$ a tough question $

This post makes me very uncomfortable.....it really, really does.  Especially with what is going on in my mind as our daughter's homeland is stricken by famine.  It is impossible to reconcile.   But I want to write about this question my son posed because it makes me think about how to handle our extreme fortune respectfully and consciously.  So, my middle son, Drew, asked me very innocently, from an 8 year old's mind and perspective.  He just wanted to know....

"Are we rich?"  

When he asked this question I felt immediately uncomfortable and unsure of how to answer.  I mean the fact that he is asking that question speaks volumes.   He is aware and wanting to make sense of this world, especially as we are often talking about the crisis in the horn of Africa and in relation to Tessa's homeland.  

So, then the question for me is how do I answer it so he is aware of his many blessings, our many, many life blessings.  How do I answer it honestly in a very real realistic material sense.  How do I make sure he can handle the answer and be sensitive and respectful?  And how do I answer it from a broader life and world perspective?   I knew I wanted to be able to answer this questions in a way that addresses what we ourselves were born into (middle class families in the USA) as well as what we have worked hard to create.

I stumbled...I wasn't particularily eloquent.  This is basically how I answered this 8 year old's  question...

"Drew, we have sooooo much.  We don't have to worry about food, where to live.   Many people worry about their next meal here and all over the world.  Daddy works so very hard to make money for our family to live.  He went to school for a long time to be able to be a Dr. to help people, and he is paid well for how hard he works.  I am able to not have to work anymore because of this and be able to be home full time with you.  There are lots of people who don't have enough food, or clothes or a home all around the world and right here where we live in Monroe.  Does that make sense?".   He answered yes and seemd to understand, but I realize this is a message that will need to be reinforced over the years.

The truth is we have so much and it makes me uncomfortable at times.  I do love our life.  I love our beautiful home and being able to give our children so many opportunities.  I am keenly aware that our life isn't made of up the things and luxuries we have, but I do enjoy them.  Sometimes there is that guilt for having so much when you see suffering, here or anywhere.   Of course we are talking a lot in our house about the crisis in the horn of Africa.  Thinking about a place we love, our daughters homeland, her birth family....we pray and hope and do what we can from here.   I  want to  focus on how we live our lives.  What we do with our lives, how we live in this world.  

Money is so uncomfortable to talk about, isn't it?  But I think our kids need an honest answer, how else do you learn about the world?   (Is this making you uncomfortable yet?)

I want to get better at talking about it with my kids.  I don't want money to be a secret or a mysterious thing.  And I don't want them to see "rich" in a one dimensional way.  I want them to see the riches of their lives honestly.  They swim in a pool in their yard.  They have traveled and played around the country and world.  They ride on a jet-ski and boat.  This is in a very material sense.  But I also hope their lives are rich in love,  in family, in friendship, opportunity, education and filling their minds and all the basics...a home, water, food.

This is my kids frame of reference....they have A LOT and need for nothing.  Of course, I wouldn't want it any different, but with this comes a responsibility to make sure they appreciate their lives, to see it honestly and give back in their own way.   And I am very aware that when you have all of your needs met and beyond you need to be grateful and use your life to the best of your ability.
"To whom much is given much is required"

So this simple question, "are we rich?"....stirred up a lot in me.  It made me uncomfortable....and usually when something makes you feel that way you know you should look at it!
But I see that despite my discomfort my little guy is just trying to figure out the world, his place in it and I am here to help guide in that process.  Raising children who live in this world with integrity, honesty.   I want them to understand the many priviledges that they were born into, given.  I want them to have gratitude, to live gratiously and within a larger world perspective.

The answer is yes.....yes we are.  We are so very rich.  Our lives are rich in love, in water and food, in community, in education, in friendship, in family......   

last sign of babyhood...gone

 My baby Jack, isn't a baby anymore.  He is 4.  And whenever I call him "baby" he will promptly tell me, "Mama, I not a baby!".   O.K.  O.K.
So, this weekend while my sister was visiting she gave everyone a haircut.  Juddy didn't want a haircut as he is "growing" his hair out to look cool.  But he did get a trim.  Drew enjoys having a "do" and got a "mohawk", aka spiky hair.  

Jack was after Drew.  I thought for sure I would have to wrestle him to get his hair trimmed.  TRIMMED.  I love it so long, curly and have always resisted getting the boys hair cut because they immediately look years older.  I can't help it.  When Jack ran in and said "I want a Mohawk like Drew!"  I said, "What?" in a sad, dismayed voice.  Andy and Krissy were all for it and with good reason.  He looked like a mop-head most the time and wouldn't let me comb it.   But despite good reason, I was hesitating, "Jack, are you sure?"    But really I was feeling like I wasn't sure.   But he was absolutely certain.  My heart hurt....my baby's hair.  It was the last sign of his babyhood!

So here is the progression of Jack's entry into being a BIG BOY forever. 

sniff, sniff.

Jack loves his "mohawk".  HE LOVES IT!  

He is touching it and making sure it is standing up on top.

He loves being a big boy and having hair that is big boy hair.   The new hair cut fits him in every way.

And of course, I saved a lock of hair, that last sign of babyhood.

express lane= stranger safety

Beware of the express lane at Walmart.  It meant a wake up call for me and a good talk about stranger safety....here goes-

I had ventured to Walmart with all three boys last weekend.  Not sure why I would do such a thing when Andy was home....sometimes I do need my head checked.  But they had been cooped up on a cold day. So, a Walmart outing seemed harmless.

We had a cart FULL.  As always happens.  That is when the manager eagerly encouraged me to just go ahead and use the empty "Express Lane".  Even though I clearly had a cart full....over the 15 item limit.  The clerk was fine with it to.  So, of course I was on a mission to get the heck out of Walmart asap.

As I unloaded the cart JackJack ran across the way to the evil arcade area.  I could see him, he didn't have coins but was happily pretending he was playing games.  So I continued to unload.  Right about then 2 more customers show up at Express check out with there handful of items.  Yep, I was the jerk in express check-out!  They didn't get to see the manager eagerly encourage me into the express lane.  There was some eye-rolling and huffing at me.  So, I pick up the unloading pace.  Jud and Drew needed to spend their coins on their little items and so I sent them to the back of the line, in an attempt to be courteous.

Just then as I am being handed the receipt I hear over the loud speaker "Will Jack's Mom please come to customer service".   That's me!   I look over at the arcade....no Jack.  People are looking at the crazy lady running to customer service.

There is my sad, scared little guy.  "Mama, I got scared.  I didn't know where you were".  Oh, Jack, honey!   While I am on the floor giving him big hugs, I am also explaining myself to customer service.  I could see him in the arcade, but obviously I was distracted with the express lane checkout when he walked out and didn't see me.  A couple saw he was scared.  He didn't want to talk to a "don't know", they said he was afraid to talk to them or go with them, but did agree to go find someone who worked at Walmart to find Mom.

("The Safe Side" is our favorite video about stranger safety, that is where the "don't know" speak comes from.  www.thesafeside.com   I really can't say enough about this video...my kids actually like watching it and it is a FANTASTIC way to talk about stranger safety....check it out at the library or just order it and watch it a 100 times like us.  created by John Walsh and the creator of baby Einstein, Julie Clark   Click this link:    The Safe Side)



Of course, my mind went to all sorts of places.  What if it hadn't been a nice, harmless couple helping Jack? What if there had been a predator there when Jack was so vulnerable without me?   Would he have been strong enough to refuse to leave the building with someone?  I can't know for sure, but it certainly brings up the need to have more conversations and reinforce what he did to stay safe.
 I felt like the- worst. mama. ever.   Not earning any Parent of the Year award here!

So, I take Jack back with me to get the unsupervised big boys at the express lane.  Jud had checked out with his small toy and said a guy behind him had to give him a quarter to be able to pay because he didn't have enough money!  geez.....    All the while Drew is standing there with a bag of coins.  Then of course, I see Drew is trying to check out with several items and his bag of coins.  The clerk hands him a pack of gum and says "you do have enough for this".  I didn't look behind us in the line, but I am pretty sure there was more huffing and eye-rolling.

(this is Jack, Jack with his usually cheerful, silly face)

Good grief.           Moral....even when invited, be leery of the express lane at Walmart, its just trouble for an overwhelmed Mama and will lead to losing children without knowing it, eye-rolling, huffing and puffing.

And....get the Safe Side video.  Talk to your kids about "Don't Knows" and who their safe people are.   You just never know.  Wake up call complete.

Santa tool

Sometimes I like to think of myself as a Mom with a tool belt full of parenting techniques.  That is not to say it is a perfect tool belt....far from it.   But I am a visual person and this helps me feel like I have options.   This tool belt has everything in it from "parenting with Love and Logic", aka... "oh, oh....that is so sad".  Then there is the distraction method tool often used with toddlers.  The tool of giving choices.   Then I have my bribery tool....often used at the grocery store with donut holes.  There is the threatening tool, "I am taking t.v./wii away if you don't ____".   Then the classic, "I am counting to 10, or 5, or 3, depending on my patience level.  Lastly, there is the raising my voice and feeling like a crazy Mom tool.....often ineffective, but sometimes it is all I have left.

And so since we are in full anticipation of Christmas (2 days and counting) I have pulled out my seasonal tool...Santa.  At times the kids winter angst, sugar high and santa anticipation can present itself as very naughty behavior.  Santa does not like to see this.   Of course,  this is when I pull out the very effective Santa tool.  I remind all the little people (who all believe) that Santa is watching.   Specifically, I say in a very concerned voice, "You know, Santa knows that you are acting naughty.  I don't think I would do that if I were you."  And somehow they pull themselves together.  Very effective in the months of November and December.  I highly recommend it.

 I'll use whatever tool I have, and right now it is the Santa tool for 2 more days!

the question

2 weeks ago my son, Judson, the "thinker and questioner" asked me

"So Mom, when are you going to get a real job?"

The question came out of nowhere for me.  But, knowing Judson, I bet he has been wondering this for a while.  Comparing my life with other people, other Moms.  Judson doesn't remember the years when he was so small that I HAD to work outside the home. He doesn't remember bring up at 5:30 a.m. to breastfeed him, get ready, get him ready, 45 minute commute one way, drop-off at daycare all to be at the middle school by 7:30.  To which, there were so many mornings I had a crisis waiting for me at my office door.  Back then Andy was in his residency years and cutting back on my hours as a social worker wasn't even an option.  I carried the weight of the health insurance and much needed income.  Of course, this is the story for many, many people, not new at all.

 I found myself in a new position... wanting to explain myself to him.  It was the first time I wanted Judson to be PROUD of me and it was for something exterior.

When you think about it, his frame of reference is that his dad is a doctor, a profession that is greatly respected and admired.  In our culture people are impressed when they hear that....that is just a fact.  They aren't impressed when you say your Mom is.....a Mom.  When your Mom doesn't have a "real job".  It is so very much apart of our culture to place value on people in that way, and it starts young without this Mom even really being aware of it until he posed the question.

There was a time I wanted so badly to be a social worker.  To help others help themselves.  My ultimate dream job was to be a school social worker.  I worked so very hard to finish my Master's in Social Work and find a job as a school social worker.   However, after Judson was born I wanted none of it.  Going back to work when Judson was 12 weeks old felt like torture to me.  I hated everything about it.  It was a real emotional struggle to hand Judson over to the daycare caregiver.  Would they know his needs, his cries...and they couldn't nurse him.  To top it off they also dumped out bottles of my milk that first week because it had separated in the fridge.  That hit me so hard.  All that liquid gold and time pumping, preparing for my child to be thrown away from me down the drain.  It hit me hard back then.  I can still feel it.  That is when I really knew where I wanted to be.

Eventually, the day came when I was able to say good-bye to working as a social worker. I was so ready to say good-bye.  While I know I was a great social worker and I did help many students and families during those early years of motherhood, it wasn't what my heart and soul desired any longer.  When "we" finally finished residency years, it was a relief to be able to focus on motherhood, especially with the demands of Andy's career.

There are days I miss the pay check in my name, the reward of completion of a task or seeing a student or family create positive change in their lives.  At times I miss feeling like a professional....to think people actually use to listen to my opinions, they wanted to know what I thought about a student, family situation or crisis.  But it is also that very pressure that I am glad to let go of.

My kids may not always listen, and they may not think I know anything about anything outside of motherhood right now....but I know I do.  I know that I am planting seeds, nurturing them like no one else can and managing the everyday lives of our family because I want to.  Right now that is exactly where I am, where I want to be "real job or not"  it is the most important role I will ever have.  This also made me wonder is it a job only if you are paid for it?  I don't know that that is true....I think the definition of job is dedicating yourself to a passion, a calling, but it can also be dedicating yourself to a task to be able to support yourself.  Perhaps there are many ways to define it, but in my mind it is something you are responsible for, you hopefully love and need to do for whatever emotional or physical reason.  Ultimately, having the choice to be a stay-at-home mother is one of the gifts in my life I am most grateful for.  That choice alone, which isn't for everyone.  It is is a privilege to be able to be a Mom, to guide a soul through this world, whether you work outside the home or not...it is the REALEST most important job in the world.

So, how did I answer Judson's question, "So Mom, when are you going to get a real job?"
me answering in paraphrase-
"A real job?   (with a surprised giggle)  Well, I do have a job, it is the most important job in the world.  Taking care of all of you, feeding you, teaching you right and wrong.... all the things I do.  I am not paid for it, but it is what I want to be doing.   I use to work as a school social worker (and explained that role a bit) before you were born and when you were little...but now Daddy is able to make enough money so I don't have to and can be a full-time Mommy.  Isn't that lucky?"

Judson, "Yep.   When is the pizza getting here?"

Here is my little questioner....Judson-you always get me thinking.

 How I love you and all of your many, many questions!

3 months....

3 months....into our new life as a family.  3 months since we arrived home with sweet Tessa.  3 months of me trying to find the "new normal", juggling 4 little ones.  3 months....

How these 3 months have passed so quickly and with so much intensity.  I feel like I haven't been able to fully document it all, but I suppose that is the nature of real life when you are fully immersed in it.  What I can tell you is that it has been full of highs and lows.  Moments of insecurity as a mother when I wasn't sure Tessa was bonding.  Insecurity I have never experienced before, but I think is normal in this experience.  There have been moments of chaos....true and utter chaos. And then there have been moments of beautiful joy and love.

The truth is that it all takes time to find your way.  Isn't that true of any parenting experience?  And adoption is certainly no exception.  Bonding is truly a process, one that takes patience, time and nurturing.  Which is precisely why it is so unique and special.  The signs of bonding are there all the time now....and I feel a sense of relief.

3 months home....3 months of being Tessa's forever Mommy, 3 months of our family complete and moving into our future together.