Little man Jack

Jack Jack is getting to be such a big boy.  He is constantly trying to go poopy on the potty so that he can get a treat.  He is doing so well with staying clean and dry!  yeh!  Could it actually be possible that I may be diaper free for a while?!!  I will take it!  I just am feeling the need to share these photos of our little man.

He is really into "Cars" and "Handy Manny" right now and will actually sit through a whole Handy Manny show!  That is a beautiful thing.  His imagination is going into high gear.  I will often see and hear him having whole conversations with himself as he plays.  Love it!  

On the adoption front we are doing well.  The pain is easing although Tirunesh and our daughter are never too far from my thoughts.  I seem to be becoming the master of distracting myself, which is really not hard to do around here.  My dear friend, Margo, came for a visit this weekend which has been so fun.    This week I will also be getting all of my artwork ready for my first art fair at Northwinds Perennial Farm outside Milwaukee.  Marcie hooked me up with it and will help me set up.  It is a fun distraction and I may even make enough $$ to pay the babysitter!   The garage is coming along great and now has its earrings on, a.k.a. outdoor lights.  I can't wait to get into the art studio upstairs!  So, as you can see, I am mastering the art of distraction as we wait for our referral.  I have had a lot of practice.  

Thank you all for following our journey, for your love and support.  Hugs to you.

Grief and Hope

To have loved and lost a child I never knew is such a painful experience.  Tirunesh became apart of my heart from the instant I saw her sweet face.  She became apart of our family dialogue every day....where will she eat at the table, where will she sit in the car?  She became apart of our image of our future as a family.  Her name just rolled off our tongues and became the natural and sweet music to our ears.  To say good-bye to those dreams is so painful.

With this grief also comes the realization that we must feel this loss to be able to open our hearts again.  We know that our daughter is still on her journey to us and we can feel the joy and hope in that.  This journey is so much about seeing the hope...there is hope for Tirunesh and for our daughter both.

Adoption Update with a heavy heart

It is with a very heavy heart that I update you on our adoption.  Sadly, Tirunesh's referral is not valid due to problems with the dates and paperwork.  These issues all need to be cleared up by the Ethiopian authorities for her referral to move forward and there is no end in sight for when this may occur.  We have come to a place we never expected to be on this roller coaster of adoption and life.    Because of the fact that Tirunesh's referral is not valid we cannot move forward with her adoption.

 Our hearts are hurting for so many reasons, but mostly because we thought Tirunesh would be our daughter.  We are also trying to take comfort in the fact that Tirunesh is not being hurt by our decision.  She did not know us at all or have any bond to us yet.  She will continue to be cared for and her journey to her future family will continue.  We were of course very attached to this child or the idea of this child in our lives.  It is so strange to have an abstract love for someone you have never met.  Not unlike a miscarriage this feels very much like a loss of the child we never knew.

We are making peace with this situation and are continuing to trust God and the universe's plan to bring our daughter into our lives. It is a difficult realization, but now we know that Tirunesh was apart of that journey to our daughter and she will hold a special place in our hearts.  As we look forward we will continue to trust this journey to our sweet girl and re-open our hearts to her referral.  There is absolutely no telling when that will be but we are next on the list for a referral.   

I will keep updates here in a hope to not have to repeat myself over and over, which feels painful to me right now.  Please do send a prayer out to sweet Tirunesh and that her relinquishment is able to be processed.  We also ask you send your love and prayers out to our daughter, who is still unknown to us, and to us to help heal our hearts. 

Back to school

Back to School!  All the boys had their first day of school today.  It was different for each of them.  Judson was excited to see his friends, but sad that summer over.  He immediately ran off to the playground to find his buddies and they started playing soccer.

Drew felt really nervous.  Last night he said he didn't want to go and I could feel his anxiety over the unknown that is kindergarten.  This morning he didn't want to leave his room, but then did after deciding to call the neighbors to see if they boys could ride with them.  Drew was excited to go to school with his friends.  So, we all went together to the school and that helped Drew a lot.  Drew played on the playground and when the bell rang grabbed his bag and found me.  We found his teacher and lined him up.  He looked scared and tearful.  I felt the same way.  I gave him a kiss and said, "Have a really fun day!".  I had to exit quickly after so he wouldn't see my tears.  Plus, it was time to get Jack to his first day of school ever at Monroe Preschool (2 mornings a week).  He has wanted to go to school for a long time.  Last year he would have a fit when we would drop off Drew and leave.  He was so excited and went into the room and started to play right away.  He barely needed to say good-bye to me, but I insisted. ;)   He had a great day.  

Juddy and Drew both had great days at school too!  Juddy was thrilled to have friends in his class and said he really likes his teacher, Mr. Barnard.  I was concerned about Drew's day, but his teacher Mrs. Mahlkuck said he had a great day!  Drew was so cute at dinner tonight.  He said, "Mom, you want to hear a secret? ....School is AWESOME!".    What a relief!!!!    YEHHHHH!!!!!

Summers days come to an end

The last weekend of summer was spent in Minnesota.  Our very special Nana just celebrated her 60th birthday with lots of surprises (Pops provided his own).  Our surprise was to show up at her house when she came home from work on a Wednesday.  She never expected that!  The kids were so excited for that garage door to open!  It was fun to be with Nana and the family on her birthday.  We miss so many  birthday celebrations with that side of the family being so far away.  Nana thought her birthday celebration was over, but we surprised her again.  Pops offered to take the boys all day Saturday so I was able to set it up for Barb and Cori to come with us for a day at the spa.  ahhhhhhhh.  It was a wonderful day.

The end of summer in MN means the MN State Fair.  So, Pops helped me take the boys and their cousin, Grace there for a couple hours.  We hit some rides and of course ate our favorites: mini-donuts, corn on the cob, corn dogs.  Yummy.  I even let the kids have cotton candy!  What a treat!

           Dad and I stopped over by the old, old house at 1079 Ingerson in Shoreview to take a photo by the tree we have planted together.  This was also the first home to me and my brother and sister.  Sadly, the tree had been taken down earlier in the summer after it spilt.  Well, it did have a nice long life of over 30 years!

We arrived home to the construction....major construction.  The septic system is being installed, which means at least 4 trucks ripping up my backyard.  Yes, totally ripping up my entire back yard.  The electrician, security guy, and house painter was here power washing the house.  And of course the contractor was working on the garage.  It was chaotic!  Ugh.  The garage project is looking great.  Boy, I sure will appreciate having an attached garage and art studio upstairs!  

The first day of school tomorrow....for all the boys!  A big day.  More to come....

The facts and what I must do.

It has been incredibly difficult these days trying to reconcile the facts that are preventing us from bringing sweet Tirunesh home.  The facts are.....we still do not have a court date.  (Even through people who received a referral after us do). Our delay in receiving a court date is due to some details in the referral that need to be worked out.  This means the paperwork had to go back to Irco, the region where T is from, to be resolved.  This takes "time".  And from what I can tell that is not US time, but Ethiopian time, which seems to mean they will get to it when they get to it.  Nothing can be definite on time.  So, we wait for a court date in Irco for the paperwork issue.  Then we wait for the BIG court date when we become T's parents.  Then after the judge says "yes" you are Ts parents legally we get to schedule travel 6-8 weeks later.  With the month long court closure in September, it could be winter by the time we travel.   Those are the facts.

There are more facts...That I know very little about our sweet girl. I have T's weight and height measurements given every 2 weeks.  She is small, but growing slowly.  She is crawling, playing with toys and feeding herself.  But the fact remains that I don't know what T's smile looks like, what her laugh sounds like, which toy she loves the most, who she is the most attached to, how she is sleeping, what her favorite foods are, and what she is feeling.  I could go on.

The other fact in this situation is that I can choose how to handle these facts.  It is often very difficult to reconcile.  I feel angry and sad that we are missing time with T.  The fact is I must trust the T is getting everything she needs.  I pray all her needs are being met and that someone is making her feel special and loved like we would.  The fact is I can't make this time go any faster, I can't persuade anyone to get us a court date, and I can't do anything to really know T right now.  

The fact is I must surrender to the facts.  I must trust the universe's plan.  I must maintain hope for the best possible outcome, while also knowing I have done as much as possible.  I must believe in God's divine intervention in this whole process.  I must....

I must be the best Mom I can be to the children right here in my home.  I must be ever present in my marriage.  I must do what I need to do to take care of myself to get through this time.  I must see the big picture...that one day Tirunesh will be home with us, that we will be able to nurture her and love her and spend the rest of our lives continuing this pursuit.  Those are the facts...and what I must do.

Into August...

Today we made the trek to Milwaukee to be finger-printed....AGAIN....at the Homeland Security office.  They will expire soon and since the process is taking longer than anticipated we need to have them current to bring our sweet Tirunesh home.  Today we also received an update on her height and weight.  It looks like she is growing just fine.  She is still small for her age in weight.  It is bitter sweet to receive these updates.  I want sooo badly to know more about our sweet girl and while I am grateful for an update on her height and weight, I am sooo anxious to know more! What are T's favorite toys? what makes her smile and giggle?  What are her favorite foods?  What soothes her when she is upset?  I could go on and on.  This process is beautiful in so many way, but is also incredibly frustrating.  It is so frustrating that our daughter is a world away and we can't find anyway to get to her any sooner.  It is so frustrating that we have to wait for the entities in Ethiopia....the court closing in August means another month added to our wait.  It is all so very frustrating.  There isn't anything anyone can say or do.  I so appreciate people just witnessing it with me.  Sitting with me in the frustration and pushing me into the future of hope.  So, on that note, I leave with photos of the boys and their cousins on the beach from our wonderful visit to Minnesota.  Next year T you will be there too.