dear first Mama

Dear first mother,

For years I have been sending you love in prayers hoping they would reach you.   Knowing you were bringing our daughter into the world.  And then not knowing if we would ever know you or be able to find you.

I barely have the words to express our love and gratitude for you.   You chose to bring this beautiful life into the world under very difficult circumstances.   Thank you for making that choice, for carrying this life and bringing her into the world.   We can only imagine the pain of being unable to raise this precious life.  What you have been through isn't fair.  We want you to know she will be raised with you in our hearts, knowing the struggle you went through to bring this life into the world, and knowing the grief of relinquishing her to another.

Please know how grateful we are that you shared information about yourself for Tessa.   Thank you for sharing your story and giving it to our  daughter.    Being able to have some answers for her about you, and her first days is a gift like no other imaginable.  To have your words, to have your grace and for her to be able to see your image on the video is the most beautiful gift that will be treasured by our daughter and future generations.  

We can't know what your heart is feeling.  It is our prayer that your heart feels a sense of peace.  Peace in knowing that you will be known to our daughter.  Peace in knowing that she is being given a life full of love, where she will have every opportunity given to her and that she will be taught to love and know about the world and life outside of this priviledge. 

In the years to come as we raise our daughter you will never be forgotten.  Your name will fall lovingly and frequently on our daughter's ears.  She will know that your heart wanted to raise her, but that you were unable to.  She will know that the life you were born into was unfair and did not allow you the choices and options that our daughter will have.  She will know.      

With such love, gratitude and respect.

found

It is with both a heavy heart and such gratitude that I am able to share that we have identified our sweet girl's birth mother.  It is simply amazing to me that this was possible.   That we now know more about her entrance into the world.  A world that is just not fair.    

It isn't fair that some people are born into situations in which they are unable to nuritious their children, have access to resources.   It is isn't fair that people have to create stories so a child can be brought into care when they aren't able to care for them.  It is all just unfair.   And yet, this all had to be for our daughter to come home to us.   Somehow it is all apart of the plan for all of us even if I don't understand it or the inequities of it all.

While I am not sharing Tessa's story, it is hers, I can say very important new information surfaced through the investigation.  

To start this search we shared what information we had from her referral and that is where the investigator started.   It doesn't seem it was that terribly difficult for the investigator to reveal the truth.  It was right there under the surface and just took some probing to uncover it.

Ethiostork did a very professional job at navigating the very sensitive issues surrounding a birth mother search.  They know where to start, who to talk to.   We know could have never done this ourselves without someone asking the questions for us to discover the truth.

The truth can be painful.  I also think it can offer peace, understanding and completion.  I am feeling all of these things, but mostly I am incredibly grateful.   

It makes me wonder if her birth mother is also feeling some of these things...the pain, the peace, understanding and completion.   I can't know for sure, but it seems to me she might be because she now also has information she didn't have before.  She knows her daughter has been adopted, in America, she saw a recent photo of her happy and healthy and also expressed her gratitude for us raising her.    

For over 2 years I have been sending prayers, loving and hopeful energy into the universe hoping it would reach her birth mother.   Perhaps it has been received.

searching...

Dear sweet girl,

We have started a search.  A search in your birth place to find a birth relative.  I don't know where it will lead, but I do know we must try.    It is possible that we may be left without knowing the answers to your questions.   There is so much we don't know.   One thing I know for sure, we are forever blessed to love you and call you our daughter.   

love-Mama

I have decided to go forward with a birth family search for Tessa through Ethiostork.

There are so many questions that I know Tessa will carry with her.  One's we will never be able to answer for her.

When I ran across this service and saw other adoptive families making connections for their children, I decided it was worth a try.   In my mind the more time that passes, the more likely it is for information to fade.   Tessa is now 2 years and 4 months old.   

After many conversations about the process and a lot of soul searching, ultimately it came down to having answers for Tessa.   Now is the time to try.   I don't know if we will make any connection.  I don't know what answers will come of this.  But I am hopeful something will emerge.

Worst case scenario is that we discover nothing and have lost some $ with a search.  To me, it is a risk worth taking.  Someday in the future I want to be able to tell Tessa that we tried to find out more and accept that facts of what we do know.

The information (names we have, dates, photos, location) has all been sent and the search has been started.  

As I go about my day I wonder about how this search is intiated.   Who is driving to Hossana and is asking the hard questions?  Who is making the connections in the community?  I am so curious about the process.  But mostly I am sending all sorts of love and hope into this process that is happening in our daughter's birth place.

It's all for you sweet girl.

belated Halloween....

At last my belated Halloween post.....  how could I neglect these photos of my littles!

What a group of characters!

Hippie Jud says "Respect the classics, man"

Jack the race car driver...I would get out of his way.

Drew the "Evil Gnome"....terrifying to all.

Brobee never looked so cute.

When you live out in the country you get to throw hay bails in the back of your open trailer....load up the kids and grown ups with their own treats....and it the road.  Tons of fun!

the art blog begins....

For a while I have been thinking about seperating my art life from this blog.....

I have so enjoyed this blog world and the connections I have made.   Mostly as a mother, as an adoptive mother on this crazy journey.  It is wonderful and I plan to continue....but it is time to honor myself.

Honor the artist within.  connect more to that part of myself.

So, tonight I began my art blog.....

Fiddlehead Art

I hope to share what I am seeking, what is inspiring me, where I am stumbling and how I am evolving.

There will be my paintings, photography and inspiration wherever I find it.  And while I am certain other aspects of my life will trickle in, I am dedicating this blog space to my art life...

join me....

Fiddlehead art blog!

reason to paint

Sometimes when I make the space in life I just paint to paint.  Sometimes I paint to escape.  And sometimes I have a specific reason to paint.  Often those are the times that I feel most inspired.  It is when a painting emerges so easily from my soul because there is an intention with it.

This painting is one of those that was inspired for a very specific reason to paint.

A little background: So, there is this awesome person that I have met through this blog world.  This is one of the reasons I love to blog to connect to other Mom's with passion.   Tesi has passion for her family, for Ethiopia and all 5 of her children, and for providing access to clean water.  She is simply amazing.  So, when Tesi put out a call for artwork for their  Water Party auction I was inspired.  It is easy to be inspired by someone so full of love and impassioned!

Here is the painting.....I love it.   I always fall in love with new paintings.   It is a blessing to feel so happy to send them off to do good for a cause that is so vital.

"Live with Hope"

I wonder where this will be hanging?  Who will love it enough to bid on it and bring it home?  I won't be able to see who wins this piece, but I am certain it will go to someone who "gets" its message.

I see this painting as a giant postcard (hence the Swaziland stamps) sending a message of hope to the viewer.  Hope for change.  And in this case, of this fundraiser, hope for access to clean water.  Or it could be hope for whatever the viewer's soul is seeking.  

It is a 16x20 mixed-media acrylic painting on board and is framed in a black metal frame.

Here's to the water party! and to Tesi, and her awesomeness as a woman of the world, a mother and advocate for access to clean water for all.    Good luck with the water party!!