sat near the toilet.  nothing happened.    But we were able to listen to Seinfeld and laugh...both at him and the obsurdity of all of it.   I was determined....and it was worth it, because the show was AWESOME  and Andy was laughing so hard he was wiping tears away!   good times.....

on my way back to normal.....and I am grateful.  And yes, I am on some very nice "happy meds".  ;)

surgery...here I come

Here is the deal with my back-

  The verdict is that I absolutely need surgery for this severly ruptured disc in my lumbar (between L5 and S1).  It is scheduled for June 7th at St. Mary's in Madison and with Dr. Carter, who is top notch.  Dr.  Carter said that this situation is unusual in the fact that we aren't trying shots, physical therapy and waiting longer....the only fix here is surgery and we don't want it to worsen.  This is because the piece of disc material is indeed so HUGE and in my spinal canal pressing on the left side.  Actually, every Dr. that has seen the MRI says, "this is really IMPRESSIVE".  That is never good.  Dr. Carter is a highly respected surgeon, this is a very routine surgery for him, and it will be minimally invasive.  Go in, get the disc out, and hopefully just close me up....so that is also positive. 

But it must be removed and June 7th is the first chance he could get me in because he is leaving town for a couple weeks in a day.  If other important parts go numb (bowels, lady parts) then I would go in for emergency surgery, but now I am taking a steroid to get the swelling down to ease the pain and make surgery easier.  So that is good.  The side effects (acne, weight gain, sleeplessness, hyper/nervousness) of this steroid sound awful and I hope I don't develop any of them.  Like I need any of that!  

But the surgery date of June 7th gives me time to prepare the family and get the swelling down with steroids.

Apparently, the reason I am not in more excruciating pain is because I have a "super-sized" spine and therefore a very large spinal canal...that means more space for the disc to sit in there on my nerves.  More room in there and that means less pressure.  I still feel pain, and the numbness is there, but it isn't nearly as awful as the average patient.  Apparently, this also means I must have undiscovered super powers.  ;)   tee hee....but we knew that   (joke) ha ha ha

So, there it is.  The recovery should be fairly fast.  I will be in surgery in the morning and home later that day.  They want me up and moving around soon after surgery.  I will have 2 weeks of really taking it easy.   And should likely be fully recovered in 6 weeks.  

One of the hardest parts of this is that I can only carry 10 pounds!   Tessa is already struggling with this one and it hurts my heart to not be able to carry her.   I will be doing a lot of sitting on the ground with her.   Having her crawl into her car seat, crib, high chair, changing diapers on the floor....  it will be fine.  Just a pain in the butt, but I already have that!

I better go....the littles are around me and there is chaos brewing. 

But wanted all of you to hear the news from me.   It is good...I am young, healthy and everything points to a wonderful recovery this summer.  I will be sitting in my garden this year and just watching the blooms grow and the little ones run around.  that can't be so bad!?  ;).

silver lining

So right now I am staying focused on the silver lining.....I finally know what the deal is with my back.

I had an MRI (which alone is a TRIP) and it shows that I have a severe herniated lumbar (L5 near sacrum) disc.    There is a large amount of disc tissue that has broken up and moved into the spinal column and is pressing on my nerves.... hence the PAIN radiating into my left leg, numbness in my foot and cramping in my leg muscles. not fun.

The Dr. has informed me that I must have high tolerance for pain.  Who knew?  Not I, apparently I must for the pain to just now be bothering me.   It is at the point where physical therapy is not really an option.  I am sure I have had this progressing for years.   10 years ago I was pregnant when I began experiencing numbness and sciatic pain in my thigh.....it would come and go.   With each pregnancy it worsened.   It was something I became use to and found it lessened with stretching, yoga, ibubrofen (my b.f.f.) and chiropratic adjustments.   That is until recently when the pain has become much more difficult to tolerate and manage.  

So, it is looking like physical therapy wouldn't have a chance in touching this problem.  A cortizone shot  would be a temporary solution.   Pain meds don't even touch the nerve pain.   At this point we are trying to prevent permanent nerve damage.   Next Monday I will be consulting with a (top notch) neuro-surgeon about the options, surgical and otherwise.  The risks, pros and cons....all that jazz.

Here is the silver lining.....always trying to see that!   I have a real sense of relief to know there really is something wrong.   To know what is actually happening in my body is important and empowering.  I also know that  I am young, strong and healthy which means I will likely have a great surgical outcome.  And I am incredibly grateful to have wonderfully competent health care and have full medical insurance .....I am counting my blessings knowing I am so fortunate.

what a pain

I assure you I haven't fallen off the planet.....
just dealing with awful back pain.   it stinks. bad.

I have been babying my lower back for a good 10 months.   Actually, a few months after Tessa arrived home my lower back was bothering me.  I had been carrying Tessa a lot in baby wrap....which I loved.   I found myself holding her a lot, especially in my efforts to bond with her.  All the while the back was aching.....  I have likely had this weak spot for some time before Tessa came home, but it just aggravated it.

I have been stretching, exercising, going to see a wonderful Chiropractor all in efforts to keep this from progressing.

Then 4 days ago, as the trees are blooming and allergens are flying..... I sneezed.  It came so fast I couldn't brace my back for it.  OUCH- "ouch" doesn't really express the pain....it was more like
$%^#$%^@$!  yep...insert expletives.

For days I was just in tears.  Couldn't find relief.  Couldn't sleep.  Couldn't function.  mommy needs to function.   The pain left me feeling so vulnerable, frustrated and scared it wouldn't go away.

Thankfully it has dissipated a bit.   Ibuprofen is my new constant companion.    There have also been some heavy hitters in the RX department, but they aren't as effective as you would think.

Most everyone I have spoken to (Chiropractor, my husband who is a Dr, and a rhuemtologist) is in agreement that I am at the point that I need an MRI to confirm this is a herniated disk.   I was so frustrated to go see my general Dr. to get the order for the MRI and have him tell me he would like to take a "conservative approach".   Of course, I am not walking in there asking for surgery or even a shot to kill the pain.   Isn't waiting 10 months to come see him for medication of any sort conservative?  Isn't stretching, carefully exercising, doing yoga and seeing a Chiropractor to manage the discomfort I was having in my back conservative?   how is throwing a bunch of meds at this conservative?   And they are all meds that I couldn't take during the day because they cause so much drowsiness.....that isn't going to help me when I need to function during the daytime hours.

I want and need to know what is happening in my back.   I want to know what the options are if this pain continues and how to rehabilitate my back.   My Dr. tried to talk me out of the MRI and instead suggested a list of pain meds, benzos and muscle relaxers.  I had my choice, which frankly surprised me as someone that has seen what can happen to people with addictions to pain meds (worked at a methadone clinic...yikes)   But shouldn't we know exactly what we are throwing medications, HEAVY medications at first?   Very disappointing.  That said, I did walk out with the order for the MRI.   One week I will know what is really going on in my back.

I am in bed as I type this.  pillows behind my back and under my knees.   The pain is there.  It has been an hour since I took the heavy meds and I don't feel a difference...at all.  I am just hoping they will at least help me sleep.   We shall see.  In the meantime, I am thinking about what it is for others to live with pain.  real pain that never ceases....all the different kinds.  pain of the heart, the mind, the body.

How I do hope this is a short-term health problem....for now I am hopeful that it will cease.   And I am staying with how truly grateful I am to have access to healthcare to take care of this issue. truly. grateful.