what a pain

I assure you I haven't fallen off the planet.....
just dealing with awful back pain.   it stinks. bad.

I have been babying my lower back for a good 10 months.   Actually, a few months after Tessa arrived home my lower back was bothering me.  I had been carrying Tessa a lot in baby wrap....which I loved.   I found myself holding her a lot, especially in my efforts to bond with her.  All the while the back was aching.....  I have likely had this weak spot for some time before Tessa came home, but it just aggravated it.

I have been stretching, exercising, going to see a wonderful Chiropractor all in efforts to keep this from progressing.

Then 4 days ago, as the trees are blooming and allergens are flying..... I sneezed.  It came so fast I couldn't brace my back for it.  OUCH- "ouch" doesn't really express the pain....it was more like
$%^#$%^@$!  yep...insert expletives.

For days I was just in tears.  Couldn't find relief.  Couldn't sleep.  Couldn't function.  mommy needs to function.   The pain left me feeling so vulnerable, frustrated and scared it wouldn't go away.

Thankfully it has dissipated a bit.   Ibuprofen is my new constant companion.    There have also been some heavy hitters in the RX department, but they aren't as effective as you would think.

Most everyone I have spoken to (Chiropractor, my husband who is a Dr, and a rhuemtologist) is in agreement that I am at the point that I need an MRI to confirm this is a herniated disk.   I was so frustrated to go see my general Dr. to get the order for the MRI and have him tell me he would like to take a "conservative approach".   Of course, I am not walking in there asking for surgery or even a shot to kill the pain.   Isn't waiting 10 months to come see him for medication of any sort conservative?  Isn't stretching, carefully exercising, doing yoga and seeing a Chiropractor to manage the discomfort I was having in my back conservative?   how is throwing a bunch of meds at this conservative?   And they are all meds that I couldn't take during the day because they cause so much drowsiness.....that isn't going to help me when I need to function during the daytime hours.

I want and need to know what is happening in my back.   I want to know what the options are if this pain continues and how to rehabilitate my back.   My Dr. tried to talk me out of the MRI and instead suggested a list of pain meds, benzos and muscle relaxers.  I had my choice, which frankly surprised me as someone that has seen what can happen to people with addictions to pain meds (worked at a methadone clinic...yikes)   But shouldn't we know exactly what we are throwing medications, HEAVY medications at first?   Very disappointing.  That said, I did walk out with the order for the MRI.   One week I will know what is really going on in my back.

I am in bed as I type this.  pillows behind my back and under my knees.   The pain is there.  It has been an hour since I took the heavy meds and I don't feel a difference...at all.  I am just hoping they will at least help me sleep.   We shall see.  In the meantime, I am thinking about what it is for others to live with pain.  real pain that never ceases....all the different kinds.  pain of the heart, the mind, the body.

How I do hope this is a short-term health problem....for now I am hopeful that it will cease.   And I am staying with how truly grateful I am to have access to healthcare to take care of this issue. truly. grateful.