snow wonder

This is the first real snow of the year....it is magical.

Tessa has already snuck out the door to touch the snow at least 4 times and it is only 8:15 a.m.!   

We will be getting out there to play today, but couldn't resist sharing these photos of our sweet girl in wonder of the snow.

referral anniversary

September 11th....it is the date that sits in many hearts for many reasons.  And while we will never forget the sadness of this day, we also hold this day in our hearts with joy as the anniversary of our sweet girl's referral.

Tessa...

It was 2 years ago today that the hope in our hearts became reality.... you came into our lives.   It was the day that we saw your sweet face for the very first time on our computer screen.   It was the day we heard your sweet name, Tesfanesh, for the first time, and learned it means "you are hope".   We were in awe.   

The journey to you was long, and had unexpected turns and yet it was right where we were all suppose to be.   In that moment it was clear we were always on our way to you.

In two years we have come so far....and it yet it feels like we have been here forever.   

2 years ago that space in our hearts was full....full of the knowledge of you, full of joy.

YoGabbaGabba love....

Tessa is a "Yo Gabba Gabba" girl....she loves. that. show.  LOVES.  

That expression says it all!  And you can see she is saying "Yoooo Gabba Gabba!"

For her 2nd birthday Tessa received the ultimate in Yo Gabba Gabba merchandise.  

There is the Yo Gabba Gabba boom box!  

I am afraid nothing else existed or mattered after this gift!

Below is Tessa sporting her D.J. Lance wears-(a fab gift from Omie & Opie)! 

 I mean it is fuzzy and bright orange and plays music and games when you push the star!   

Why wouldn't one want to wear it?!

Tessa totally digs DJ Lance....

 And then from Mommy and Daddy... a Brobee costume!  Perfect for when you want to jam out and dance like Brobee.  And the perfect costume for Halloween!  Mommy is always thinking!  
Our sweet girl is 2....she loves Yo Gabba Gabba, but I think she loves the fun of it, the colors, the music and dancing.  It is just plain fun for a 2 year old!

If you have a 2 year old.....and aren't opposed to a half an hour of t.v. good music, dancing and funny characters with funny names...then I highly recommend Yo Gabba Gabba.    We have it recording on our DVR so there is always a show there when she needs a break or when I do.  Just being honest.  Sometimes I love Yo Gabba Gabba because I get 30 minutes of Tessa being still and happy so I can do stuff like this. There is something to it....  there is some serious Yo Gabba Gabba love in our home!

green...paper mama photo challenge

Since I am recuperating in bed....I am admiring the beautiful greenery outside my window.
I decided to take part in the Paper Mama's photo challenge: Green

Little Miss Tessa.....romping around in the yard.  how I love this shot!

bright and vivid: i heart faces

Bright and Vivid: Photo Challenge

This shot of the little Miss just cracks me up....

can't you just see that she is almost 2?   can't you just feel her frustration with her Mama?

I think it is bright and vivid...both in color and feeling!  

connecting....to the hope

testing, testing.....1,2,3.....testing.

There have been many moments in the last year that I deeply wished we could do a quick and simple test on our connection, our attachment with our daughter.   Then, maybe, I would have the answers I so dearly desired.  Is she feeling secure and cared for?  Does she know I am her Mom...forever?  Does she trust us?  And then the big one....does she love me?


But the truth is that I do have a lot of that information, it is just hard to see it clearly sometimes.  Hard to feel it and to trust this process when I feel rejected, hurt and confused by her and our attachment, or connection.

The fact that Tessa was well cared for and loved by nannies (for nearly 8 months) in her ET care center leaves many with the impression that she should have come out of that situation unscathed.   She was healthy, clean and seemed happy, she was clearly adored by the nannies.  But it was a care center, an orphanage, and that can in no way replace being with a family, with a parent, a mother or father loving you day in and day out.

A year ago we were in Ethiopia getting to know our sweet girl.  A year later, here is what I do and don't know about Tessa's early months and making connections, and where we are today.

I don't have any idea how many times she cried and couldn't be soothed.
I do know that she when we met her she sucked her thumb fiercely and constantly...still does when tired.

I don't know how many times she cried and could not be picked up, how many hours she laid in a crib.
I do know she routinely lays in her crib, goes to sleep and wakes without crying as if it is second nature. *full disclosure*  I love that she is so incredibly easy to lay down, it makes my life easier.  I never had that with my birth children, but I realize this sleep training wasn't exactly from an ideal situation.

I don't know for sure how being held outward and given her milk by cup affected her.
I do know that she loved a bottle the first time I gave it to her in Ethiopia.
I do know that she wouldn't make eye contact with me and that my instincts told me to make sure we made this eye contact.  I fed her right at my chest, held inward and if she broke eye contact I would pull the bottle up gently from her mouth and give it back as soon as we met eyes again....it felt right.

I don't know how much she played or how much playtime she would have been able to have with a nanny.
I do know she had no idea how to play when we got home (at 8 months).
I do know that it seemed like she didn't know how to "laugh"....and in time she learned.

I don't know if she was particularily attached to any one nanny.
I do know that after we arrived home, I was a nanny in her eyes for a long time....
I could feel it and see it.  When I realized she saw me as another nanny it did hurt but I also understood it.

Today, in this moment, it is crystal clear to me that this is all about Tessa's pain.  The grief, while it may be subconscious, it remains.  There had to be such loss before Tessa could become apart of our family.  And while Tessa was far too young to understand or remember it, her experience remains.  As humans we are innately wired to seek connection, to seek a caregiver to bond with, to survive.  To make eye contact, to feel secure and soothed by another, to have all of our needs met.  And the truth is that was impossible for our sweet girl in her early months.  So, I feel when that bond and security doesn't happen naturally early on in life, what remains is a wound of the soul.

I most need to remind myself of this soul wound when Tessa overtly rejects my love.  When she is hurt and needs comfort, but reaches for another.  When she won't let me soothe her.  It is in these moments she is showing me her soul wound.  She needs us to really "see" her and the information that she is able to give.

There are is also the signs that her soul wound is healing.  {we are healing, we are healing.}  I see the healing in the moments she laughs; when she makes a little expression just for me to see;  when we snuggle, sing and rock in our chair; when she says "Mama, hold me" and reaches up with those sweet little hands.   When the soul wound resurfaces I need to remember the journey, why it is here, what we are all suppose to be learning from it.

Through all of the ups and downs in this adoption journey (and there have been many), the journey has always been about hope.  Even Tessa's name is derived from her Ethiopian name, Tesfanesh, literally meaning "you are hope".  I do hope and believe that the soul wound will heal.   And I know that we are healing that soul wound everyday...I am staying with the hope.

testing, testing .......1,2,3.........connecting to the hope.

**Claudia over at my--fascinating--life.blogspot.com is holding a blog symposium on attachment.  be sure to stop over and check out all the links...people sharing about this most personal and important topic!

one year ago-

one year ago-
you were smiling for and  being held by your nannies.
we were packing, organizing and ready to jump on a plane to Ethiopia to meet you
you had no idea your forever family was coming to you to bring you home
we knew you only known through reports and photos
you had never drank from a bottle and looked in our eyes.  you drank from a cup, held outward
we had never counted your little toes
you had only ever known a nursery with many babies and loving nannies
we had only ever known life with 3 little boys
you had your thumb to comfort you
we had a blanket to give you
you had not yet felt our love
we loved you already
one year ago the anticipation was so wonderful, so intense.
We couldn't wait to hold you in our arms at last and forever.
one year ago, sweet girl and now look at you!

And while I am sharing this "colorful" photo....I can't help but want to enter it in 

Faith-Simplicity photography challenge

red...

Red... i heart faces challenge

This shot of our sweet girl from last summer....she was turning one and just about to walk, 

which as you can see she was excited about!   

I bought this outfit from the GAP's product

RED campaign (RED) raising $$ for the Global Fund to elimate AIDS in Africa 

This outfit sat in her dresser long before she came home from Ethiopia (almost a year ago now!).  

Here RED signifies hope for Africa...

best face in January

i heart faces- best face of January

this is our sweet girl.   she also been known as our little 18 month old "sassafras".  She is sweet....and sassy.  
it is difficult to catch a shot of her these days.  She is far too busy tearing the house apart in her tornado like fashion.    But here I cornered her between the window and the armoire door....she had nothing else to do but look into my lens and show us her ultra cuteness....and crumbs on her shirt. 




And while I am at it....this is going in to "Project 64" robin egg blue photo contest too....can't resist with that pop of robin's egg blue in Tessa's bow!

twisted sister

For any little girl, it feels like having your "hair done" for the first time is a rite of passage.  And as an African American girl this may come a lot younger than say for me as a little girl, based simply on our different hair needs.   As a white Mom, I have been working so  very hard everyday to make sure I am doing Tessa's hair justice.  I have researched and tried a myriad (aka. drawer full) of hair products.  Our current favorite is "Carol's Daughter".   I have been making sure that each day I get through the curls and get out knots with hair milk and my fingers.  We deep condition regularly...conditioning seems to be key.  And then the fun part that I love is putting her hair into little bows and puffs.  But that is where my expertise ends. 

One little brag to share:  I did receive an amazing compliment from my African-American OB/GYN.  It was the first time I had ever seen her last month and I had to bring Tessa with me.  The first thing she said to me was "You are doing a great job with her hair".   Not, how are you feeling or what brings you in today?  It was "you are doing  great job with her hair".   Case in point- Hair is very important in the black community, white people don't know about black hair needs and don't get it until they need to. 

I felt so happy that a black woman noticed and validated my efforts.  It was huge for me to know I was on the right track.

O.K.  So,  this past weekend everyone sat in the "hair chair" weekend while my sister, Krissy, was visiting.  This is where I had my own rite of passage.  Krissy was able to give me a lesson on twisting Tessa's hair into adorable twists!

Here, Krissy looks a little "twisted" herself as she is getting through Tessa's hair.

Tessa's hair in full fro state.  Notice the tear stained cheek.  ahh...

 Lollipops make having your hair done a much more pleasant experience.  2 lollipops are best.

I think I have the hair twist down.  It is a little tricky.  

Sectioning the hair off is important to make it nice and neat.  

Krissy gave me a great hands on lesson.

Here Tessa sees her hair in twists for the first time.  

I am loving these twists!  

Thanks to my twisted sister!  I love you!

paper mama photo challenge: sparkly!

the paper mama photo challenge: Sparkly!

Well, you know I love a photo challenge.  Another one for today from "Paper Mama".  And only one photo comes to mind.  I found this chandelier long before Tessa came home, and I love that she loves it and the way it sparkles in her room!

Check out the paper mama....and her total awesomeness!

i heart faces- best face of 2010

Please vote for my photo by clicking this link here:
 i heart faces- best face of 2010 photo contest
Photo #187!!!  Thank you!!!


I don't know about you, but choosing the best face of 2010 is truly a challenge!  



But here goes....(drum roll) it is our sweet girl!  Not a big surprise, as this face had more face time with my camera than any other in the past year!  2010 was a big year for our family and for this sweet face, and here is why.


-saw that sweet face for the first time in her referral photo (she was 10 weeks old)
- studied her sweet face in the social report from the care center
-kissed her sweet face for the first time on Feb 26th, 2010
- wiped tears away on this sweet face and later saw her first smile for us at the care center
    in Ethiopia
- and over time saw this sweet face go from uncertainty to the smile below...connected, loved, secure

And as I type this, that sweet face is sitting next to me singing her rendition of 

"Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me".....   

But I think her sweet face is shining on all of us right now.

-

love at first sight.....it's a Christmas Pyramid

Ah, love at first sight.  The Christmas pyramid.  This is on Jeni's list of favorite things!  For the full effect you need to see the way it glows, how the heat of the flames push the fan blades so the angels fly and the bells ring so softly.   

We purchased this in Germany during the Christmas we lived in Strasbourg, France.  It is one of the best purchases from our year abroad because it brings me back there for a moment and makes every Christmas feel extra special.

How sweet is this.  Tessa and Drew glowing in the holiday light. 

Drew is telling Tessa about how the Christmas pyramid works and then blowing out the candles.

Notice there are 4 angels.

I think it is love at first sight for her too.

smile....

Periodically I just smile.  I just have a whole lot in life to smile about.  

While we were in Ethiopia these smiles really filled me up 

and thought they might make you smile as well.

Smile at a stranger in a bus

smile for no apparent reason as you walk down the street...

Smile...because your Mommy is standing above you acting like a fool in love and

 trying to take a photo of that sweet face.

Smile.

;)

ET girl meets MN snow

After a 5 hour drive we arrive to Minnesota to be greeted with winter....and snow for Thanksgiving.  Here, our little Ethiopian girl meets Minnesota snow.  Though for now, it is through Nana and Pops' big window.  Actually getting bundled up and getting out there and experiencing snow photos to come.

Full circle moment

Tessa caught me off guard yesterday while we were in the art studio.  I was working on a new piece specifically for a silent auction benefiting Seeds of Africa (whom work in Ethiopia!).  There she was....admiring the "Message from Swaziland" series.  The paintings are right at her level (because of the angle of my studio wall space), which really seems perfect now that I think about it.  

There she was looking into the eyes of the children that had touched me so deeply in Swaziland.  I can remember clearly while in Swaziland that when I looked into the eyes of those beautiful children that I was thinking of our daughter who was on her way to us.  I had so many questions...had she even been conceived?  Was her birth family living in similar circumstances to what I was seeing?  I thought about her and asked myself questions that were unanswered around every corner.  I looked into those eyes and wondered....  and now I have the answers.  full circle.  And here I was creating a new piece of art specifically with images of those very eyes I had looked into 2 years ago and at the same time our sweet girl was looking back with wonder and curiosity.  full circle moment.

Here is the piece 

 "See" 

It is loaded with symbols....the postage stamps are a literal symbol of sending you a message "postcard" from Africa.  "See Hope" is scratched in by the butterflies, which have fiddleheads painted on them....my favorite symbol of hope.  (As fiddleheads bloom early in the spring after the winter...I also named my website fiddlehead art for this reason).  Then "see us" is scratched into the boys forehead....and "see Africa" is scratched in next to the antique map of Africa. This piece is all acrylic and mixed media with paper, clay imprints (in the corner) and photo image transfers of the eyes.   

I am so incredibly grateful to be able to create art I love and be able to give back through it.  

Heres hoping it generates some $$$ for Seeds of Africa this weekend!  

8 months & 8 months

8 months in Ethiopia....

Tessa was 8 months old when we brought her home and into our family's life forever.  For 8 months she had a journey without us....there was loss, changes and her ability to thrive in her environment.  We didn't even know of her until she was 10 weeks old.  I wish I had more to give her from those first 8 months.  I do know she was loved and cared for well at the care center.  I also know that in that time she was resilient and left as healthy as possible.  She hadn't bonded to any one person, but she was loved and cared for.

8 months home....she has been loved and care for by us for 8 months.  At first I was a nanny to her.  I am sure of it.  But really, it was her only frame of reference "People care for me, but I don't have one person".  I felt her emotional distance in many ways, it was intense and painful. I was so ready to love her and be loved.  But it was going to take time.   I knew it would be different than my experiences with my birth sons, but you never know what it will feel like until you are in it.  With time, consistency and lots of love, touch and care the bond started.  It grew, and grew.  She began to reach for me, want to be comforted by me.  All beautiful signs of such an important developmental and lifelong skill....attachment.  It is complicated, but aren't all things that are this important!?  Being able to trust, to love and be loved.  We are there now....it is growing everyday.  I still look for the signs that she is giving me that say "I need you" and look for the moments when she seems distant.  Those distant moments seem fewer.

Our sweet girl is growing, changing all too quickly.  Babyhood with Tessa went so fast, she is a full on toddler now who loves to explore.  Actually, that basically all she does when she isn't restrained in a car seat or high chair now that I think about it.  I have emptied drawers to prevent some of her messes and moved dangers out of the way.  She has the most infectious little smile and laugh.  Her beauty is really stunning.  Tessa feels things intensely....yep, she has a temper!   She is a wonderful little soul, who we feel blessed to be guiding in this world.

8 & 8....Tessa, you have been with us now for as long as you we were without you in our arms.  Look how far we have come in just 8!  Here's to a lifetime.  We love you.

pink!

This photo is dedicated to our beloved Omie in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness and all things "pink".  Omie is all things wonderful, including a breast cancer survivor.  She exudes a quiet strength and is a woman I admire and love.  Omie raised 4 boys (including my wonderful husband) who are her greatest testament to her love, patience and kindness.  We are blessed to have her in all of our lives...and are especially grateful she is here to know and love this little bundle of pink!

a year ago...

A year ago...

we received the call that we had the referral for our sweet girl.

we laid our eyes on her beautiful face for the first time.

our hearts over flowed with joy a year ago a world away from our sweet girl.

Tonight....

I sang a song, gave her kisses and rocked her to sleep.  happy. safe. loved.

"aha" moment

So, I recently had a big "aha moment".  One that made so much sense, one that put me at ease and help me understand my sweet girl.  Then and now.

We have now been home with our daughter just over 4 months.  When we came home I felt like Tessa (8 months) was adjusting to our family really well, but was feeling so uneasy about her attachment.  Knowing full well that it would take time, I also felt like something was "off" and I couldn't put my finger on it.  Having had 3 birth children, it was inevitable to compare the process to a certain degree. Maybe not fair, but that can hardly be avoided.  I remembered each of my boys at 8 months, 9 months, 10 months....how they smiled and made gleeful noises, their silly expressions, the eye contact.  What I kept coming back to was Tessa's flat affect, poor eye contact,  inability to laugh out loud and non-reaction to any playful expressions.  I just couldn't make sense of it and then began to wonder- what am I doing wrong?  Does she not like me?  Will she love me?  

  Despite everything I had read, I began to wonder if something was really wrong in her ability to attach....or perhaps there was something I should be doing that I wasn't.  After about the 2 month mark I noticed she was becoming more expressive and needing me more.  Things were improving!  

 With Tessa just celebrating her 1st birthday last week,  I was reflecting on how much she has changed in the past 4 months.   I realized something, which I wish I had understood earlier while in the midst of my anxiety about our bonding process (but perhaps that is why I couldn't).  All of a sudden it dawned on me that while in the care center that Tessa's basic needs were met.  She was fed, diapered, she was very healthy physically and I believe was given love and attention.  But during that process there wasn't time for enough individual interactions at a deeper level.  Of course there wasn't in that setting.  And without that focused individual attention and bonding she was unable to develop the social skills that one might normally acquire during those formative early months (like with my birth sons).  Tessa had no idea what I was doing when I was trying to make her laugh with my expressions.  No idea that I was playing with her.  While Tessa could easily attract a person's attention with her gaze and big beautiful eyes, she may smile at you, but wasn't able to go beyond that.  It is subtle, very subtle.  I am a very sensitive person and keenly aware of expressions, so now as I see Tessa initiate interaction with her silly eyes, her scrunched up nose...I see that she has now learned to connect!  She had to have the individual attention to learn these social skills...social skills aren't  nature, they are nurture. nuture. nurture.

To some this may be a no brainer....for me it really wasn't and I felt a lot of anxiety.  Pricelessly because it is something I care so much about-connecting with my daughter.  Coming home with an infant is different than one born to you.  Right from the beginning a baby is developing their social skills, their ability to connect.   You can't put your hands on it and often can't wrap your head around it, but really isn't that just the most beautiful thing!  The bonding is happening now and I can see it in her eyes at last.

Tonight someone asked to hold Tessa at a store.  Someone she doesn't know.  In the not so distant past she would easily go to anyone without any complaint.  Tonight she complained, hung on tight to me and wouldn't let go.  She wanted her Mama and didn't want to go to a stranger.  aha!