my biggest boy....

So, my biggest boy, Judson, is 9 3/4 years old.   I give you the exact age, because I think we are at a turning point.  Something is changing....shifting.  He is becoming much  more grown-up all of a sudden.  Jud is seeing the world through a much more mature lens.  He is incredibly independent, confident and seems like a well-adjusted kid...all good things! With that however, there has been signs that he is leaving a part of childhood behind.     The big issue that I had been delaying has been that he has really been desiring a room of his own.

He and Drew(age 7) have happily shared a room ever since we moved abroad (to France for a year) in 2004.  When we moved back to and got settled in our new life in Monroe we just keep them together in a room so we would always have a guest room, since our family lives a distance away and we have lots of visitors.  For so many years they happily shared a space and really enjoyed each other's company at night, never having problems with sharing a room.   Even today they share a room really well.  But I knew there would be a day that the arrangement wouldn't suit Juddy anymore.   It wasn't until recently that I realized we were at the place were Judson was needing much more autonomy both emotionally and physically.  I get it....he wants a place that is all his own.  That he can escape to when it is a bit crazy around here.  I totally....get...it.

So, after receiving many signs from Jud that he was unhappy in the arrangement I decided to go into hyper-mommy mode while he was at school and move him into the guest room.  I was able to get all the pretty guest room decor down and create a space that is absolutely so big-boy.....dare I say, even adolescent.   Jud came home and I told him I needed his help upstairs.....he came in and looked like this-

He was surprised.....even a bit confused for a spilt moment.  

Then he said....

"I'm in heaven"....

  He just came in, looked around, smiled and got settled right in to  "his room".    

I was a little surprised that he didn't jump up and down... or scream with glee.  

This was yet another sign that he is indeed a much more grown up boy these days.

The truth is I am struggling a bit with this new place.  Maybe because it is my first time watching a child of mine pulling away....doing exactly what he is suppose to be doing.   I believe I am here to guide my children through the world, even so the pulling away feels new and uncomfortable.   Maybe it is because while he is changing so quickly before my eyes while I also am fully caring for little ones as well.  And maybe this would feel the same if he was my only child.  so, I am trying to make sense of it, trying to be the Mom that rolls alongwith it, but a part of me is fighting it as well.  Like all things, I know this new place will have its beautiful moments....there will be new adventures for him and myself as a Mom.  For me, I just need to mourn where we are leaving and celebrate where we are going.  It is just as it should be....even if my big mushy heart is fighting it a bit more than it should.