gift of a polaroid....

There were countless moments that have stayed with me for 3 years from AIDS Walk Africa in Swaziland. But for me what comes to mind first are the interactions with the children.  The children especially loved to have their photograph taken with our digital cameras so then be able to look at their own sweet faces.  I am quite sure there were many children that had never seen their very own smiling face before.

Before we went to AWA we were prepped for the journey.  The foundation (EGPAF) shared that children would likely be very curious about our cameras and some may want to see their photo.   It hit me quickly...why not bring a Polaroid camera!  A Polaroid camera so that I could take their photo and gift it to the children and mothers I encountered.  So I ordered the camera and tracked down Polaroid film.  It seemed like such a simple thing to bring along, one that would bring so much pleasure!

It may have been one of the single best ideas I ever had.....one that was incredible for the mothers and children, but filled my soul with such joy that I can still feel it today as I type these words!

I was able to witness the pure wonder of a child as they looked in total awe at this photo developing right before their eyes. They clung onto their special photo as if it was gold. I was able to bring 80 Polaroid photos for the polaroid camera.  Each time I took a photo I felt such joy in being able to give them something meaningful that they will treaure. And for me that is one of my greatest treasures ever.

Can you imagine what it would feel like to live in a very remote area of Swaziland.  Have this group of Westerners visiting your little village, walking....with air conditioned vans following them.  They bring cameras, smiles, some supplies.   I wonder how it felt for this little guy.  If nothing else I do know he loved his photos!

This mother was was excited to have a photo of herself with her baby girl...

Every mother wants to be able to capture these special moments.....

I am so happy she has at least a couple photos for them to share.

photography....a polaroid=joy

AIDS Walk Africa....3 years later

It was 3 years ago......that I went on the journey of a lifetime to Swaziland to participate in AIDS Walk Africa for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation.  

Why Swaziland, a small kingdom between South Africa and Mozambique?

 Did you know that 3 years ago that 33% of the population of Swaziland was infected with the virus....33%.  That is why.

That is 1 in 3 of these school children....

AWA was really was one of those life experiences that becomes apart of your soul, which I think are the best kind. We (the staff and 19 walkers including, my Mom and cousin, Casey) witnessed so much over the course of walking the land of Swaziland in just a few days.  Here we are...

This journey was about witnessing.   The country, the culture, the disease in pandemic proportions.

Witnessing the children, my god, the children- with our own eyes and touch. And knowing with each time you made eye contact, smiled or touched a child that they are what this mission is truely about.  Witnessing the work to give these beautiful children a chance at life free of HIV/AIDS!

This is a preschool (below) we stopped at to donate some clothing items, paper and coloring pencils. The teacher said her school needs a new roof. She also said that all of these children are orphaned by HIV/AIDS. In Swaziland, we didn't see orphanages, instead the children are raised by extended family in the community.

Going on this walk I prepared myself to feel a great deal of sadness, but found that while I had some moments of sadness (ex: witnessing a boy with shoes that were a men's size...but he wore them to school. Also, witnessing a boy with such severly bowed legs he could barely walk and knowing this could be corrected in the U.S.A. so easily) the sadness I felt was overpowered by the HOPE and JOY.

The incredible hope that the people hold for their children to be able to live free of HIV. The hope was in their eyes, and smiles. The hope rang in their sweet voices as they sang and danced for us. The message of the children's dance was a brave one...to say out loud HIV is killing our people, we need to make good choices and keep ourselves healthy as we are the flowers of our community.

The children stay with you. I met a sweet little girl, named Tula, while walking. She was fasinated by my sunglassess and then proudly wore my sunglasses and carried my walking stick as we walked together. She reached out to hold my hand. As we walked those hills together hand in hand, I realized these are the hills her mother walked with her and that she will likely walk with her own children one day. The terrain will not change, but the plight of the people walking this terrain can! It is possible! There is hope for her...and for all these children. I felt the hope and know it is possible to eradicate HIV.

The cultural norms and taboos surrounding HIV/AIDS must continue to evolve and the Swazi-people realize that they must happen first with their youngest generation. This nation is being destroyed by HIV/AIDS and the challenges they face are enormous. Many Swazi-men do not want to know their HIV status and continue to take many wives and girlfriends. The women in the rural communities have very few resources and so many challenges (poverty, HIV stigma and status, clean water, basic needs).

The next time you take your car to a Dr's appointment and wait to see the Dr., think of this. As we walked the miles and miles through the hills you couldn't help but imagine yourself a Swazi-women: barefoot, pregnant, not feeling well from HIV/AIDS and carrying a child with her walking miles on very rugged terrain, and steep hills to get to the clinic for medical treatment for herself and her child (preventing mother to child transmission, prenatal care, her own HIV treatments).

The mothers often wait all day to be seen and will sometimes sleep on the grass outside until the next morning. The Swazi-women are no different than all mothers who deeply love their children and want their children to have a healthy start in life... to be born free of HIV. Like all mothers, they too want to be healthy and be able to raise their own children, but are fighting against many challenges to do so.

3 years ago....I walked the paths that those mothers walked.  And today I remember and share it with you to bring you closer to those mothers and children and the hope for cbildren all around the world, to be born free of HIV.

Hope Tucked Away....

There is something so wonderful about this quote 

by Jennifer Selig (from her book Thinking Outside The Church). 

I think it speaks to both our human nature and holding onto one's hope.  I just love it.

"Hope Blossoms"  mixed media triptych 

each 6"x6"  created for the Freeport Art Museum's Mini-Masterpiece Exhibit

May 6th, 2011

To me this piece is about the hope we all hold.  The blossoms are literally sharing this message.  These pieces were truly evolved over time.  I used many papers I have been saving for years to create the dimension and heavy texture.  Also used Swaziland postage stamps to send a message or a postcard about hope to the viewer.  I have a collection of stamps that I acquired for the "Message from Swaziland" series.  These hope blossoms represent my hope I witnessed while on my journey to their for AIDS Walk Africa in the summer of 2008....I will always keep that hope in my hope chest.

Here is that wonderful quote if it was difficult to read in the piece:

"Inside all of our chests there lies hope tucked away.
Some hopes are buried deep at the bottom of those chests, for they have been there forever,
but other hops are new, afterthoughts almost, placed on top for easy removal
in case they should be replaced by new hopes.

Some people keep their hope chest locked up because they feel too vulnerable to reveal their contents,
but others will give you the key or open it for you and invite you to look inside.

There, if you examine the content of their hope chest with gentle eyes,
you'll see revealed the magnitude of their spirit, because there is a sacred marriage
between the human spirit and hope."
-J.L. Selig

gentle nudges...

{I am about to take on #13 "Service the church" & #38 "do something outside my comfort zone" from my "40 before 40" list!}

About 6 months ago the pastor from our church called and asked if I would give the sermon on "Lay" (lay person) Sunday in March.  He thought a sermon about what inspired my journey to AIDS Walk Africa (AWA).  I said "sure, I will" and put it in the back of my mind.  It sat there, made me feel nervous and I put it away.  So, now that Sunday is approaching and it is in the fore front of my mind.

First, the fact that "I" am giving a sermon blows my mind.  I have long struggled with parts of the literal biblical teachings and have rebelled against religion in general (a whole different post).  I have been totally resistant to all of it because all I could see was the judgement of religions.  All I could see was what I didn't like.   Only recently (last 2 years) have I found peace in my own Christian faith.  Our family found a church we connected to and that supported our beliefs about the world, so we became members of our United Church Of Christ church here in Monroe.  I love the church, the people, the loving messages.  It fits.  It feels good to be growing spiritually and have a place to plant the seeds for my children.  But to be asked to give a "sermon" still blows my mind.  me?   anyway....

I thought the initial focus of my sermon might be "to whom much is entrusted, much is demanded".  A philosophy I have always believed.  I really didn't even know it was from Jesus' teachings until the pastor told me!  ha!  The process of writing this sermon has lead me to find clarity in what I am really wanting to share about my journey to Africa, both for AWA and to bring our sweet girl to her forever family.  This process has help me understand the calling....the gentle nudges I have been receiving for years and years.

While examining my message for the sermon, I came to the realization that I had a "calling".   Me?  A calling from God, who knew.   Our pastor was kind enough to sit down and talk with me about what I would share.  She listened and said, "what you are talking about is a universal experience, it is "a calling".
Again, me?

For as long as I can remember I was drawn to the concept of adoption.  I was also painfully fascinated by the images of Ethiopia as a child.  In fact, I remember once my mother sat me down in front of the t.v. to see the images of Ethiopia children with the hope of giving me some perspective on my own life (I am sure I needed it)....and she said she was so surprised by how deeply I was affected by it.  I remember it very well and can still see those images in my mind today.  I was deeply affected.  Perhaps that was God's initial gentle nudge.

Then growing up I had all sorts of nudges in this direction, teaching me about the world.  As a young adult I still had the interest in adoption and just "knew" I would adopt internationally.  I even interned and worked in the field of domestic adoption, but knew I would adopt internationally.  There were nudges all along this path.   Then while we were living abroad I kept running into the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, in a magazine, on the BBC network on tv... it became this reoccurring theme that I was running into and thinking about.  I was a young mother with a 1 and 3 year old.  No direct connection to the issue, and yet it kept surfacing for me....nudge after gentle nudge.

Then we moved back to the U.S. and settled in to where we live now.  The issue kept surfacing. Nudging.   Then I had a 3rd son.  The idea of adoption and a fourth child was very strong.... I knew what I needed to do, and thankfully my hubby was with me.   But we thought adoption from China.  The actual day that I sent our initial paperwork and $500 to the Chinese Embassy, we got the call from our social worker that China was not looking good for us due to the delayed time line and the fact that we had so much "good debt" (school loans, mortgage).  Back to the drawing board on the country....but knowing international was right.  Then it hit me....Ethiopia.  I began my research and immediately I knew.  Yes, Ethiopia is where our daughter is from.  I had been receiving all of these nudges about AWA, thinking of Africa, I was drawn to it.  I had decided I wanted to participate in AWA.   I just knew it.   It took my hubby a little longer, but he trusted my strong instincts and jumped on board.

Now as I look back on it, I think it was all apart of the same calling.  God was nudging me in this direction for years.....perhaps my whole life.    I just needed to be able to receive it.  Finally, I was at a place to receive it.  It isn't a mistake that this calling came to me in this form.  How else could I hear it.  I was so resistant to anything biblical or religiously based.  That would not have worked.  But now I can see so clearly that God gave me this calling in a way that opened my heart, that let these possibilities to give back to the world and bring our daughter home.

I didn't know it...which perhaps is the best thing.
Those gentle nudges were opening my heart....to other mothers and children in Africa, to adoption and bringing our daughter home to her forever family from Ethiopia.  Those gentle nudges were all intertwined, opening my heart, my mind.   And ultimately, without even knowing it, I let God in as well.

I will be asking the congregation to look within and ask themselves what "gentle nudges" they may be receiving.  What are the gifts and talents they have to share?  They are all different for each of us....
What about you?  been nudged lately?

Tomorrow I go practice the sermon at the pulpit.....yikes.  This is really outside my comfort zone....it is both public speaking and at church!   pray for me! ;)

Building a playground in Swaziland~

On our last day of AIDS Walk Africa- We had the opportunity to help build a playground structure and a shelter area next to a clinic. These structures will be very important in helping mothers wait at the clinic, sometimes all day, to be seen. They will have an area out of the blistering summer sun to wait under the shelter and their children will have an area to exert all of their energy. This will likely hold a great impact in mother's staying to wait for their treatments and as a result will lead to more success in preventing and treating HIV/AIDS!

partially constructed playarea BEFORE

Mom, Casey and I all knew immediately that we would like to work together in the playarea. Like all mothers, I could really relate to the mothers needing a place for their kids to play! I also knew that the children would absolutely adore such a play area here in this part of the world where it is truly rare. So, we got right to building with 6 other walkers. The lead constructioner, Luciano, with his strong cultural beliefs had doubts about our ability as women to be helpful in this endeavor. Well, we all showed him as women that we are more than capable! My first task was to bolt the preconstructed slide to the pre-constructed structure. This had its issues with lack of power tools, but I got the job done. Then I worked on nailing all the steps up the playstructure to complete the stairs. As I did this I was tried very hard to make sure it was as exact as possible and used my own hand to measure the distance between steps!

At the same time Casey was working on nailing in the floor of the playarea, a very time consuming and tedious task! He did a great job! Mom took on the challenge of putting together an oil drum crawl through structure. She did great constructing it and bolting it all together. Later Mom and I crawled inside those very greasy oil drums and wiped them clean of the sand, oil and grime. It was quite a task, but I can know say I would let my own children crawl through..it is that clean. Casey, Mom and I all did alot of painting. The paint was very thin and they pigmented it themselves. Unfortunately, we didn't have primer to really make the paint stay in the elements, but alas, we did the best possible with the resources we had!

In the end it was a most amazing build. Our team has left behind a wonderful play area. But what was so magnificent about this day, was in the afternoon when the children who had been anxiously waiting for us to complete the project were able, at last, to climb up those stairs and slide down the slide, they swang on the swings with delight, they crawled through the oil drums and teetered on the teeter-totter as if flying.



At the end of the day, we met the King's brother and other chiefs of the area were present. The local chief also honored all the elders of the group....I call this part, "Mom's senior moment" where she was wrapped in the traditional batiq wrap in front of the entire group with the rest of the elders from our group. It was a wonderful way to honor elders....frankly, I think we should take that tradition back home.

During all of these formalities it was rather quiet, except for the wonderful noise of children laughing and playing on the play area. It was the most beautiful sound and sight!

Having had the opportunity to leave something behind in Swaziland, Africa gives me such joy. Every bit of work I put in to my fundraising and spreading the word about the HIV/AIDS pandemic in Swaziland has in the end giving me so more. Now THAT is a beautiful gift I never fully expected.

Journey of a Lifetime....AIDS Walk Africa

Sharing everything going on in my mind about my journey for AIDS Walk Africa in Swaziland is almost impossible. But I hope to give you bits and pieces as I go along. So, after reading this blog please go to http://www.pedaids.org/ to see the virtual walk posted by the EGPAF. They have an amazing day by day account of all the details of our walk.


Here, I would rather tell you about what it felt like for me to be apart of this journey. It really was one of those life experiences that becomes apart of your soul, which I think are the best kind. We (the staff and 19 walkers including, my Mom and cousin, Casey) witnessed so much over the course of walking the land of Swaziland in just a few days.

First, the beauty of this peaceful country is amazing and its people are incredibly welcoming and gentle. Then taking in their tradtional way of living in the rural areas wherewe walked to clinics and schools. Witnessing the children, my god, the children- with our own eyes and touch. And knowing with each time you made eye contact, smiled or touched a child that they are what this mission is truely about. Giving these beautiful children a chance at life free of HIV/AIDS!


This is a preschool (above) we stopped at to donate some clothing items, paper and coloring pencils. The teacher said her school needs a new roof. She also said that all of these children are orphaned by HIV/AIDS. In Swaziland, we didn't see orphanages, instead the children are raised by extended family in the community.

Going on this walk I prepared myself to feel a great deal of sadness, but found that while I had some moments of sadness (ex: witnessing a boy with shoes that were a men's size...but he wore them to school. Also, witnessing a boy with such severly bowed legs he could barely walk and knowing this could be corrected in the U.S.A. so easily) the sadness I felt was overpowered by the HOPE and JOY! The incredible hope that the people hold for their children to be able to live free of HIV. The hope was in their eyes, and smiles. The hope rang in their sweet voices as they sang and danced for us. The message of the children's dance was a brave one...to say out loud HIV is killing our people, we need to make good choices and keep ourselves healthy as we are the flowers of our community.





The children stay with you. I met a sweet little girl, named Tula, while walking. She was fasinated by my sunglassess and then proudly wore my sunglasses and carried my walking stick as we walked together. She reached out to hold my hand. As we walked those hills together hand in hand, I realized these are the hills her mother walked with her and that she will likely walk with her own children one day. The terrain will not change, but the plight of the people walking this terrain can! It is possible! There is hope for her...and for all these children. I felt the hope and know it is possible to eradicate HIV.

The cultural norms and taboos surrounding HIV/AIDS must continue to evolve and the Swazi-people realize that they must happen first with their youngest generation. This nation is being destroyed by HIV/AIDS and the challenges they face are enormous. Many Swazi-men do not want to know their HIV status and continue to take many wives and girlfriends. The women in the rural communities have very few resources and so many challenges (poverty, HIV stigma and status, clean water, basic needs).

These are a traditional Swazi -homesteads with the husband's sleeping quarters, the wife (or wives) have their own sleeping hut and a seperate kitchen. Swazi's prefer to have the main home round as to keep the "evil spirits" from hiding in corners.

The next time you take your car to a Dr's appointment and wait to see the Dr., think of this. As we walked the miles and miles through the hills you couldn't help but imagine yourself a Swazi-women: barefoot, pregnant, not feeling well from HIV/AIDS and carrying a child with her walking miles on very rugged terrain, and steep hills to get to the clinic for medical treatment for herself and her child (preventing mother to child transmission, prenatal care, her own HIV treatments. Below is a photo of some of the roads walked, a mother and baby waiting in the clinic, and an outside shot of the clinic where they provide soooo much to the community on limited resources. The EGPAF provides the support to help prevent mother to child transmission and treat HIV/AIDS.

The mothers often wait all day to be seen and will sometimes sleep on the grass outside until the next morning. The Swazi-women are no different than all mothers who deeply love their children and want their children to have a healthy start in life... to be born free of HIV. Like all mothers, they too want to be healthy and be able to raise their own children, but are fighting against many challenges to do so.

There were countless moments that have stayed with me. Some are the amazing walkers I met who really use their lives and are so inspiring! But for me what comes to mind first are the interactions with the children. We met so many. I liked to teach them to do a "high five". They would hesitate at first and then doing the high five brought a big smile and giggle. Sometimes we would do patty-cake too. Some of the girls love to dance and we twirled them, which they loved They especially loved to have us take their photograph with our digital camera and then be able to look at their own image.

I had heard ahead of time that the children will want to look at our camera's images and then the idea came to me to take that one step further. It was absolutely one of the most joyful moments of my life was being able to pull out my polaroid camera and take photos of the children and mothers. I was able to witness the pure wonder of a child as they looked in total awe at this photo developing right before their eyes. They clung onto their special photo as if it was gold. I was able to bring 80 photos for the polaroid and each time I took a photo I felt such joy in being able to give them something meaningful that they will treaure. And for me that is one of my greatest treasures.

I will have more to share with you soon!

EGPAF Fundraiser Huge Success!!!

As you can see I haven't blogged in a while as I have been busy, busy getting everything ready for the big Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation fundraiser at our home!! This included lots and lots of garden and lawn work...but the great part about that is now we get to enjoy it for the rest of the summer! Also, much organizing and collection of items for the silent auction...which was an amazing spread of items!

The day was overcast, but comfortable for the event to be outside in the yard. The kids had a ball eatting snowcones (I think Drew had at least 5!), getting their faces painted and jumping and sliding in the huge moon walk! The center of the event was the amazing band, "Clear Blue Betty", they rocked Monroe! They volunteered their time and talent for this event!! Please go check them out on their webiste www.clearbluebetty.com I have their c.d. and love it!

The silent auction was such fun and filled with something for everyone. I had my artwork on public display which was a new experience, but one I think I will get use to. I know everyone that purchased a piece so that is wonderful! I had the help of neighbors, friends and family to make this event possible. Thank you!!

Now...drum roll...we raised over $5000!! What amazing things this $$ will do for children around the world in the fight against HIV!

Today March 26, 2008

I am moving forward full force in planning for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation fundraising event! It is quite and undertaking since it will be at our home and could possibly be quite large! I hope alot of people feel moved to come. The fantastic band, Clear Blue Betty, have volunteered their time and talent to perform for us. This is huge! They are so wonderful to give of themselves and their music is fantastic! Check them out! Then I am gathering all sorts of items for the silent auction....Dad got K-Swiss to donate items and also outfit me for the AIDS Walk Africa. How amazing is that! Margo will be donating yoga items from Nike (she is a Nike sponsored athlete and is currently in Mallorca, Spain for 6 weeks!). Then I have many artists donating paintings. My mentor, Debbie Meyer, who is a light in my life for one. She is an amazing artist and teacher. My mother has even been working on pieces! Go Mom! I will also be submitting some of my own work. (This is photo above is one of my latest pieces that I painted from a scene in a Germany park that we ran across when we lived abroad). Anyway, there is so much to do and so many people to contact...rent the snowcone machine, moon walk etc... I will fit it all in because it is something I am really excited about!

It is peacefully quiet here at he moment. Juddy & Drew are at school and Jack is napping and I have time to myself. ahhhh. In these moments I am thinking about our daughter so often. I just ordered a wonderful pendant from http://www.etsy.com/ (fantastic artist's website!). The artist is listed under "Junkposse" and she creates jewerly from salvaged silver. I found the perfect pendant for my charm braclete! It is a heart with africa on it and then say "born in my" with another pendant on top. So, "Born in my heart" africa pendant....how perfect is that. I had it engraved on the back "My sweet girl", which of course is what my Mom called me, and I will of course call my sweet girl. She is never far from my thoughts...just as when you literally carry your child in your body. This is an amazing journey. Right now I am thinking so often of her birth mother and for her well-being. She and our daughter have quite a journey ahead of them and they are in my heart.

The boys are doing well. That photo above is of our freckle-faced boy, Drew. Juddy is going to be an acrobat in the Kindergarten Circus! This is a very big deal in the life of a kindergartener! Jack is into everything, crawling and climbing, but remains snuggly. He is saying words like Dada (his favorite person in the world!), ball, hi/bye. He is almost 17 months old and has the best curly "mullet" hair-do going. I love it! Drew had a big moment yesterday when he mastered using scissors! It was so exciting to see him be successful, as he struggles with his fine motor skills. He used a pair of surgical scissors and for some reason they really helped him get the hang of it. He didn't want to stop cutting things! It is in those moments you realize what an honor it is to watch a child grow. When you really see, right before your eyes, your baby growing and changing. That is what it is all about.