Scavenger hunt Sunday

1. Give me flowers:   Ahh....the bleeding hearts have bloomed.

2. Visual Contrast

How I love this gorgeous Japanese Maple that graces my backyard....its new leaves are a dark red...and the contrast against the sky and green trees around it make it a stunner!

3.   Friendship

The wonderful, simple friendship of 2 boys.   Here Jack is on his way to his best friend's house on his four wheeler..... these 2 are peas in a pod.
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4.  Before and After

                            before: fiddleheads                                               after: ferns

5.  Dark

Look at those beautiful dark brown eyes.....those are the soulful eyes of my sweet niece, Eleanor.  She was visiting this past week with my sweet sister and filled my world with joy!


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return of the fiddleheads

return of the fiddleheads....

every year I go down to our creek and look for signs that they are emerging...

every year I am thrilled to see them return,

it just feels so very hopeful to see them come back after the long hard winter. 

 No matter what nature has made them endure....they return.   they survive.  they emerge. 

they are nature's  reminder of the many seasons of our life,

how in such a short time we grow, we change

but we grow and change.....on this earth TOGETHER.

silver lining

So right now I am staying focused on the silver lining.....I finally know what the deal is with my back.

I had an MRI (which alone is a TRIP) and it shows that I have a severe herniated lumbar (L5 near sacrum) disc.    There is a large amount of disc tissue that has broken up and moved into the spinal column and is pressing on my nerves.... hence the PAIN radiating into my left leg, numbness in my foot and cramping in my leg muscles. not fun.

The Dr. has informed me that I must have high tolerance for pain.  Who knew?  Not I, apparently I must for the pain to just now be bothering me.   It is at the point where physical therapy is not really an option.  I am sure I have had this progressing for years.   10 years ago I was pregnant when I began experiencing numbness and sciatic pain in my thigh.....it would come and go.   With each pregnancy it worsened.   It was something I became use to and found it lessened with stretching, yoga, ibubrofen (my b.f.f.) and chiropratic adjustments.   That is until recently when the pain has become much more difficult to tolerate and manage.  

So, it is looking like physical therapy wouldn't have a chance in touching this problem.  A cortizone shot  would be a temporary solution.   Pain meds don't even touch the nerve pain.   At this point we are trying to prevent permanent nerve damage.   Next Monday I will be consulting with a (top notch) neuro-surgeon about the options, surgical and otherwise.  The risks, pros and cons....all that jazz.

Here is the silver lining.....always trying to see that!   I have a real sense of relief to know there really is something wrong.   To know what is actually happening in my body is important and empowering.  I also know that  I am young, strong and healthy which means I will likely have a great surgical outcome.  And I am incredibly grateful to have wonderfully competent health care and have full medical insurance .....I am counting my blessings knowing I am so fortunate.

photo Scavenger hunt

I love photos.....here are some favorites for the photo scavenger hunt from the last couple weeks....


SOOC (straight out of camera= no edit)

Tessa is laying on my knees while we are outside near the garden....I love how she is looking straight into the camera.  This is a SOOC (straight out of the camera)....I love pure, unedited shots like this one.


Sprouting

It is fiddlehead sprouting season.  The kids and I go down to the and see what the fiddleheads are doing.  How they are sprouting and unfurling.   These little fiddleheads grow, blossom and change so very fast.  Their very symbolism, what nature is showing us, is what I love.  

 Isn't it Ironic

 a few weeks ago the daffodils thought it was safe to bloom.....then the snow did a sneak attack on them.  


Lazy

Bob the Bulldog.....lazy days in a sunny spot.


Smells like Spring

These flowers are stunning.....love their unusual display.   They scream spring is here!

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Food....for the Paper Mama Challenge!:

What?  My hair has many talents....waffle storage is just one.

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mother love

"Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible."
  ~Marion C. Garretty, quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul

I love mother's day.   I love the breakfast in bed that is delivered with such care and excitement.  

I love homemade paper cards, the sprouting plants they planted, the painted hand-prints and flowers.  I love those sweet smiles and big hugs from my all of little people.  

Mother's day means I am thinking of all the many mothers in my life with gratitude.... with love.  


First my own mother.....her sweet unconditional love.  How she has always supported my dreams, embraced who I am just as I am.  How she has shown me how to love big.


I think of my grandmothers, great-grandmothers....the ones I knew, and the ones I never knew.   I think of their lives, their choices, and how it all led to my life.  


I send my love to the aunts, cousins, friends, sisters....women in my life who are each amazing examples of a mother's love.   I have taken bits of wisdom from each of them.


I feel the love and gratitude I have for Tessa's first mother and the life she brought into the world.  I feel the love I know she carries for this beautiful child we share, whom I am blessed to love. 


I am amazed by these little souls, my children, who bestowed motherhood upon me.  how I love them so much it almost hurts.  how I love them with all of my being.  how I want to protect them from this world and yet teach them about it.   how I desire to keep them close and yet let them grow away from me to be who they are destined to be.   


On mother's day and every day, I an ever certain that raising these children is my purpose in this life, it is my greatest journey, challenge and  mission of love....what I am and will always be most proud of.


And a favorite photo as a mother for this year because I can see in my eyes how much I am wanting Tessa to feel my love, how much I love her and how deeply I needed to connect with her in this past year.   That is what much of this past years journey was about for me emotionally...and here I see it.

              

what a pain

I assure you I haven't fallen off the planet.....
just dealing with awful back pain.   it stinks. bad.

I have been babying my lower back for a good 10 months.   Actually, a few months after Tessa arrived home my lower back was bothering me.  I had been carrying Tessa a lot in baby wrap....which I loved.   I found myself holding her a lot, especially in my efforts to bond with her.  All the while the back was aching.....  I have likely had this weak spot for some time before Tessa came home, but it just aggravated it.

I have been stretching, exercising, going to see a wonderful Chiropractor all in efforts to keep this from progressing.

Then 4 days ago, as the trees are blooming and allergens are flying..... I sneezed.  It came so fast I couldn't brace my back for it.  OUCH- "ouch" doesn't really express the pain....it was more like
$%^#$%^@$!  yep...insert expletives.

For days I was just in tears.  Couldn't find relief.  Couldn't sleep.  Couldn't function.  mommy needs to function.   The pain left me feeling so vulnerable, frustrated and scared it wouldn't go away.

Thankfully it has dissipated a bit.   Ibuprofen is my new constant companion.    There have also been some heavy hitters in the RX department, but they aren't as effective as you would think.

Most everyone I have spoken to (Chiropractor, my husband who is a Dr, and a rhuemtologist) is in agreement that I am at the point that I need an MRI to confirm this is a herniated disk.   I was so frustrated to go see my general Dr. to get the order for the MRI and have him tell me he would like to take a "conservative approach".   Of course, I am not walking in there asking for surgery or even a shot to kill the pain.   Isn't waiting 10 months to come see him for medication of any sort conservative?  Isn't stretching, carefully exercising, doing yoga and seeing a Chiropractor to manage the discomfort I was having in my back conservative?   how is throwing a bunch of meds at this conservative?   And they are all meds that I couldn't take during the day because they cause so much drowsiness.....that isn't going to help me when I need to function during the daytime hours.

I want and need to know what is happening in my back.   I want to know what the options are if this pain continues and how to rehabilitate my back.   My Dr. tried to talk me out of the MRI and instead suggested a list of pain meds, benzos and muscle relaxers.  I had my choice, which frankly surprised me as someone that has seen what can happen to people with addictions to pain meds (worked at a methadone clinic...yikes)   But shouldn't we know exactly what we are throwing medications, HEAVY medications at first?   Very disappointing.  That said, I did walk out with the order for the MRI.   One week I will know what is really going on in my back.

I am in bed as I type this.  pillows behind my back and under my knees.   The pain is there.  It has been an hour since I took the heavy meds and I don't feel a difference...at all.  I am just hoping they will at least help me sleep.   We shall see.  In the meantime, I am thinking about what it is for others to live with pain.  real pain that never ceases....all the different kinds.  pain of the heart, the mind, the body.

How I do hope this is a short-term health problem....for now I am hopeful that it will cease.   And I am staying with how truly grateful I am to have access to healthcare to take care of this issue. truly. grateful.

Packer love....

So, I am a little behind.  It happens.  But I have wanted to share these photos of a day we went to Lambeau field.  Andy has wanted to take the kids there for a tour for a while.....even I found it interesting to hear about the history of the team, the field and the spirit of all things Packer.

The tunnel where the Packers run onto the field!

There it is from Lambeau....heart of all things Packers and Wisconsinites.