in those eyes

2 years ago...I looked into those eyes, those sad eyes in the referral photo and my heart was broken, I was broken.   We were trying to grieve the loss of Tirunesh, process the facts of her referral, and the injustice that her referral was not valid.  We were trying to reopen our hearts and minds to the idea that she was not our child forever, and we are not her forever family.  Trying to see that our forever daughter was still on her journey to us and us to her.  

It was such a painful, heart wrenching time...I remember feeling so raw, undone, confused and hurt by the unexpected knowledge.   I had truly fallen in love with this child I had never held, only seeing her referral photo, seeing the sadness in her eyes, the confusion on her face in the photo and wanting so badly to comfort her.   She was my daughter in my soul and mind for months and when we were told her referral wasn't valid it was heart-breaking.   

Knowing what I now know, I see that things in Ethiopia are often confused in translation, that is part of what we think happened, but really we don't know for sure.   I believe her "supposed birth father" was protecting someone with his misinformation in the referral.  Whatever his reasons, I believe his misinformation came from a place of love and protection for someone, but that someone is unclear.

And so, Tirunesh had to wait for all of that confusion to be worked out to be placed in a forever home.   

I see know that Tirunesh was a part of the journey to bring Tessa home.  If we hadn't had Tirunesh's referral and we would not have been available to recieve Tessa's referral 2 months later.   I believe the same for Tirunesh's placement in her forever family as well.  She will never know we were apart of her journey, but I know it and pray it worked out beautifully.

As we traveled to Ethiopia 6 months after the heart break I was thinking about Tirunesh and I wondered.    I wondered... if she was at the same care center as Tessa?   Had her relinquishment been finalized so she was able to be adopted?   Had she been referred to her forever family?  Will I recognize her if she is there?   Would I see her?  

When we were at the care center is Addis Ababa I kept my heart open and prayed that I would see Tirunesh and recognize her.   

That prayer was answered.   

On day 2 at the care center I was alone walking up the stairs as I looked into a room full of toddlers happily playing.  I quickly scanned knowing that by then she would have changed dramatically but that Tirunesh would be about that age.  I watched for a moment and had hope.... and then I spotted her.  

There she was!  

She looked right at me and smiled and I knew.  I looked at a nanny and said in a questioning manner, "Tirunesh?" and she nodded yes.   I squatted down, smiled and she came to me.  She came to me and my heart filled with the same love and joy and hope that I felt when we received her referral.   As I held and hugged her for a moment I wanted her to feel that love.  As I  looked in those eyes I saw what felt like some kind of "knowing", or at least that is how it felt.  Perhaps God gave me that feeling to ease the pain of having to put her down and let go forever.

I had studied her referral photo so many times that I would have recognized those beautiful almond shaped eyes anywhere and believe I would still today.   Everything else about Tirunesh had changed.  She was not a frail little one any longer....she was robust, healthy and thriving.  She didn't have the look or face of a sad, confused and deprived infant any longer.  In those eyes I saw that she simply looked healthy, happy. and hopeful.

As I type this I wonder who is looking in those eyes now?  Has she has been home with her forever family for months?  With all the uphevel in Ethiopian adoptions recently I wonder....and am concerned and I want to know if she is o.k. and home with her forever family.  I want to trust that she is and that she has been home for months, perhaps longer.   On this day, 2 years away from the heart-break, my heart is aching with the unknown as I look in those eyes in the referral photo again.  I am trying to accept the unknown and trust this whole journey.  But I know today I will be looking for a sign, for comfort, for the hope...perhaps in those eyes of my sweet girl.

Grief and Hope

To have loved and lost a child I never knew is such a painful experience.  Tirunesh became apart of my heart from the instant I saw her sweet face.  She became apart of our family dialogue every day....where will she eat at the table, where will she sit in the car?  She became apart of our image of our future as a family.  Her name just rolled off our tongues and became the natural and sweet music to our ears.  To say good-bye to those dreams is so painful.

With this grief also comes the realization that we must feel this loss to be able to open our hearts again.  We know that our daughter is still on her journey to us and we can feel the joy and hope in that.  This journey is so much about seeing the hope...there is hope for Tirunesh and for our daughter both.

Adoption Update with a heavy heart

It is with a very heavy heart that I update you on our adoption.  Sadly, Tirunesh's referral is not valid due to problems with the dates and paperwork.  These issues all need to be cleared up by the Ethiopian authorities for her referral to move forward and there is no end in sight for when this may occur.  We have come to a place we never expected to be on this roller coaster of adoption and life.    Because of the fact that Tirunesh's referral is not valid we cannot move forward with her adoption.

 Our hearts are hurting for so many reasons, but mostly because we thought Tirunesh would be our daughter.  We are also trying to take comfort in the fact that Tirunesh is not being hurt by our decision.  She did not know us at all or have any bond to us yet.  She will continue to be cared for and her journey to her future family will continue.  We were of course very attached to this child or the idea of this child in our lives.  It is so strange to have an abstract love for someone you have never met.  Not unlike a miscarriage this feels very much like a loss of the child we never knew.

We are making peace with this situation and are continuing to trust God and the universe's plan to bring our daughter into our lives. It is a difficult realization, but now we know that Tirunesh was apart of that journey to our daughter and she will hold a special place in our hearts.  As we look forward we will continue to trust this journey to our sweet girl and re-open our hearts to her referral.  There is absolutely no telling when that will be but we are next on the list for a referral.   

I will keep updates here in a hope to not have to repeat myself over and over, which feels painful to me right now.  Please do send a prayer out to sweet Tirunesh and that her relinquishment is able to be processed.  We also ask you send your love and prayers out to our daughter, who is still unknown to us, and to us to help heal our hearts. 

Blue Boy

It has been a sad time at the Rikkers...our sweet spirited dog, Blue Boy, died very unexpectedly. His death was a tragic accident and leaves us with very sad and heavy hearts.

We will remember you Blue Boy....how much you loved each of us and wanted to kiss us and touch you whenever we could. How much you LOVED playing ball in the yard, and how you always amazed us with your speed and agility. How you would bark at us to throw it again and again and again. Your sweet, loving spirit....so unconditional. How you would nudge us to keep petting you the moment our hand would stop. How you would jump up on the couch and make yourself a comfy little stop for yourself. How you would sleep and snuggle with us and put your body under the covers and head up by ours on the pillow...just like a little person would. We will remember you as a puppy...so small and sweet. The day I found you and you held your paw up to me to please me, and how you continued to do that whenever you wanted to please me. How you escaped from the fence at the old house, were hit by a car and came home nearly untouched by it all. Then to prevent your skinny body from getting through the fence, how I had you were a doggy backpack with waterbottles in it. How you would jump on people because you were so excited to meet and see them...and you meant it...and how much that annoyed me. How you would bark to protect us like a big dog would. I will always remember how you were symbolic of these days in our family life- full of energy and love...just like you.

Blue boy I am so sorry for your death. I am so sorry. But I am also so glad that you were apart of our lives. The boys will always remember you and love you as their first dog. And we will always love you for loving us the way you did. Good-bye Blue Boy... good boy.