3 months....

3 months....into our new life as a family.  3 months since we arrived home with sweet Tessa.  3 months of me trying to find the "new normal", juggling 4 little ones.  3 months....

How these 3 months have passed so quickly and with so much intensity.  I feel like I haven't been able to fully document it all, but I suppose that is the nature of real life when you are fully immersed in it.  What I can tell you is that it has been full of highs and lows.  Moments of insecurity as a mother when I wasn't sure Tessa was bonding.  Insecurity I have never experienced before, but I think is normal in this experience.  There have been moments of chaos....true and utter chaos. And then there have been moments of beautiful joy and love.

The truth is that it all takes time to find your way.  Isn't that true of any parenting experience?  And adoption is certainly no exception.  Bonding is truly a process, one that takes patience, time and nurturing.  Which is precisely why it is so unique and special.  The signs of bonding are there all the time now....and I feel a sense of relief.

3 months home....3 months of being Tessa's forever Mommy, 3 months of our family complete and moving into our future together.

The Comments, Questions and Answers

Since we began the adoption process we have heard many comments from people and many questions.  "Why are you adopting?"  "Why did you choose Ethiopia?" "That baby will be so lucky"  "You are so wonderful to save a child from that situation"....I could go on and on and on.  I would field the questions, be gracious with the compliments and admiration.  Admiration that is not warranted.  We don't deserve admiration.  We wanted a child.  Yes, wanted.  We chose to bring a child into our family through adoption.    While I understand all of it, I have also been struggling with it.

Since we have come home with Tessa, there have been even more of  COMMENTS and QUESTIONS coming our way.  The comments:  "She is the luckiest baby in the world"  "She won the lottery for families" "I bet you just wanted to bring a bunch of 'them' home with you".  Each comment comes from a kind place that is meant to be a great compliment, but one that is thoughtless all the same.  People don't think about the greater meaning in their comment, not to mention the unspoken assumptions about race, culture and social class.  It isn't fair to slap a child with the "lucky" label because it implies that they are in-debted to you in some way.  She shouldn't have to carry "luck" or being indebted with her as apart of her conscience or her story.  I won't allow it.

Is it lucky to be born in a country stricken with poverty and famine?  Is it lucky that her birth family was not able to care for her?  It is lucky that Tessa will never know her birth family and have so many questions?  Is it lucky that her birth family had to suffer the greatest grief to give their daughter a different life, in order for us to have the greatest joy?  That is not luck.

Of course, as every adoptive parent knows.....we are the ones who are so blessed.  We are the ones that wanted a child and were blessed with a child through adoption.  I do believe I am lucky in many, many ways.  For instance, to be born a woman in America is very lucky.  But I also believe that it is a "God thing".  God brings people into our lives for reasons.  Family and friends.  It is not just luck that Tessa is our daughter or that we are her forever family.  God created her journey to us and our journey to her....it was a complicated journey and involved so many people and one based in love.   The truth is that Tessa has been sooo loved.  She was so loved that she was given a different life.  It was that love in Ethiopia that began her journey to us and our love that began our journey to her.  That is love, not luck.  Only something greater than all of us could bring Tessa into the world and into our family forever.  Only God.  That is not luck.

  Now for the questions:  "What happened to her real mother?", "Do you know anything about her birth family?"  "Is your husband black or is she adopted?" , "Did you meet her mother?", "Do you wonder what her birth parents look like?"   So much curiosity coming at us.

 You can almost see the curiosity in people's eyes, what they are wondering.  I understand it, it is human and natural.  But I find it is so interesting that so many people can't help themselves and ask the most personal questions.  Actually, it is invasive.  It is almost as if because we are very visible as an inter-racial adoptive family that strangers give themselves permission to indulge their curiosity and ask the most personal questions.   When I was asked "What happened to her real mother", I was surprised and gave a generic response "Well, her birth mother was unable to care for her.   My response was meant to re-language her comment of "real mother" and also give an answer that doesn't disclose personal information.  It was the best I could do in the moment, but perhaps it is just the most I can give.  It is Tessa's story and it is not available for other's curiosity.

Now that I am an adoptive mother am I obligated to share my most intimate stories and feelings with a curious stranger?  Am I obligated to try an educate people about the most basic adoption language?  Teach them boundaries?  I know the answers to these questions, but this experience certainly does make you question yourself.

Last week a stranger was told in front of me that Tessa had just come home from Ethiopia by my son's teacher.  I was fine with that, not feeling defensive and instead relishing in Tessa.  The stranger immediately asked with Disneyland type excitement "What is is like THERE?"   The enthusiasm in her voice caught me very off guard.  I responded with confusion to her enthusiasm "What do you mean?"  The stranger responded with her continued excitement "Do you need shots to go there?  It just sounds so exotic!"  I was so surprised and immediately felt defensive of my daughter's country, a country I love, and this woman's complete ignorance.  I said very directly, "Ethiopia is a very beautiful country.  But it is a country with extreme poverty and famine and desperation."  She responds cheerfully, "Oh, so, they aren't exaggerating about what you see on t.v.?"  Now I am dumb-founded.  I responded plainly with a blank face "NO".  End of conversation.

I shouldn't be so surprised, but I am.  I know that I have more knowledge about Ethiopia and Africia than the average person because of my interest and experiences.  Perhaps it is just discouraging to see such lack of awareness.  To witness people be so clueless about something so personal to me.  To see others be so centered here and not look outside their privileged lives here.

The questions, the comments can really feel like an ambush at times.  I know there will be times that I feel like educating someone, there will be times that I don't want to share my feelings and other times that I will.  There will be changes on how I feel about certain questions and comments, but they aren't going to stop. And so, I will take each question and each comment "in" knowing that this is apart of the journey for me and for me to give to Tessa.  I hope to handle the questions and comments with grace knowing that with each comment and each question that I am ultimately going to be preparing Tessa to have boundaries, to respond with grace and to be secure in her story and centered in what she knows for sure about herself and our family.

What is right.

I have always thought of myself as a "glass is half full" kind of person. Perhaps I am most of the time, but I think sometimes when I feel stressed I start to lose sight of that half full glass. This is precisely when I start feeling like I am sinking in that glass that my perspective changes. I feel negative, tired, anxious and tend to focus on what is wrong in my world. Obviously, during this transition in our family there is stress and I am trying to juggle many, many things. All by choice, but stressful none the less. So, while I didn't realize it I was seeing things a bit too half empty.

An ever insightful and wise soul friend, Margo, so kindly pointed out to me that perhaps I should look for "what is right".

Instead of feeling frustrated by, disappointed in or overwhelmed by what is wrong. This simple and yet powerful suggestion really flipped the switch in me! What is right...what is right...what is right! Gosh, there are soooo many things that are right! It is so much more pleasant and enjoyable to focus on what is right in my life.

So here goes.

Me focusing on....what is right, right now in this moment.

* Our sweet girl, home at last and happily napping in her crib

* My healthy babies, full of laughter, love and smiles

* A safe, warm, beautiful home to embrace our family

* Amazing friends and family supporting us....calling us, emailing us, visiting us

* Dinner is being delivered to my house every Monday and Thursday. Tonight is carmel french toast. Yummy.

* Andy has taken a half day off to be with us. yeh! He is wonderful

in so many ways.

* Our silly dog...he makes me laugh and always wants to snuggle

* It feels like spring! I can see the daffodils starting to peek up!

* The sun is out and that always lifts me up!

* There is mint chocolate chip ice cream in my freezer and I am not sharing

* My new diaper bag...it is fantastic, cute and will keep me organized

* Cecil, our old cat just rubbed my neck....looking for love.

* Tessa's curly, soft hair next to my cheek. Her little body in my arms. Her funny sounds and smile that lights up a room.

* I am surrounded by love, love, love. I know it and I feel it.

There are so many things going right.....I am staying on the "right" path.

The new normal

It has been a week at home tonight. Being at home with the kids in our space has been wonderful. But we are trying to find the new normal....I am trying to find it. It is taking a little time, which I think is understandable and not unlike the first days after bringing a baby home after birth. Thank goodness Nana and Pops have been here to catch us during the rough moments. The moments when the little people are testing me....every part of me.

This week I have relished in having extra hands and assistance around every corner. I have been just plain spoiled by it. We have had Nana & Pops here for a whole week...and I may not let them leave. They have really been helping us transition. Making sure everyone, including me were getting their needs met. How amazing are my parents! Thank you Mom and Dad, I love you so.

We have been surrounded by love. Friends visiting and showering us with love. Dinners at our door. Play dates and a sleepover for the boys. All the love coming our way is amazing. This community we live in is one in which people reach out, they celebrate with you and want to help support you as a family for the long haul. I love it and know that this small town, while not perfect, certainly has perfection because of the people in it and in our lives.

Next week I will "be on my own". I know I will be fine. I just need to dive into the routine, figure out the kinks....make sure I am up early in the morning to get ahead of the rush, have a routine after school to handle homework and dinner. The new normal will feel normal eventually. In the meantime, I just really want to soak up this very special time and getting to know Tessa. I want to try and brush away the chaos when it creeps up and then remind myself "when someone is their least lovable they need love the most". We will push through and get on the other side to the new normal.

Have you seen our beautiful sweet girl today? My gosh, she amazes us all. She seems like she is adjusting to all of us beautifully. She seems comfortable, happy, secure. Her eyes and smile tell me she knows I am her Mama. The boys make her so happy. Tessa loves to watch the boys and loves it when they play with her. Tessa is such a joy. Is this really happening? Sometimes I can hardly believe it. You know life is good when you have to pinch yourself....even in the chaos of it all!

Growing Pains

Today the growing pains in our family felt really real. It wouldn't be honest to sugar coat this experience, I haven't before and I am not going to start now. Even though a part of me wishes there wasn't anything to sugar coat. Like any major change in a family, we are feeling the effects of our family's growing pains. That feels like the best description for all of us.

Andy is back at work and very busy. He has a lot to catch up on after being gone for over a week. His work is so demanding and yet he is also trying to be as present as he can here at home. The boys are all showing different effects of our long absence and our new addition. It seems like whatever negative behavior was present before has been magnified 10 fold! Jack Jack is still strong-willed 3 year old. He is now the big brother, but at moments would like to be the baby at times. One moment he is being a big boy, and proud of his new status as big brother and then next he is sucking his thumb and holding a blanket....like Tessa. This seems normal enough to me. Judson and Drew are both so excited about Tessa being home, but I think it was hard for us to come home and have another child to focus on. They are all craving attention and at times are seeking it through negative means. Tessa is doing really well. I think she has an amazing ability to take all of this in and still seem happy. Gosh, I hope she is.

This morning was sooooo hard. It was one of those awful Mommy mornings. I just didn't have any tools left to use in my Mommy tool box when all the kids around me both needed me and were defying me. My saving grace right now during this transition is that I have my parents visiting...more like rescuing us from eachother. Their presence is giving me the time and space to figure this transition out....it isn't an easy one. We will get there, but it is going to take some time.

There are moments when my worst fears creep up on me. Is Tessa o.k. with everything here and who we are? Will she love me? Am I hurting my boys? What did I do? I can answer each one of these questions in different ways depending on the moment. This really isn't unlike moments in the past when we brought home a new baby, but this time the kids are older, more complicated and there are just more of them.

I am exhausted. I am grateful. I am trying to stay afloat. I will stay afloat. But it isn't without support from my family, my friends helping me find the new normal. I know the new normal has the potential to be amazing....this is everything we have worked so hard for and hope for. It is just going to take some time, love and extra patience.

The facts and what I must do.

It has been incredibly difficult these days trying to reconcile the facts that are preventing us from bringing sweet Tirunesh home.  The facts are.....we still do not have a court date.  (Even through people who received a referral after us do). Our delay in receiving a court date is due to some details in the referral that need to be worked out.  This means the paperwork had to go back to Irco, the region where T is from, to be resolved.  This takes "time".  And from what I can tell that is not US time, but Ethiopian time, which seems to mean they will get to it when they get to it.  Nothing can be definite on time.  So, we wait for a court date in Irco for the paperwork issue.  Then we wait for the BIG court date when we become T's parents.  Then after the judge says "yes" you are Ts parents legally we get to schedule travel 6-8 weeks later.  With the month long court closure in September, it could be winter by the time we travel.   Those are the facts.

There are more facts...That I know very little about our sweet girl. I have T's weight and height measurements given every 2 weeks.  She is small, but growing slowly.  She is crawling, playing with toys and feeding herself.  But the fact remains that I don't know what T's smile looks like, what her laugh sounds like, which toy she loves the most, who she is the most attached to, how she is sleeping, what her favorite foods are, and what she is feeling.  I could go on.

The other fact in this situation is that I can choose how to handle these facts.  It is often very difficult to reconcile.  I feel angry and sad that we are missing time with T.  The fact is I must trust the T is getting everything she needs.  I pray all her needs are being met and that someone is making her feel special and loved like we would.  The fact is I can't make this time go any faster, I can't persuade anyone to get us a court date, and I can't do anything to really know T right now.  

The fact is I must surrender to the facts.  I must trust the universe's plan.  I must maintain hope for the best possible outcome, while also knowing I have done as much as possible.  I must believe in God's divine intervention in this whole process.  I must....

I must be the best Mom I can be to the children right here in my home.  I must be ever present in my marriage.  I must do what I need to do to take care of myself to get through this time.  I must see the big picture...that one day Tirunesh will be home with us, that we will be able to nurture her and love her and spend the rest of our lives continuing this pursuit.  Those are the facts...and what I must do.