Home Sweet Home

Our travels were long, long, long...but we couldn't wait to get home. Tessa did great with all the flying and new surroundings.

It was a wonderful homecoming with a surprise

from Omie & Opie (Andy's parents) and Oma (Andy's grandmother) after our arrival! They were so excited to meet Tessa!

Here Jack shows Tessa his "I'm the Big Brother" t-shirt when he meets her! Too cute. My parents are here to help us adjust and to get to know Tessa.

And our first family photo together. We are so grateful and happy to be home at last, together.

I will....I will

I will keep every bit of this journey with me. I will. I will keep the joy, the beautiful memories, the pain & sadness and the hope. I will keep

the hope for a better day for Ethiopia. I will. I will.

But at this point in our journey we are feeling VERY ready to go home. Wednesday we spent about 4 hours at the U.S. Embassy here in Addis Ababa. The wait was LONGGGGGG for all of us, but probably even more so for people in our group with toddlers and older children. Here we were interviewed by officials to be sure everything with our adoption is above board. Of course, it is as CHSFS may sure of it. We also process the paperwork to get Tessa's ET

passport and US Visa to enter the USA. There was a glitch...and they said that our passport was not going to be ready until Friday morning. What?! We are flying out at 11:50p.m. on Thursday. The whole group had a little panic about it. But, they said, "We will try out very best to get the passports ready for your children". That is the most we can ask for as they are Ethiopian passports for the children. If we end up not getting them I suppose there will be one more ET blog post, but I am trusting it will all go through.

I trust it will go through...I trust.....oh please let it go through! I want to go home now! now! now! O.K. Little outburst there. So, patience has never been my best quality. (Mom you can stop laughing now!) I really think I am improving as I grow older, but find my impatience creeps up on me and then makes me feel anxious. I am impatient for constant electricity. It will go out at the guest house for a day very commonly and you are left in the dark, with cold water (no water heater). I am impatient for my bed and the comforts of home. You know that feeling you get we you are away and you can wait to be in your own space, your own bed, with all the things that make life easier and just comfortable? That feeling is in full force right now for us. And believe me, I know this feeling is a luxury to have.
To top this impatient feeling off I am missing my boys terribly. I feel like I am carrying this anxious, guilty feeling around being so far away from them and wanting to get home to them. I think the last time I had this feeling was when Jack was born and was hospitalized for 5 days in Madison. I felt so far away from Juddy and Drew, and it was only 45 miles. Now it is thousands of miles and feels even more intense...although that shouldn't be a surprise because everything with this adoption process is intense! Every report from home tells me they are doing just fine. All the preparations I went through paid off. They love their babysitter, Brianna, who is beyond words fantastic in every way and I couldn't trust her more. So, logically...and like Andy...I shouldn't have these feelings, but I sure do despite all of it.

Bob the bulldog is suffering a bit....well, suffering is not the right word at all, especially after witnessing what real suffering is here. Let me rephrase. Bob the bulldog is spoiled. He is use to me being home full time so he can follow me around, go outside when he wants, get lots of snuggles throughout the day. If Bob only new how dogs live here. Well, he never will and all he knows is doggy luxury. So, because he can't yet be trusted in the house at 9 months old, he has to be caged up during the day while Brianna is at work. Most dogs can handle this, but I th

ink it is making Bob a little crazy and then he jumps on the kids and nips at them to play when he gets home, which probably gets him in trouble. Isn't it silly that I am also concerned about my silly little dog? I see this. So, my friends in Monroe have come to the rescue. Our friend, Joe, who is the master of all trades, has picked Bob up for a little R-n-R of his own. I am giggling about this a little, but also glad for Bob and the fact that we won't come home to a crazy dog. ;)

We have had all kinds of time with Tessa, but have felt a little cooped at the guest house since she has been in our care the last couple days. We are not allowed to bring Tessa anywhere in public. It isn't really a rule, but is highly encouraged because it is so culturally inappropriate. From an Ethiopian person's perspective, I imagine seeing an American walking around with one of their children may feel disrespectful for the obvious reasons.

Having all of this time at the guest house has provided us with lots of snuggle time for Tessa who seems to need it. It is a lot of change for her in every respect. At a week old she has been in the care of CHSFS and has rarely left her nursery or her nannies' side. She is now crying for us when we set her down because she just wants to be held close. Perhaps she is scared. Perhaps we are making up for lost time. Perhaps that thumb that is in her mouth constantly has been her only comfort. I can't really know for sure, but everything she is doing seems natural with the changes and the bonding process. She is also a smiley girl. How that smile hits you! That will likely be her weapon of choice in all situations! Mostly, I am trying to relish in the alone time, which I know is fleeting, despite my anxiety to get home.

We are scheduled to leave Addis Ababa in 16 hours....it will be a long journey home, but I will feel so much better when we are on our way. I am trusting the passport issue for Tessa will be resolved. I trust. I am hopeful that our travels will be peaceful. I hope. I can't wait to have our family all together. I can't wait. I will carry all of what Ethiopia has shown me in my mind, heart and soul forever. I will. I will.

At Last Photos of Tessa

Yesterday was a day of smiles from ear to ear. After visits at the care house with Tessa, we were able to have alone time back at the guest house where we are staying. It has been so difficult to not photograph our sweet girl, but at last I was able to embrace my inner shutterbug. Here are photos of playtime, nap time and snuggle time.

I always hoped that bonding with Tessa would be as natural as with our boys, but you just don't know until you are in it. I can tell you that it has been just as natural, the love overflows. Just like the first few days of getting to know your newborn. You are figuring out their schedule, likes and dislikes. We are doing all these things. It is natural, beautiful and a dream come true.

In the afternoon we brought Tessa back to the care center for her last dinner, her last night sleeping in the nursery before tomorrow! It was difficult to bring her back, we just wanted to continue our snuggling, but this is the transition they have established and I think it works. Then we were off to a little touring and a visit to the Ethiopian National Museum (photos to follow). It was important to see this side of Ethiopia. This area of Addis Ababa is metropolitan, there were government estates & buildings, schools and university, and corporations. There seemed to be many more professionals and students on the side walks and less desperation. While I knew intellectually that this side of Ethiopia must exist I hadn't yet experienced it or been able to see beyond the devastating poverty. And yet it is still so difficult to reconcile how both can coexist simultaneously.

Tuesday:
Today was another day of smiles from ear to ear....a very special day, because it was our last trip to the care center. Tessa spent her last night in the nursery last night. We felt so excited knowing that today Tessa's care would be forever given to us, her forever parents. There was the most wonderful celebration awaiting all of us. Tessa, and all the children, came in with their nannies carrying them, all dressed up in their Ethiopian outfits. All that followed was so touching. The nannies dearly love these children and it is always bittersweet to say farewell to them. There were prayers in Amharic and English as we stood in a circle around the nannies with our children. Tessa was looking right at us, sucking her thumb...her favorite thing in the world. They gave us wonderful, personal cards, made handprints and said good-bye. What was so very touching is all the older children at the care center participated and watched this celebration knowing that one day in their future, it would be their turn. They sing their songs to all of us with their excited, joyful voices.

We are relishing in our little girl, her sweet smile and spirit. There is also a part of us that is now anxious to get home and be together as a family...we can't get there soon enough. Juddy, Drew, Jack....we miss you soooo much and are thinking about you every day! We will be home Friday! :)

No mascara needed

Out of all the items that I packed I didn't forget anything! Then on our first morning I realized the unthinkable....no waterproof mascara! What! I was a little bummed because I feel naked without my mascara, I know I am NOT alone in this! But now I see that may have been divine intervention. This journey is amazing but also heart-breaking. Sometimes I think my compassion is too big, almost too a fault. Today there we a few major moments that will stay with me and are very much apart of the experience here in Ethiopia. And because it is my wish to share this whole experience with you, then I must show all sides.

We started and ended our day very nicely. The whole morning (3 hours) we were able to hang out in Tessa's baby nursery. We were on the floor with a couple other families surrounded by 12 babies. Mom, you would have been in heaven. When we weren't loving on Tessa there was always another baby that needed attention. The babies look to make eye contact and most smile right away when they get it from you. I am sure many other traveling groups have done the very same thing and given all of these babies, Tessa included, such attention. That feels wonderful, because there just isn't enough of the 2 nannies in the room to go around. We noticed that often the nannies preferred it if we didn't pick up a crying baby in their crib and instead soothe them by rubbing their backs or do nothing at all. They don't want the babies to learn when they cry that they are always picked up. So, when a nanny couldn't get to a crying baby in a crib we would rub their backs and then have to ask permission to pick the baby up, if needed. There were lots of babies to play with on the mat and we spent a lot of our time there playing with Tessa and all the babies. They just want to be touched so badly. You can see their desire in their eyes and the joy when they receive touch. Having so much time with Tessa was amazing. She smiled, giggled and really showed us how she plays. She seemed like a totally different little girl today!

While we really enjoyed being able to see the workings of the nursery, with that also came the reality that the babies have to eventually give in, accept that they are better off being quiet. We could see that most had accepted this, and then saw a couple who were fighting this and demanding attention. We all so desperately wanted to fill that baby with attention, but could see the nannies didn't want us to intervene. The nannies do a wonderful job and will try to distract the upset child with sounds, using their voices or a toy. But we all know what she really needs. Andy is so amazing with all these little babies and doesn't hesitate at all to hold, play and snuggle with a new baby.

I was hit with an unexpected moment today. As I walked up the stairs a group of toddlers were playing in a large open room. Then I recognized her in an instant....Tirunesh. I asked the nanny if this was Tirunesh to be sure, but I knew it was her. Tirunesh, with her beautiful almond shaped eyes showed me her toothy smile. She made very long eye contact with me and I with her. I waved to her and she continued to smile at me. My heart did fill up with sadness, guilt, grief- all these things- but mostly love. I didn't know Tirunesh, but did have her referral for 2 months and really felt I loved this child. In the same way you do with a pregnancy, one you have lost. But in this case I had had a photo of the child, imagined her as MY child and feel in love with her. A little later I saw her again in the hallway and asked the nanny if I could say hello. Tirunesh came to me on her own. I said hello and then gave her a hug and kiss....eyes filled with tears and my heart breaking. She is not my daughter now, but was for 2 months in my heart. I don't know if the problems with her referral were worked out or not, but I do see that she is very healthy, so very beautiful and seems so very happy. And for now that is the most I hope for. I know her forever family will be coming for her one day. I also know I will carry my love for her with me in my heart....there's plenty of room. No mascara needed

In Tessa's nursery there is a baby that is very small and coughing. I thought he probably had just come to the care center and was probably 3 weeks old at the most. This little boy is 7 months old. He is what we normally see on T.V. in telethons. He is very real, he has a name, he wants to live and is fighting. He is on the brink of life. Please send a prayer or thoughts to this child.

After our morning care center visit, we had lunch and it was off to shopping. which as we know is my speciality. :) We hit some tourist markets "mercados" and found beautiful scarves, ebony carvings, traditional clothing, jewelry, coffee. It was fun shopping but with only an hour I felt the pressure to make thoughtful purchases. Andy was there to help with the bartering, but I happen to think I am pretty good at it too. With the shopping came another Ethiopian reality. The begging here is intense. You walk out of a shop and their are children, men and women holding babies waiting, selling something or asking for Birr (the currency). I was managing all of that pretty well until we got on the bus. There the children come to the window to ask for Birr or sell gum. There was a security guard shooing them away. One little girl was persistent and kept coming back, which was when the security guard held up her cane stick high in position not to push her away but to hit her. This scene is very common, but for me just hurt so much. These people are like all of us, except that they were born here, they were born into dire situations and carry the look of desperation in their eyes , if you are brave enough to look. Again, no mascara needed today.

I know what we are seeing here is important for many reasons. First, I am taking as much in as possible to be able to tell Tessa about her country one day so I am trying to be very observant even when it is painful. Second, this is real life in the world that we don't have to look at everyday in our lives in the US....but we need to remember these conditions exist even when we can't see them. Third, I want to be a person that knows that they were lucky to be born a woman in the USA. I got lucky purely by birth to be born in a country full of opportunity, the ability to have clean water, food and the privilege to be able to think beyond my survival. It is just plain luck that I don't carry desperation in my eyes and instead am able to carry compassion.

I thought about a warning label at the beginning of this blog entry and then realized I didn't want to warn you. If you are here at my blog you are taking the journey with us.

There are some moments in life that mascara is the last thing I should be thinking about.

Much love to you all....from Ethiopia,

Jeni

This is Big Love

-Hosanna is my daughter's birth place located about 4 hours drive south of the capital city, Addis Ababa. Today we left at 6 a.m. to make the trip to Hosanna to have a meeting like no other. Today was the meeting with birth parents or the person that discovered your child. I can tell you that it is more emotional and heart wrenching than anything I have ever experienced. We have 9 families in our travel group and each of us were so fortunate to have a meeting. We were so hopeful that Amarech would decide to come meet us and she did.

Our meeting with Amarech was beautiful. We were able to ask her questions about Tessa's first days. She gave us so much in this meeting. A connection to Tessa's first chapter in life. We will be able to tell Tessa about Amarech, who she is in her life and her love for her. I won't share the details of this meeting because it is absolutely sacred and for Tessa. But I can tell you it was quite literally one of the most memorable, emotional and beautiful moments of our lives. Amarech (pronounce Ah-ma-resh) has the most amazing gentle, loving presence. God sent her into Tessa's life, I am absolutely certain of it and so is Amarech.

After all the meetings were complete we had a candle lighting ceremony. All the birth parents on one side of the room, all the adoptive parents on the other. The birth parents said a prayer for us and their children in Amharic and we said a prayer for them and dedication to their children for a lifetime. The birth parents passed over the lit candle representing the child to us. Both adoptive and birth parents kissed cheeks and embraced. There were no words, none necessary. In the birth parents eyes was sadness, pain, love and hope. In my eyes and heart was sadness, pain, love and hope.

This ceremony was beautiful, rare and full of love....all this love on both sides of the room for the very same children.

It was the greatest love I have ever witnessed. This is Big Love.

Today was a day that helped my heart grow stronger even more full of love.

To: Judson, Drew and Jack

Dear Judson, Drew & Jack,

We miss you and cannot wait to introduce you to your sister! She is even cuter than in those pictures. I know that is hard to believe. You all will just love holding her little body and seeing how she loves being tickled and smiles. She is a snuggler just like all of you! I got to feed Tessa some cereal with a spoon and give her juice from a small metal cup. She hasn't had a bottle yet, but I think she will love one, because she likes to suck...her favorite thing is to suck on her thumb! Maybe she will like a nuk like Drew & Jack did. You are all the big brother now to Tessa! I can't wait for you to meet her!

It was a very, very long trip here, but everything went perfectly. Someday we will all come here so you can see what Tessa's home country is like. It is a beautiful country. There are mountains in the distance that I can see. Addis Ababa is a busy capitol city. It is very different than life at home. Most people here struggle for everything like food, clean water, clothes. It makes me so very grateful, but also sad that we can't do more. I want you to know that today I met some children your age at the care center that are waiting for their forever families! I bet some of those little boys will get to wear your shirts and play with the match box cars you sent...be sure to tell Nicholas and Cameron this too. There are families here right now that are all bringing home their children that are your age! You should see how happy they are to know their forever parents! I wish I could show you with photos, but we are not allowed to bring a camera into the care center....you know how much that is bothering me!!!

It is the middle of the night here and I should go back to bed. I love you and miss each one of you. Be good to Brianna and be sure to give her a thank-you and hugs for all she is doing.
Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so much. We can't wait to bring Tessa home and all be together!
Love,
Mama

I hope you are enjoying your treasure hunt!

We met our new daughter today!

There are no words to fully capture a day like today. It was amazing because we met our daughter! I will do my best here to share the day, but knowing that there is far more to share and too few words right now.

After breakfast we went over to the care house with all the families. We all waited with enormous anticipation for each of our social workers to come down and call our names to meet our children. It was something to watch each family go off to meet their child. I was in tears the entire time. Families were being united! At last, it was our turn and we ascended the stairs with a camera-man taping us as we go to Tessa's nursery (with 11 other babies). There our social worker, Meron, held her. She was not tearful or crying and she handed her right over to me. I did the tearful, crying part for both of us! It was beautiful. Andy and I both enjoyed those first few moments and felt so much love that it is hard to explain. We took her down to a carpeted area to play. She mostly just stared at us, even when we offered her toys. She was watching us and seemed to know something was going on. She is so adorable, so snuggly and sweet. No matter what we did to try and get her to smile she wouldn't crack a smile. I don't blame her, I would do the same thing. After a while, I held her in a rocking chair and she fell right asleep on my chest...I have a drool mark to show for it! It was such a wonderful moment. Andy and I were soaking it all up. I was able to feed her and then it was her nap time and our time for meetings and lunch.

Between meetings we were able to have two more visits with Tessa...here her nickname is Tesfu. The 2nd meeting she recognized us, but continued to stare and suck her thumb, which is her favorite thing. The 3rd visit came about an hour later. It was then that we cracked the Tessa smile code! Oh what a smile and how it lights up her face! It was wonderful. We are so happy we had 3 visits with her today, with each visit I know she will grow to trust and know us more and more.

That is about all I have in me for now. This country is beautiful. The most beautiful part so far is the love they have for these children....it is so expressed by them all. I love that. There were sad tears today, but many more tears of joy. It was a beautiful day...one that will stay with us for a lifetime.