fiddlehead.....every changing, ever growing

fiddlehead....ever changing, ever growing

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Signs....that is what I have been looking for.  Signs of bonding.  That I am not a stranger to little Ms. T anymore, even though I know I am not.  You know how when you are really, really close to something how you can miss the signs?   The ones I have had friends point out "Look at her look at you!"  Then I look and say "oh yeh , look at that!"
What I have been looking for are the signs that I am the one she can't live without, signs that she is bonding to me, signs that she knows I am her Mama.   How is it that "I", one who prides myself on being very observant, could miss those signs I have been searching for?   Then I realized with the help of my dear friend, Marcie, that I have been looking for the signs that I am accustomed to.

I have been waiting for that "sign", the big excited,whole body wiggle and huge smile with laugh from Tessa.  Marcie so gently pointed out that what I was looking for is what I know....that I was looking for baby Drew!! This is so true!  Drew is so incredibly expressive and always has been.  As a baby his big smile and wiggly body was ever present when I would enter a room- it was unmistakeable.  No one could miss that!  All the boys had those types of emotional expressions as babies, so I am pretty sure that is what I have been looking for to validate me.  I have been looking for that big obvious sign of love and excitement when Tessa sees me.

What I am realizing is that the signs are there, just a bit more subtle.  It also takes time.  Tessa is a more relaxed, reserved baby than what I have been use too.  Her eyes do like up.  She is looking to me in new situations and with new people.  Finally, yesterday I got a big obvious sign that I couldn't miss.   Ladies from Andy's office came with a Taco Pot Luck, margaritas and gift for all the kids.  (I am so spoiled...It was so sweet of them) I didn't expect it, but when I handed Tessa over to the ladies, she looked at me and was upset and fussy.  It was the first time I had seen "that look" on her face since the first time I met her.  She was wide-eyed and quiet at first and then got really fussy and  Yep, she did and I had never felt so happy to have a fussy baby.  The signs are there.   I am learning, I am tuning in to "her" signs.

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