$ a tough question $

This post makes me very uncomfortable.....it really, really does.  Especially with what is going on in my mind as our daughter's homeland is stricken by famine.  It is impossible to reconcile.   But I want to write about this question my son posed because it makes me think about how to handle our extreme fortune respectfully and consciously.  So, my middle son, Drew, asked me very innocently, from an 8 year old's mind and perspective.  He just wanted to know....

"Are we rich?"  

When he asked this question I felt immediately uncomfortable and unsure of how to answer.  I mean the fact that he is asking that question speaks volumes.   He is aware and wanting to make sense of this world, especially as we are often talking about the crisis in the horn of Africa and in relation to Tessa's homeland.  

So, then the question for me is how do I answer it so he is aware of his many blessings, our many, many life blessings.  How do I answer it honestly in a very real realistic material sense.  How do I make sure he can handle the answer and be sensitive and respectful?  And how do I answer it from a broader life and world perspective?   I knew I wanted to be able to answer this questions in a way that addresses what we ourselves were born into (middle class families in the USA) as well as what we have worked hard to create.

I stumbled...I wasn't particularily eloquent.  This is basically how I answered this 8 year old's  question...

"Drew, we have sooooo much.  We don't have to worry about food, where to live.   Many people worry about their next meal here and all over the world.  Daddy works so very hard to make money for our family to live.  He went to school for a long time to be able to be a Dr. to help people, and he is paid well for how hard he works.  I am able to not have to work anymore because of this and be able to be home full time with you.  There are lots of people who don't have enough food, or clothes or a home all around the world and right here where we live in Monroe.  Does that make sense?".   He answered yes and seemd to understand, but I realize this is a message that will need to be reinforced over the years.

The truth is we have so much and it makes me uncomfortable at times.  I do love our life.  I love our beautiful home and being able to give our children so many opportunities.  I am keenly aware that our life isn't made of up the things and luxuries we have, but I do enjoy them.  Sometimes there is that guilt for having so much when you see suffering, here or anywhere.   Of course we are talking a lot in our house about the crisis in the horn of Africa.  Thinking about a place we love, our daughters homeland, her birth family....we pray and hope and do what we can from here.   I  want to  focus on how we live our lives.  What we do with our lives, how we live in this world.  

Money is so uncomfortable to talk about, isn't it?  But I think our kids need an honest answer, how else do you learn about the world?   (Is this making you uncomfortable yet?)

I want to get better at talking about it with my kids.  I don't want money to be a secret or a mysterious thing.  And I don't want them to see "rich" in a one dimensional way.  I want them to see the riches of their lives honestly.  They swim in a pool in their yard.  They have traveled and played around the country and world.  They ride on a jet-ski and boat.  This is in a very material sense.  But I also hope their lives are rich in love,  in family, in friendship, opportunity, education and filling their minds and all the basics...a home, water, food.

This is my kids frame of reference....they have A LOT and need for nothing.  Of course, I wouldn't want it any different, but with this comes a responsibility to make sure they appreciate their lives, to see it honestly and give back in their own way.   And I am very aware that when you have all of your needs met and beyond you need to be grateful and use your life to the best of your ability.
"To whom much is given much is required"

So this simple question, "are we rich?"....stirred up a lot in me.  It made me uncomfortable....and usually when something makes you feel that way you know you should look at it!
But I see that despite my discomfort my little guy is just trying to figure out the world, his place in it and I am here to help guide in that process.  Raising children who live in this world with integrity, honesty.   I want them to understand the many priviledges that they were born into, given.  I want them to have gratitude, to live gratiously and within a larger world perspective.

The answer is yes.....yes we are.  We are so very rich.  Our lives are rich in love, in water and food, in community, in education, in friendship, in family......   

milestones

In one day there have been some milestones occuring here....

Andy turned 40.   yep, he is 40!  Fabulous and 40.     

I met him when he was just 21.   wow- we really are grown-ups now.

he is so loved.....

*Proud Mama alert*

Jack is on 2 wheels.  That's right!   He is such a big boy.  Within a minute of Andy taking off the training wheels and he was immediately on 2 wheels. He is continually asking me "Mama, I can go on 2 wheels now.  Want to see?"   It is so sweet, he is so proud...and so am I.

Drew got up on 2 skis!!!  I was driving so I only have this photo of him on a tube.  But let me tell you getting up on 2 skis was BIG!

Jud is kneeboarding like a pro....seriously hitting the wake like it is nothing!    I wish had had a shot of him throwing up his "hang-loose" sign.  Needless to say he is totally rad.

Tessa is working on getting 3 teeth all at once.  It is not a small task.  

And it seems like there is alot of drama at our house.  

She is basically ticked off alot....I hope those teeth pop through soon!

I am always amazed by this life.  Watching all of us grow and change....together. 

tattoo or not to tattoo?

I have been thinking a lot lately about getting a tattoo....

the impulse to do this has been many years in the making.  College came and went with the impulse and thank goodness I didn't act on it during some raging night out on the town. I am glad I didn't get one during that period, precisely because I didn't know myself well enough.  If I had I would have a sunflower or shamrock or Bucky Badger on my body....and would either be cursing it or probably would have had it removed by now.

Today it is a different story.  I really do know who I am, and I have a strong desire to capture my feeling about my family in art on my body.   Of course, I already have my baby tattoos, aka... "stretch marks".   I have embraced those as a mark on my body signifying motherhood.   But now that our family is complete I want to create a design of my own.  I am imagining something with fiddleheads or a very organic shapes respresenting our family.

I like these henna inspired shapes (especially the 1st and 7th), but would design something myself for 4 children to be represented.

And of course, I LOVE fiddleheads....what they represent- growth, change, evolving, and togetherness

...how they re-emerge every spring and represent hope.

I imagine something small, feminine and beautiful.  Mostly, it needs to be something I love so much I want to live with it forever.  It must also be on a place on my body that is less likely to sag, or wrinkle or be totally obvious.   So, I am thinking on the inside of my ankle or foot.

I don't know what I will do with this feeling.  It has come and gone over the last 20 years. 

I think the feeling to get this tattoo has become so strong at this point in my life because I feel so secure with my myself, my life, my creativity, my motherhood.

My husband isn't crazy about the idea.....said "its a little trashy" (coming from a guy with a small fraternity tattoo on his foot from his college days).  But that comment does have me thinking.  I'd like his support.  And that other people will think "trashy" too- do I care?  Maybe I do a little.   But honestly, if I do go for the tattoo I am not thinking about other people, it isn't about them or for anyone but myself. This is a personal expression on my body.  

One that would be an expression of my love for my family.  And to me that is lovely.

There it is.  

tattoo or not to tattoo

Back to....

My back.  It has been the focus lately.  Back to normal?    Not yet, but, at least my back is on its way back to its new normal!

The surgery this past week went really well.   I was actually looking forward to having it done to remedy the discomfort in my left leg.  The nerve there was being pressed on by the disk tissue in my spinal canal.   Thankfully my spinal canal is super-sized, so the pain wasn't as bad as it would be for most.   lucky me....I am grateful!   But it was one of those problems that wouldn't remedy itself and would worsen over time and wear.

The nuerosurgeon had said it was a very "impressive"amount of disk tissue by the MRI's view.  Turns out it really was.  In fact, he said I am in his TOP 5 for the amount of disk tissue that was in there.   Approximately 8 cm worth, which is huge.  He said it was a more difficult surgery for him as a result.  Glad I could give him a challenge.

So, now I am recuperating at home.  We have had the help of amazing friends and family.  People amaze me in how they reach out....texts, email, cupcakes, sleepovers for my kids, picking the kids up for playdates, dinner, flowers.  Oh, the flowers are filling up my bedroom with their beauty and scent.

My sister drove over 6 hours to be here in awful traffic to take care of me, and all of us, with her 6 month old and being half way through her current pregnancy.  Yes, she is amazing and loving.  And did a great job taking care of the house and kids and me.
i love this photo of Krissy...

My parents also made the long trip and are now here doing the same.  They are keeping everyone happy....making sure I don't do too much and rest, making sure I eat, get my fiber and take my meds.  It is wonderful.  wonderful, I tell you.  I am so lucky to have this life.   back to normal soon, but for now I rest, watch way too much reality t.v. on the OWN network and E!....read People magazine, blogs and of course, accomplish a little on-line shopping.

I did have one BIG outting 2 days after surgery to see Seinfeld.  Yep, Seinfeld!!! I WAS. NOT. going to miss it.  We have had tickets with friends to see Jerry for months.  I almost rescheduled my surgery, but the Dr. and nurse both said I shouldn't and that a little outting like that would be just fine for me, especially since I wouldn't need to drive and would have my meds.  So, we did it.  Unfortunately, I got really woozy on the ride to Madison.   Silly me, forgot to eat enough and the meds made my tummy ucky.  Really ucky.  So, I fought it and fought it.  I was able to enjoy Seinfelf for a whole 40 minutes without the uckies and then it came back.  Andy and I went to the family restroom and listened to Jerry overhead while I sat near the toilet.  nothing happened.    But we were able to listen to Seinfeld and laugh...both at him and the obsurdity of all of it.   I was determined....and it was worth it, because the show was AWESOME  and Andy was laughing so hard he was wiping tears away!   good times.....

on my way back to normal.....and I am grateful.  And yes, I am on some very nice "happy meds".  ;)

baby, baby....

my sweet baby with her new baby-doll.   She is totally in love.

I am in such awe of the natural sweetness Tessa shows with her little baby-doll.   It has me thinking that there is may be something so inherent in nurturing for some people.  Seeing Tessa with her baby-doll had wondering how much of it is a purely female trait.

I don't want to be one of "those people" that categorizes girls and boys into roles.  Really, I am not.  But, having said that, I look at my 3 boys and never once have they spoken sweetly to a baby-doll.
I actually did get a boy doll for my oldest son, but it was never "nurtured".  No, it was yet another item to be stuffed into the Tonka truck.  Really it was rarely played with, but if it was it was because Buzz Lightyear and Spiderman were missing in action.   That boy doll was never snuggled, rocked, burped or given a bottle by one of my boys.

In our family I have always really made an effort to show feelings, talk about feelings...love, sadness, fear, etc.   And although I  haven't seen the boys "nurture" a doll, what is important is that theyvery naturally have done this with a real baby-their sister, or to their baby cousin.  The difference is it just has never happened with a baby-doll, and that is why I took notice when Tessa absolutely fell in love with this doll and immediately began nurturing her, giving her a bottle, burping her and even speaking in a sweet voice to her!

I will say that Jack once show me how he would hold his new sister when she came home.....it made for a great photo session of practicing being a big brother to his new sister.

BUT that baby also went for some scary rides soon after.

The truth is that we all have the ability to nurture, for some (boys and girls, men and women) it comes more naturally, or has to be learned and practiced.  But we all know people that exude nurturance naturally, that have such an ease with it.  Who knows how Tessa will grow and change over time, but this certainly was a glimpse into her sweet soul...and perhaps for some it just comes more naturally with a baby-doll.

Ode to O

Ode to O....


Yes, I am a HUGE, somewhat fanatical, Oprah fan....o.k. super fan.  I love her show, her authenticity, her vulernability, her intention and purpose to use her life in this world and from her platform.   I have been in the audience 3 times:   2008 - "Middlesex" topic and book show,  2009 "women vs. men" Dr. Oz show, and 2010 Ellen Degeneres show.     On the Dr. Oz episode we ended up being on the women's side of the stage, and I was able to find myself on t.v. for a brief moment.   Truly, each time I shared the experience with people I adore and it was just a huge thrill!

That is me circa 2008 with the in the green dress ( I wore this dress because it is fab, but also because it is Oprah's favorite color, and I know how that sounds).....

 I am with girlfriends at the Oprah show BACKSTAGE.  Yes, that's right.   

And we met Dr. Oz (but I can't find that photo!)  This is from the Dr. Oz taping when we were on stage.   

We are sure we were chosen to be on stage because we were so colorful!

My love for all things O began when I was this 12 year old awkward girl on the verge of adolescence and all the confusion that brings.  After school I would catch episodes.  I can't even begin to recall all the episodes I have watched over the years, but since the invention of the beloved DVR I haven't missed an episode in 3 years.  From my suburban living room I do remember watching Oprah often felt like an eye opening experience on many days....I learned about controversial issues like race, abortion, homosexuality;  the holocaust, poverty, homelessness, eating disorders, addiction, marital problems to makeovers.    Back then I didn't have a lot of opinions, but they were developing, forming who I am today.  Honestly, back then I didn't know much about anything outside of my safe, middle-class, white suburban world.  That is the truth and I craved that insight.


It is also the truth that I was curious.  I wanted to learn and know more, to understand myself and how I will relate to the world.   I asked myself "Who am I, and what is my purpose in the world"? The high school, college years, & marriage came along and Oprah remained a constant in my life.  I was still asking the question, "who am I, what is my purpose".   At this time I watched Oprah because I respected her view on the world.  I loved what she was offering and teaching me everyday.  I really did want to live my best life.   I worked as a social worker, grad school came along, moves and motherhood.  All the while O remained.  Sure it was entertainment.  But it was much more than a show to me.  It was opening my mind, my heart, helping me understand myself and place in the world.  Even now I am amazed that a t.v. show could do this.   How powerful it can be.   But as I reflect on it, watching O was more than a just a t.v. show to me.  As I watched the show over the years, I saw it evolve too.  The topics became more insightful and purposeful, just as I was.  I had grown and matured along with it.   The intention of the show was in line with the intention I was developing for me life.


So, as the Oprah show comes to an end I feel a sense of loss for what has been a constant source of inspiration in my life for so many years.  I will miss that daily dose.  But "what I know for sure" is that in all those hours of watching Oprah, listening, taking in the topics and information, I have at the same time taken bits and pieces of it into the core of who I am....and in that is the gratitude.

Alas, I will still listen to my Oprah XM channel continually, receive my O magazine and watch shows on the OWN network....but it is good-by to my Oprah show days.   sniff, sniff

So, go ahead embrace the end of the Oprah show....and take these words with you-

Sharing some of my favorite divine Oprah quotes.... 
(I don't know all of these by heart.  google helped me.)


“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”


“What God intended for you goes far beyond anything you can imagine.”


"All pain is the same...."    (so true)


"When you know better you do better"   (have used this one with my kids already)

"As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around."    (isn't that the truth?)   "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough".  "Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother".     (couldn't agree more.) "Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure".  all quotes -Oprah Winfrey

my bleeding heart....

I have been called a bleeding heart.....

it's true.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I want to see "it".

I want to feel "it".

I want to be there for "it"

What is "it" for which my heart bleeds?

for the intense love & loyalty for my family 

for my husband who amazes me everyday,

for my soul friends,

for art and creating, 

for capturing a moment from my lens,

for explosions of color, 

for music that moves my soul & body,

for laughing so hard you cry,

for blooms in my garden,

for snuggling,

for holding hands,

for long, tight hugs,

for the smell of a baby and fuzz on their warm head,

for the warmth of the sun,

for the aroma of peonies, 

for Africa,

for my children, oh for my children,

for seeing the good in the world,

for holding on to the hope,

my bleeding heart 

knows these things for sure.

What does your heart bleed for?

do tell....

time...

This just makes me happy...it is my beloved 1/2 hour glass.....I love it.  It has many uses...    time for the kids to take turns.   time for them to stay outside.  time for t.v./wii.   

time for mommy to have her own quiet time=happy time   

time...that thing that just slips away from us so fast.  I am more aware of it than ever.

I found this poem....and think it is just lovely.

THE HOURGLASS Watching the sand in the hourglass, As it silently trickles away; Seeing time slip though my fingers, As quickly go the days. Looking at each grain of sand, As a tiny piece of time. Too small to be measured, Except by this heart of mine. For every grain has a meaning, Of time so fleeting and fast; Each time that I see you, More precious than the last. Although those times are far between, And for me all too few; I treasure each tiny grain of sand, As a moment spent with you. For each moment brings me pleasure, Savoring each morsel of time; I drink from a cup of happiness, As if tasting of sweet wine. I draw from a well of contentment, As long as I know you are near; For one day I will look up, And you will be standing here. Bringing the joy you always bring, Spilling sunlight into this place; Warming my heart with your presence, And the smile upon your face. Watching the sand in the hourglass, Until you are back with me; As long as the tiny grains trickle down, I will wait for you patiently.

Poem by Allison Chambers Coxsey


www.project64colors.blogspot.com                    
               

random thoughts...about the color purple

Orchids are one of my favorite things.   I can't have enough of them.  I love the color purple.... and wish I had some of this color on the walls in my house.  "The Color Purple"  is also my all-time favorite movie.

I already miss my Mom and Dad.  They just left to go back home to Minnesota.  So today the color purple means gratitude to me.

I feel like rebelling against my kids homework and making dinner.

And I just have to tell you that Tessa crawled out of her crib this afternoon....life has forever changed, yet again!


Project 64

Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window. . .cold, icy.  So icy that the kids are home ALL DAY due to road conditions!

I am thinking. . .that I would like to start my spring cleaning.  Maybe spring will show up.

I am thankful for. . .the love and friendship in my life.  I really am.

From the kitchen. . . a lovely burning candle that smells so fresh.  Hot cup of chai tea.  fruit, lots of fruit.  again, a symbol of spring.

I am wearing. . .jeans, Packer t-shirt and long gray sweater.  I love gray right now.

I am creating. . .a new painting from our trip to Ethiopia almost a year ago.  Hope to get to it later today.  The link below is the companion piece to it.

sacred painting

I am going. . .(after Jack finishes his time out) to get all 7 kids in my house to the art studio 

(studio below...I know I'm spoiled)  ;) 

I am reading. . .   blogs & magazines,  right now because it is quick and satisfying.  "People" with Jennifer Aniston on the cover is for quiet time later today.  Rocks your world, i know.  There is a pile of great books bedside, which I will tackle on spring break.  Right now they just put me to sleep!

I am hoping. . . for spring.   peace.  hope in the world.

I am hearing. . .6 kids laughing as they play, Bob the bulldog making noises playing with them, and 1 kid (Jack) whining to come out of  the"time out" spot.

Around the house. . .the kids are home from school with an "ice day".   It is busy and chaotic, but in a good way.

One of my favorite things. . . Gwen Frostic's book:  To Those Who See

It is a book my grandmother gave me, that had been agift to her in 1973.  It is filled with poetry, beautiful papers and reflections of nature.  I recently shared it with my artist's group and they loved it too.  It is fantastic.

A few plans for the rest of the week. . . a couple days of the school routine, working out, eating better, getting in the art studio, watching a movie.  Then driving 5 hours to MN with 4 kids ALONE, to be with my Dad on his birthday, visit my family and  snuggle my baby niece, Eleanor.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing . . .