Searching with Ethiostork

It was over 2 years ago that we recieved Tessa's referral and the photo above of our sweet girl.   I knew she was meant to be our child.   On that day I read her referral and I knew in my mind that she would have many questions for us one day about what I was reading.  The fact was that there were so many empty spaces and unknowns in her referral.  Those unknowns made me feel a deep sadness, one a mother imagine's for her child.  I knew I wouldn't be able to answer those questions.   I might be able to answer a couple of those questions imagining the context of her birth in Ethiopia at that time in history.   We would just have to imagine.

Until a couple months ago I didn't even realize it was even possible to search for our daughter's birth family in Ethiopia.   All we knew was she has been "left to be found", she didn't have any sort of known birth history.   It was through this big blog world, that I saw another adoptive family had done a birth parent search with "Ethiostork".   I checked out Ethiostork's blog www.ethiostork.blogspot.com  and I couldn't get the thought of a search out of my mind.  Knowing that we could at least try.....we might find out more about her history and her birth family.    

There is also the realization that 2 years have passed.   That is 2 years from the pain of it.   But that also means 2 years where information could be fading or lost.   I realized I didn't want any more time to pass.  That NOW was the time to search.

I think it might be a common feeling as an adoptive parent, but I felt a bit vulnerable in this process.  I didn't want someone to take advantage of us and our desire to connect to our daughter's history.   I saw Ethiostork's website and all the resources that they provide for Ethiopian adoptive families.  Conducting a birth parent search is just one aspect of their service to adoptive families.   After researching, conversations about the process with Duni, founder of Ethiostork, making sure it was all legitimate, talking with other families (via email) and then doing some soul searching, I new the time was right for us to do a birth parent search for our daughter and took the leap.

It was a bit of a leap of faith.  But I trusted that Ethiostork would represent us well, and do their best to find out any information possible.  While I never thought this process would ever be possible, I had fantasies that I could one day search for her birth parent....but we know full well that "I" couldn't just waltz into an Ethiopian village and start asking very personal and sensitive questions.  It takes the right Ethiopian person, who knows the culture, the language, the systems to do that investigating and to ask those really tough questions.

I knew that in this process that the information we had could lead to a dead end.  Of course, it would be impossible for Ethiostork to guarantee that a birth parent would be found, but they did say they have had good successes.    So, this process was about trust and hope....that if we sent an Ethiostork investigator out into our daughter's village that he/she would be able to uncover some information that would lead to a birth parent or relative.  If there was a dead end in the process more than anything I wanted to be able to tell Tessa that we tried.

Of course, each person's birth parent search is bound to be very different. There may be painful realities.  I can tell you in our case it just took the right person to ask the questions to get to the truth.  The truth that was right there below the surface.   It didn't take long at all to find out the treasured information about my daughter's birth history and first family.    

I know now that things in Ethiopia aren't always as they first appear.  Sadly, people are so often in desperate situations and are forced to create stories to bring children into care when they can't care for them.  It is a fact....a very sad fact.    It is also a fact that Ethiostork helped us uncover the truth.  They have given our daughter the answers.  She will know names, she will know context and will even know the treasured face of her first mother because Ethiostork created a DVD of their interview.   It is an incredible gift.  I am so grateful I listened to my instinct, trusted and took the leap to search for our daughter's first family with Ethiostork.

This is our daughter today.....

today she will point to her shirt and say "Africa".  I ask her, "Where were you born?" and she says "Oo-pia".   Some day she will know even more and will have answers.  Having her story she will be able to have a better understanding of her past.  Her story is apart of our family today and for future generations, and we are so grateful to know it.

If you are reading this and would like to talk more about our journey with Ethiostork and our birth family search in Ethiopia, please email me at jrmrikkers@yahoo.com.

take care.

dear first Mama

Dear first mother,

For years I have been sending you love in prayers hoping they would reach you.   Knowing you were bringing our daughter into the world.  And then not knowing if we would ever know you or be able to find you.

I barely have the words to express our love and gratitude for you.   You chose to bring this beautiful life into the world under very difficult circumstances.   Thank you for making that choice, for carrying this life and bringing her into the world.   We can only imagine the pain of being unable to raise this precious life.  What you have been through isn't fair.  We want you to know she will be raised with you in our hearts, knowing the struggle you went through to bring this life into the world, and knowing the grief of relinquishing her to another.

Please know how grateful we are that you shared information about yourself for Tessa.   Thank you for sharing your story and giving it to our  daughter.    Being able to have some answers for her about you, and her first days is a gift like no other imaginable.  To have your words, to have your grace and for her to be able to see your image on the video is the most beautiful gift that will be treasured by our daughter and future generations.  

We can't know what your heart is feeling.  It is our prayer that your heart feels a sense of peace.  Peace in knowing that you will be known to our daughter.  Peace in knowing that she is being given a life full of love, where she will have every opportunity given to her and that she will be taught to love and know about the world and life outside of this priviledge. 

In the years to come as we raise our daughter you will never be forgotten.  Your name will fall lovingly and frequently on our daughter's ears.  She will know that your heart wanted to raise her, but that you were unable to.  She will know that the life you were born into was unfair and did not allow you the choices and options that our daughter will have.  She will know.      

With such love, gratitude and respect.

found

It is with both a heavy heart and such gratitude that I am able to share that we have identified our sweet girl's birth mother.  It is simply amazing to me that this was possible.   That we now know more about her entrance into the world.  A world that is just not fair.    

It isn't fair that some people are born into situations in which they are unable to nuritious their children, have access to resources.   It is isn't fair that people have to create stories so a child can be brought into care when they aren't able to care for them.  It is all just unfair.   And yet, this all had to be for our daughter to come home to us.   Somehow it is all apart of the plan for all of us even if I don't understand it or the inequities of it all.

While I am not sharing Tessa's story, it is hers, I can say very important new information surfaced through the investigation.  

To start this search we shared what information we had from her referral and that is where the investigator started.   It doesn't seem it was that terribly difficult for the investigator to reveal the truth.  It was right there under the surface and just took some probing to uncover it.

Ethiostork did a very professional job at navigating the very sensitive issues surrounding a birth mother search.  They know where to start, who to talk to.   We know could have never done this ourselves without someone asking the questions for us to discover the truth.

The truth can be painful.  I also think it can offer peace, understanding and completion.  I am feeling all of these things, but mostly I am incredibly grateful.   

It makes me wonder if her birth mother is also feeling some of these things...the pain, the peace, understanding and completion.   I can't know for sure, but it seems to me she might be because she now also has information she didn't have before.  She knows her daughter has been adopted, in America, she saw a recent photo of her happy and healthy and also expressed her gratitude for us raising her.    

For over 2 years I have been sending prayers, loving and hopeful energy into the universe hoping it would reach her birth mother.   Perhaps it has been received.

searching...

Dear sweet girl,

We have started a search.  A search in your birth place to find a birth relative.  I don't know where it will lead, but I do know we must try.    It is possible that we may be left without knowing the answers to your questions.   There is so much we don't know.   One thing I know for sure, we are forever blessed to love you and call you our daughter.   

love-Mama

I have decided to go forward with a birth family search for Tessa through Ethiostork.

There are so many questions that I know Tessa will carry with her.  One's we will never be able to answer for her.

When I ran across this service and saw other adoptive families making connections for their children, I decided it was worth a try.   In my mind the more time that passes, the more likely it is for information to fade.   Tessa is now 2 years and 4 months old.   

After many conversations about the process and a lot of soul searching, ultimately it came down to having answers for Tessa.   Now is the time to try.   I don't know if we will make any connection.  I don't know what answers will come of this.  But I am hopeful something will emerge.

Worst case scenario is that we discover nothing and have lost some $ with a search.  To me, it is a risk worth taking.  Someday in the future I want to be able to tell Tessa that we tried to find out more and accept that facts of what we do know.

The information (names we have, dates, photos, location) has all been sent and the search has been started.  

As I go about my day I wonder about how this search is intiated.   Who is driving to Hossana and is asking the hard questions?  Who is making the connections in the community?  I am so curious about the process.  But mostly I am sending all sorts of love and hope into this process that is happening in our daughter's birth place.

It's all for you sweet girl.