more, more

 This post is overdue.  I have been waiting until the time felt right to write about rocking with my sweet girl.   "The Rockin' Mama Challenge"  was just the nudge I needed to start to commit to rocking together.  We had been rocking from the beginning of our arrival home, now just a year ago, but I wanted to take it to the next level.


A year ago, Tessa had difficulty making eye contact.  She didn't want to be held close and would feel restless.  There were times she would fall asleep in my arms out of exhaustion, but not from being soothed.  More than anything, she would want to suck her thumb and look away.  I could feel her distance, I could feel her pain and my heart was breaking.  

The thumb sucking was a big sign to me that I needed to teach her that I could soothe her.  That she could trust me to care for her, meets her needs, make her feel at ease.  The thumb sucking was so habitual that when she came home she wanted to suck her thumb so much that she would take a spoonful of babyfood and then insert her thumb.  It was the only mechanism she had to soothe herself.   Rocking became apart of the process of building the trust, growing our attachment and ultimately letting go of the thumb.  


There were times when we rocked that I would tuck her left arm away so she would be unable to get to her thumb.  I would distract her from her thumb with "itsy bitsy spider" and the same songs over and over.... "you are my sunshine", "I love you yes I do, "Rainbow connection", and "night, night, Tessa..it's time to say night, night".  She began making eye contact, smiling, listening more and more. Sometimes if she looked away I would stop singing and then as soon as she re-engaged eye contact again I would happily start right where I left off.   Over time, this became our special routine, so much so that now she will say "more, more" when I stop.  more...more, and so I go again.   

This photo is a self-portrait with a mirror...see the camera on our rocking chair?  The mirror on her closet is perfectly positioned across from the rocking chair.  I can't tell you how many times I was able to make eye contact with her through that mirror when direct eye contact was too much for her.  I could watch her and she could watch me.   The mirror is such a special part of our rocking that we so enjoy.  

She will be all snuggled in, watching "us", we will watch each other.

Tonight I am certain I wanted to write this post because Tessa didn't once reach for her thumb as we rocked.   Tonight she snuggled in tight to me ready to start rocking....it was the best feeling.

We rocked, looking at each other in the mirror.  

Then she leaned back into the side of my arm to look directly in my eyes and said song, song.  

I sang all of our songs, she listened, watched, smiled...she then said, "more, more".

Later she closed her eyes and began her little squinting game.  She peeks out of her eyes just a bit to see if I am watching.  This fun little game that she has created.  I smile big every time I see her peeking out at me.  She has the best little, happy, content smile coming back at me as she squints her eyes.  

We keep rocking.  

The squinting game turns to sleepiness.  She still hasn't wanted her thumb.  

She falls asleep in my arms and is calm, content....and so am I.  

And I say..."more, more".

rockin-mama-challenge

connecting....to the hope

testing, testing.....1,2,3.....testing.

There have been many moments in the last year that I deeply wished we could do a quick and simple test on our connection, our attachment with our daughter.   Then, maybe, I would have the answers I so dearly desired.  Is she feeling secure and cared for?  Does she know I am her Mom...forever?  Does she trust us?  And then the big one....does she love me?


But the truth is that I do have a lot of that information, it is just hard to see it clearly sometimes.  Hard to feel it and to trust this process when I feel rejected, hurt and confused by her and our attachment, or connection.

The fact that Tessa was well cared for and loved by nannies (for nearly 8 months) in her ET care center leaves many with the impression that she should have come out of that situation unscathed.   She was healthy, clean and seemed happy, she was clearly adored by the nannies.  But it was a care center, an orphanage, and that can in no way replace being with a family, with a parent, a mother or father loving you day in and day out.

A year ago we were in Ethiopia getting to know our sweet girl.  A year later, here is what I do and don't know about Tessa's early months and making connections, and where we are today.

I don't have any idea how many times she cried and couldn't be soothed.
I do know that she when we met her she sucked her thumb fiercely and constantly...still does when tired.

I don't know how many times she cried and could not be picked up, how many hours she laid in a crib.
I do know she routinely lays in her crib, goes to sleep and wakes without crying as if it is second nature. *full disclosure*  I love that she is so incredibly easy to lay down, it makes my life easier.  I never had that with my birth children, but I realize this sleep training wasn't exactly from an ideal situation.

I don't know for sure how being held outward and given her milk by cup affected her.
I do know that she loved a bottle the first time I gave it to her in Ethiopia.
I do know that she wouldn't make eye contact with me and that my instincts told me to make sure we made this eye contact.  I fed her right at my chest, held inward and if she broke eye contact I would pull the bottle up gently from her mouth and give it back as soon as we met eyes again....it felt right.

I don't know how much she played or how much playtime she would have been able to have with a nanny.
I do know she had no idea how to play when we got home (at 8 months).
I do know that it seemed like she didn't know how to "laugh"....and in time she learned.

I don't know if she was particularily attached to any one nanny.
I do know that after we arrived home, I was a nanny in her eyes for a long time....
I could feel it and see it.  When I realized she saw me as another nanny it did hurt but I also understood it.

Today, in this moment, it is crystal clear to me that this is all about Tessa's pain.  The grief, while it may be subconscious, it remains.  There had to be such loss before Tessa could become apart of our family.  And while Tessa was far too young to understand or remember it, her experience remains.  As humans we are innately wired to seek connection, to seek a caregiver to bond with, to survive.  To make eye contact, to feel secure and soothed by another, to have all of our needs met.  And the truth is that was impossible for our sweet girl in her early months.  So, I feel when that bond and security doesn't happen naturally early on in life, what remains is a wound of the soul.

I most need to remind myself of this soul wound when Tessa overtly rejects my love.  When she is hurt and needs comfort, but reaches for another.  When she won't let me soothe her.  It is in these moments she is showing me her soul wound.  She needs us to really "see" her and the information that she is able to give.

There are is also the signs that her soul wound is healing.  {we are healing, we are healing.}  I see the healing in the moments she laughs; when she makes a little expression just for me to see;  when we snuggle, sing and rock in our chair; when she says "Mama, hold me" and reaches up with those sweet little hands.   When the soul wound resurfaces I need to remember the journey, why it is here, what we are all suppose to be learning from it.

Through all of the ups and downs in this adoption journey (and there have been many), the journey has always been about hope.  Even Tessa's name is derived from her Ethiopian name, Tesfanesh, literally meaning "you are hope".  I do hope and believe that the soul wound will heal.   And I know that we are healing that soul wound everyday...I am staying with the hope.

testing, testing .......1,2,3.........connecting to the hope.

**Claudia over at my--fascinating--life.blogspot.com is holding a blog symposium on attachment.  be sure to stop over and check out all the links...people sharing about this most personal and important topic!

reaching

My heart feels like it is bleeding.   I am reaching out right now because sometimes I get in my head.  big surprise, huh?!   We were just out of town for 4 days (Superbowl mania).  Beyond the normal Mommy anxieties about leaving their children, I always wonder if it will effect Tessa's attachment to me when I leave.   I feel like we have been making really steady progress from where we started (which in the beginning I was a nanny to her...her only frame of reference).  But with every few steps forward I do realize now that when you go out of town their is bound to be a step back.

Full disclosure....I am very tuned in, very intuitive in general.  Possibly too much so to the nuances in relationships, always have been.  And while it is so important to be aware of your children's state of mind, sometimes during this bonding process it makes me feel insecure and anxious.  Insecure about Tessa's need for me.   This has been ever present the last 4 days.  She has literally been "reaching up" to any woman when I am present.  I'm right there.  I am there ready to pick her up when she reaches and she is searching for someone else. I will reach down and she will often look for another option if we are around other people.  She has even been going to the boys for comfort.  It makes me feel so sad.  Defeated.  I am trying so very hard to build the trust, attachment and love.  To be the one to comfort her and so often she doesn't seek or want my comfort.  I don't understand.

Today Tessa had a round of vaccine shots.  (always awful to watch as a Mommy and scary for her).  After her vaccine while she was screaming and needed to be comforted, I was holding her and she reached for the nurse that had just given her the vaccine.   I felt so hurt.  I don't know what to make of it. I almost felt like she was trying to hurt me.   That sounds crazy, I know.  Obviously, we are still on our journey.  But sometimes this journey hurts my heart.  Each time she reaches for someone else, avoiding me.....while I am reaching for answers, for an end, for comfort of my own that everything will be o.k. for Tessa and I.  I love her so.....

below is my beloved chandelier.....half of it is looking through glass.
Things are distorted....
Among these tears and this heavy heart there must be hope, there must be clarity...

8 months & 8 months

8 months in Ethiopia....

Tessa was 8 months old when we brought her home and into our family's life forever.  For 8 months she had a journey without us....there was loss, changes and her ability to thrive in her environment.  We didn't even know of her until she was 10 weeks old.  I wish I had more to give her from those first 8 months.  I do know she was loved and cared for well at the care center.  I also know that in that time she was resilient and left as healthy as possible.  She hadn't bonded to any one person, but she was loved and cared for.

8 months home....she has been loved and care for by us for 8 months.  At first I was a nanny to her.  I am sure of it.  But really, it was her only frame of reference "People care for me, but I don't have one person".  I felt her emotional distance in many ways, it was intense and painful. I was so ready to love her and be loved.  But it was going to take time.   I knew it would be different than my experiences with my birth sons, but you never know what it will feel like until you are in it.  With time, consistency and lots of love, touch and care the bond started.  It grew, and grew.  She began to reach for me, want to be comforted by me.  All beautiful signs of such an important developmental and lifelong skill....attachment.  It is complicated, but aren't all things that are this important!?  Being able to trust, to love and be loved.  We are there now....it is growing everyday.  I still look for the signs that she is giving me that say "I need you" and look for the moments when she seems distant.  Those distant moments seem fewer.

Our sweet girl is growing, changing all too quickly.  Babyhood with Tessa went so fast, she is a full on toddler now who loves to explore.  Actually, that basically all she does when she isn't restrained in a car seat or high chair now that I think about it.  I have emptied drawers to prevent some of her messes and moved dangers out of the way.  She has the most infectious little smile and laugh.  Her beauty is really stunning.  Tessa feels things intensely....yep, she has a temper!   She is a wonderful little soul, who we feel blessed to be guiding in this world.

8 & 8....Tessa, you have been with us now for as long as you we were without you in our arms.  Look how far we have come in just 8!  Here's to a lifetime.  We love you.

"aha" moment

So, I recently had a big "aha moment".  One that made so much sense, one that put me at ease and help me understand my sweet girl.  Then and now.

We have now been home with our daughter just over 4 months.  When we came home I felt like Tessa (8 months) was adjusting to our family really well, but was feeling so uneasy about her attachment.  Knowing full well that it would take time, I also felt like something was "off" and I couldn't put my finger on it.  Having had 3 birth children, it was inevitable to compare the process to a certain degree. Maybe not fair, but that can hardly be avoided.  I remembered each of my boys at 8 months, 9 months, 10 months....how they smiled and made gleeful noises, their silly expressions, the eye contact.  What I kept coming back to was Tessa's flat affect, poor eye contact,  inability to laugh out loud and non-reaction to any playful expressions.  I just couldn't make sense of it and then began to wonder- what am I doing wrong?  Does she not like me?  Will she love me?  

  Despite everything I had read, I began to wonder if something was really wrong in her ability to attach....or perhaps there was something I should be doing that I wasn't.  After about the 2 month mark I noticed she was becoming more expressive and needing me more.  Things were improving!  

 With Tessa just celebrating her 1st birthday last week,  I was reflecting on how much she has changed in the past 4 months.   I realized something, which I wish I had understood earlier while in the midst of my anxiety about our bonding process (but perhaps that is why I couldn't).  All of a sudden it dawned on me that while in the care center that Tessa's basic needs were met.  She was fed, diapered, she was very healthy physically and I believe was given love and attention.  But during that process there wasn't time for enough individual interactions at a deeper level.  Of course there wasn't in that setting.  And without that focused individual attention and bonding she was unable to develop the social skills that one might normally acquire during those formative early months (like with my birth sons).  Tessa had no idea what I was doing when I was trying to make her laugh with my expressions.  No idea that I was playing with her.  While Tessa could easily attract a person's attention with her gaze and big beautiful eyes, she may smile at you, but wasn't able to go beyond that.  It is subtle, very subtle.  I am a very sensitive person and keenly aware of expressions, so now as I see Tessa initiate interaction with her silly eyes, her scrunched up nose...I see that she has now learned to connect!  She had to have the individual attention to learn these social skills...social skills aren't  nature, they are nurture. nuture. nurture.

To some this may be a no brainer....for me it really wasn't and I felt a lot of anxiety.  Pricelessly because it is something I care so much about-connecting with my daughter.  Coming home with an infant is different than one born to you.  Right from the beginning a baby is developing their social skills, their ability to connect.   You can't put your hands on it and often can't wrap your head around it, but really isn't that just the most beautiful thing!  The bonding is happening now and I can see it in her eyes at last.

Tonight someone asked to hold Tessa at a store.  Someone she doesn't know.  In the not so distant past she would easily go to anyone without any complaint.  Tonight she complained, hung on tight to me and wouldn't let go.  She wanted her Mama and didn't want to go to a stranger.  aha!

3 months....

3 months....into our new life as a family.  3 months since we arrived home with sweet Tessa.  3 months of me trying to find the "new normal", juggling 4 little ones.  3 months....

How these 3 months have passed so quickly and with so much intensity.  I feel like I haven't been able to fully document it all, but I suppose that is the nature of real life when you are fully immersed in it.  What I can tell you is that it has been full of highs and lows.  Moments of insecurity as a mother when I wasn't sure Tessa was bonding.  Insecurity I have never experienced before, but I think is normal in this experience.  There have been moments of chaos....true and utter chaos. And then there have been moments of beautiful joy and love.

The truth is that it all takes time to find your way.  Isn't that true of any parenting experience?  And adoption is certainly no exception.  Bonding is truly a process, one that takes patience, time and nurturing.  Which is precisely why it is so unique and special.  The signs of bonding are there all the time now....and I feel a sense of relief.

3 months home....3 months of being Tessa's forever Mommy, 3 months of our family complete and moving into our future together.

Signs

Signs....that is what I have been looking for.  Signs of bonding.  That I am not a stranger to little Ms. T anymore, even though I know I am not.  You know how when you are really, really close to something how you can miss the signs?   The ones I have had friends point out "Look at her look at you!"  Then I look and say "oh yeh , look at that!"
What I have been looking for are the signs that I am the one she can't live without, signs that she is bonding to me, signs that she knows I am her Mama.   How is it that "I", one who prides myself on being very observant, could miss those signs I have been searching for?   Then I realized with the help of my dear friend, Marcie, that I have been looking for the signs that I am accustomed to.

I have been waiting for that "sign", the big excited,whole body wiggle and huge smile with laugh from Tessa.  Marcie so gently pointed out that what I was looking for is what I know....that I was looking for baby Drew!! This is so true!  Drew is so incredibly expressive and always has been.  As a baby his big smile and wiggly body was ever present when I would enter a room- it was unmistakeable.  No one could miss that!  All the boys had those types of emotional expressions as babies, so I am pretty sure that is what I have been looking for to validate me.  I have been looking for that big obvious sign of love and excitement when Tessa sees me.

What I am realizing is that the signs are there, just a bit more subtle.  It also takes time.  Tessa is a more relaxed, reserved baby than what I have been use too.  Her eyes do like up.  She is looking to me in new situations and with new people.  Finally, yesterday I got a big obvious sign that I couldn't miss.   Ladies from Andy's office came with a Taco Pot Luck, margaritas and gift for all the kids.  (I am so spoiled...It was so sweet of them) I didn't expect it, but when I handed Tessa over to the ladies, she looked at me and was upset and fussy.  It was the first time I had seen "that look" on her face since the first time I met her.  She was wide-eyed and quiet at first and then got really fussy and wanted....me.  Yep, she did and I had never felt so happy to have a fussy baby.  The signs are there.   I am learning, I am tuning in to "her" signs.